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Why is your orgasm so important to your husband? Because it’s exciting to watch you experience pleasure. It also eases any insecurities about penis size, performance or technique, because if you orgasm, he’s obviously doing something right! But when you don’t have an orgasm or if your body language says you’re not into it, it makes him feel guilty because he wants you to enjoy it like he does. It turns him on when he can turn you on.
Also read: TRUE STORY: “I couldn’t have sex with my husband for 8 years”
If you’ve never been able to climax during sex, the cause may be medical, psychological or certain medications. See a doctor to find out if this is the case. But sometimes it’s just a matter of anatomy. Ian Kerner, PhD and author of She Comes First, says that 80 per cent of women cannot have an orgasm through intercourse alone, and need some form of direct clitoral stimulation.
If you can’t have an orgasm just through intercourse, get familiar with yourself. Sexologist Betty Dodson and author of Sex For One, says it’s important to discover what you like and what feels good and how to have orgasms alone, before having sex with a partner. Then you can share your techniques, instead of just expecting him to “give” you an orgasm. If there are particular speeds, touches, rhythm or pelvic angles that work when you masturbate, use these in intercourse.
Also read: 6 things to do if your spouse wants sex frequently but you don’t – or vice versa
The following tips can also help, but keep in mind that everyone is different and it usually takes a lot of trial and error to get the results you want. Having an orgasm is not as easy as the media lets us believe!
- Experiment with different positions – while it won’t guarantee orgasms through penetration alone, for some it can make the difference.
- Mix it up – consider getting yourself right to the point of orgasm another way and then finish off with intercourse
- Don’t just drop hints, be straightforward about what you like and don’t expect him to be a mind-reader.
Also read: Sex technique: How to sync your climax with your husband’s
- Relax as much as possible – a small amount of alcohol can reduce tension, as can playing music during lovemaking.
- Don’t fake it. If your partner doesn’t know you’re not having an orgasm, the two of you will never find ways to help you have one.
- Use tools – a vibrator can tip you over the edge; stimulating lubrication gels can help with orgasm and a clitoral pump increases blood flow to your clitoris to make sensations stronger. Masturbate in front of your husband – it may be a big turn-on for him, and can give him the opportunity to learn just how you like to be touched.
- Don’t fixate on it – if you’re constantly stressing about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you’re not going to be able to relax enough to climax. Focus on the journey rather than the destination.
- If nothing works and this is adversely affecting your sex life, making an appointment with a sex therapist can be very helpful.