Why is it hard to say “I Love You” to mum?

On Mother’s Day, these are the three words that echo in silence

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Do you remember the last time you said “I love you” to your mother?

Normally, it’s conveyed in the form of a written card, an expensive bouquet of flowers, or even a warm home-cooked meal on Mother’s Day. Love still exists beneath the surface, just displayed differently — not any more or less genuine, but through our actions rather than words.

As we grow older, the love we bear for our parents still remains deeply ingrained in our hearts, yet voicing our affection becomes increasingly difficult. The words become choked in our throats, stuck between discomfort and vulnerability. It feels embarrassingly awkward, random and out of place, even when it’s not supposed to be.

In spite of that, the very same words can be casually slipped into daily conversations with our friends. “I love you” comes so easily when conveying affection to a close friend, so why does the same phrase feel like you’re laying yourself bare when relaying it to your mother? Why does it carry such unexpected emotional weight?

If you feel this way, don’t worry. You’re far from being alone. We spoke to Singaporeans about why saying “I love you” to their mothers comes with much hesitation and difficulty — even when love is indeed true and present. Here’s how they feel about love within silence, and the hurdles they conquer to bridge that emotional gap.

Love is shown, not said

She never said it much while I was growing up, so “I love you” feels foreign. To me, love came in the form of her cut fruit and cooked meals. I naturally followed in her footsteps.
- 25-year-old, Samuel

As the saying goes, “You are your parents’ child.” From 25-year-old Samuel’s point of view, he never nurtured a habit of verbalising affection since young, and naturally, that practice followed him into adulthood. Acts of service are his love language to impart to his mother, and vice versa.

Love isn’t inherently proven by words of affection, I don’t see the need to verbalise my affection when I’m content with proving my love through actions.
- 22-year-old, Jia Xin

Likewise, for 22-year-old Jia Xin, love has no fixed form of expression. Actions may echo louder than words, and love is not limited to verbal statements.

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My mother is tired, I can tell, and that makes my heart ache. But she still cooks for me, works to give me an allowance, and even does most of the chores. Love is always present. Just, in the form of gestures instead!
- 22-year-old, Jeremy

For 22-year-old Jeremy, and in much of Singaporean culture, a mother’s love is not something often spoken about, but rather interpreted as acts of sacrifice, immense loyalty, and endless giving.  He adds, “I rarely say it, the words now hold an even deeper meaning. Years of heartfelt emotions summarised in three words feel a bit wrong.”

How does one express gratitude and condense years of hardship and sacrifice that their mother has endured for them into a simple phrase, “I love you”? These words are simply not enough to fully encapsulate the depth of a mother’s devotion.

I feel like Singaporean kids have this innate belief that they’re only worthy of their parents’ love if they have achievements… other than that, you’ll never feel worthy of their love. Yes, it is slightly toxic, but at the end of the day, it is still our unique way of expressing love, just the singular thought of wanting to make them happy.
- 21-year-old, Tasleem

Instead, our love is conveyed through personal sacrifices. Going out of one’s way to show you care, to meet your parents’ expectations and to make them content. To 21-year-old Tasleem, that is the most significant translation of “I love you.”

Generational differences

During her birthday, my mum froze when I said “I love you” to her. She didn’t know what to say, and brushed it off after giggling. I built up all that courage to finally pour my heart out, for her to not know how to respond. It was kind of sad.
- 32-year-old, Brandon

Over the exploratory years of adulthood, the influence of friends and romantic partners has naturally taught 32-year-old Brandon, to become more emotionally available and open in expressing his affection. Yet, his mother lacked the same experience, having grown up in an environment where love was implied and not voiced out. 

Mothers do not readily accept “I love you’s”, their response leaving us unsure whether to attempt to verbalise our affection again.

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She’s not comfortable with me saying it. It’s clear on her face that she enjoys me showing my appreciation with an “I love you”, but her hesitance in saying it back tells a different story.
- 22-year-old, Marlene

Being on different emotional wavelengths with your mother can prove to be an isolating experience, as if you’re speaking a dialect she doesn’t understand. Most parents in Singaporean households have yet to break free from the emotional restraint they grew up with. The denial of processing their feelings forbids them from receiving the greatest intangible gift from their children — love.

Emotional vulnerability

While we unlearn the tradition of being emotionally closed off, we have yet to address the greater problem at hand: allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of our mothers.

“I love you” leaves you completely defenceless — to let your guard down and risk rejection, discomfort and unpacking emotional baggage that you’ve never confronted before.

The ego of a parent automatically becomes the ego of their kid. When you don’t practice that behaviour of being vulnerable to your parents from a young age, it’s even harder to start practising this behaviour now.
- 21-year-old, Layla

For 21-year-old Layla, the act of saying “I love you” is odd and unfamiliar. The difficult act of saying “I love you” to our parents stems from their own difficulty in saying the same thing to us. This profound statement is rarely heard in Singaporean households, and is more often felt through the weight of our parents’ sacrifices and expectations.

It’s easier to change that ‘unexpressive’ perception of me when I meet new people and friends. To them, me saying “I love you” can be normalised as I can put on somewhat of a facade to be perceived as affectionate. They don’t know my extensive history of not expressing affection, unlike what my mother knows of me.
- 22-year-old, Jancis

For 22-year-old Jancis, relaying the words “I love you” to her mother entails fear. The inability to predict her reaction, the possibility of being left in the dark with complete silence. To abruptly express affection to her mother, a trait which she has learnt from people outside her household, feels like stepping into unfamiliar territory.

With our mothers, the phrase does not only carry affection, but also the gravity of everything unspoken: vulnerability, earnest gratitude and growing attachment that has been established over the years.

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It’s a bold, profound statement that bares one’s heart and soul, and for that reason, is exactly why it’s so hard to say to our mothers. The love we deeply feel translates into fear when we attempt to voice it out, afraid of this monumental moment coming to nothing in the end.

Nevertheless, I believe that love doesn’t have to be necessarily be one or the other. Love is best expressed as a fusion of both sounds, and is something that we willingly learn as we grow older.

At the end of the day, our mothers would only want the best for us. To return that, consistent acts of love and even a softly spoken “I love you”, would show our efforts in voicing out our appreciation, regardless of her response.

“I love you” doesn’t come easily, and I fear it never will. The moment may not be perfect, but it will definitely be genuine, and sometimes that’s all a mother could ask for.

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