Do you lack confidence when you have sex? Singaporean women share with SASHA GONZALES their sexual insecurities and we get Singaporean men to tell us if our worries are unfounded.
1. YOU’RE NOT A SEXUAL BORE
She says: “I used to love surprising my hubby with new tricks when we had sex and we even experimented with sex toys. But now, we just don’t have the time or energy, and when we have sex; it tends to be quite pedestrian. I’m afraid he thinks I’ve lost my touch.” – Pamela*, 36, civil servant
He says: “Most men are happy to just have sex with the woman they love – there is no such thing as lousy sex for them. You should adjust your attitude a little. Go into it with a bit more passion and enthusiasm. Or ask him to come up with ways to spice things up. I’m sure he’ll love the challenge!” – Lionel Fernandez, 30, sports coach
2. POST-BABY BLUES
She says: “Since having my son three years ago, I haven’t been able to lose the weight I put on. There are folds of fat and strange bulges; I’m sure my hubby finds my body gross. I can’t have sex with the lights on.” – Amelia Nair, 32, stay-at-home mum
He says: “Curves and a soft, rounded belly are what make women, women. They’re something to hold, and a beautiful contrast against our own hard bodies. I wouldn’t worry too much, because when your husband is having sex with you, he’s probably thinking what a lucky guy he is, and how sexy you are.” – Peter*, 39, sales director
3. MOAN ON
She says: “I am quite vocal during sex; I wonder if my husband thinks I’m weird because he is not like me. I don’t think I can stop though – I’m actually turned on by my own moans.” – Gina*, 36, fashion designer
He says: “Your hubby may not be vocal, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to be. If anything, your moans and cries excite him – you’re telling him it’s okay to keep doing what he’s doing during sex.” – Jacob*, 37, engineer
4. IN GOOD TASTE
She says: “Whenever my hubby goes down on me, I worry about how I taste and smell to him. We always shower together before sex, but I still have this anxiety. How can I enjoy oral sex when I have all these questions running through my mind?” – Chelsea*, 28, pre-school teacher
He says: “A woman’s natural smell is actually what turns guys on, so I’m pretty sure your husband has no complaints there. Men like knowing that they can arouse and please a woman, so encourage him by moaning softly and telling him how much you like it. As long as he knows he is doing it right, he will keep at it until you tell him to stop.” – Andy*, 29, industrial designer
5. NO NEED TO TIGHTEN UP
She says: “I had my two kids naturally and even I can tell that I’m not as tight down there as I used to be. When my husband and I are having sex, I keep asking myself: How can he feel any pleasure if I’m too ‘loose’?” – Carmen*, 38, public relations manager
He says: “Most men don’t think about such things when they are having sex. To be honest, they cannot tell the difference. Your husband is probably so happy when he’s making love to you, he’s thinking: ‘Yes, yes, yes, score!’” – Marcus Lim, 40, teacher
6. SOUND EFFECTS
She says: “My vagina makes an embarrassing squishing sound when we’re making love. I know it’s normal but it’s so distracting. I’m worried my husband might think there’s something wrong with me – I don’t want him to be put off by the horrible sound.” – Anna Loh, 33, sales manager
He says: “There’s absolutely nothing off-putting about this. It’s a cute, funny sound – the beautiful melody of sex! If it bothers you that much, just laugh it off or experiment with positions until you find one that doesn’t produce that squeaking sound.” – Michael*, 30, teacher
* Names have been changed
Singapore expert Martha Lee, clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, shares how you can regain your sexual confidence:
1. Rethink your ideas about sex and your body. You should own your sexuality. If something about your sex life is bothering you, discuss it with your husband.
2. Do what makes you feel good. Understanding and nurturing your sexual side will fuel your sexual confidence.
Image: Getty Images
This article was originally published in SimplyHer December 2011.