Sex & Marriage

TRUE STORY: "My husband's porn habit hurt me so much I made him believe I was having an affair"

This woman was so upset about her husband watching porn all the time, she pretended she was seeing another man to get her revenge.
 

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“Soon after marrying John*, I noticed porn streaming from his computer before and while we were having sex. It was like having a third person in our marriage.

It wasn’t anything deviant and he didn’t seem to prefer a particular type of woman. But I felt like he didn’t really want me now that we were married and that he wanted women with bigger boobs. I also felt like he was just using my body for sex.

Our daily sex life soon dwindled to once or twice a month. I put it down to marital and work stress: He was trying to hold on to his job during the economic crisis, which he didn’t want to discuss with me.

It soon got to the point where he would watch porn when I was in the bathroom or still asleep. When I suggested: ‘Could you invite me to join in?’ he would say: ‘This is nothing. This is the same as me going to the loo in the morning.’

 

Also read: 4 surprising reasons why men cheat on their spouses

 

I tried lingerie, sex toys and scented candles to get his attention. They were a waste of money.

I knew he wasn’t having an affair: I had secretly gone through his computer and e-mail – I know all his passwords.

Enough is enough

One morning, when I caught John watching porn and masturbating, something in me snapped. By then, we had been married for over two years.

A plan formed in my mind. Just before he returned home, I put on makeup and wore a sexy dress, and left the house. I deliberately switched off my mobile phone. This was the first time I’d left home without telling John where I was going.

When I finally got home two hours later, I had never seen John looking so dismayed or exhausted. ‘Where have you been?’ he asked. ‘Who were you with?’

 

Also read: TRUE STORY: "I slept with my sister's fiance the night before their wedding"

 

I wanted to tell him that I was alone in a nearby cafe thinking about our marriage, but I acted guilty instead, to see his reaction. ‘Why do I need to tell you? I didn’t do anything wrong,’ I said and walked into the bedroom.

That night, he wanted to have sex with me but I turned away.

‘Did you have sex with someone?’ he begged. I ignored him.

I eventually gave in and we had sex. For the first time in almost two years, he touched my body like he really wanted me, as if looking for proof that I still loved him. It was just him and me. No porn.

Help from a third party

John thought I’d had an affair, and realised we had to seriously work on our marriage. A Google search for a counsellor led us to clinical sexologist Martha Lee of Eros Coaching. John and I saw her separately as our schedules didn’t match.

 

Also read: Is quick sex a sign of an unhappy marriage?

 

I had hoped that Martha would tell my husband not to watch porn as it was hurting me but she didn’t. Instead, she listened to me patiently when I went on about John’s bad behaviour in and out of the bedroom, and asked questions that helped me focus on my feelings and what I wanted in my marriage.

Talking to Martha also helped me realise that I had seen so many bad marriages around me that I found it hard to trust my husband. I had to get over this fear to make my marriage stronger.

When I confessed to John that I did not have an affair, he was relieved but he didn’t seem to trust me in the same way. It took almost two years after that for him to fully trust me again. In the process of making him realise that his porn habit was hurting me, I had hurt him.

Our life now

I came to realise that John had been using porn as an instant solution to stress, a form of release, while he realised that watching it didn’t give him the happiness he gets from my love.

 

Also read: 6 things to do if your spouse wants sex frequently but you don't - or vice versa​

 

We only have penetrative sex about once a week now but if John needs a quick release, which is almost every day, he turns to me – and not porn.

He might still watch porn when I travel for work but it doesn’t really matter to me. I think he watches it because he misses me. He’s also a lot more caring and more aware of my feelings.”

 

*Name has been changed.
This story was originally published in the August 2012 issue of Simply Her.

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