Tabitha Nauser is a new woman

The stage is dark. A brilliant white spotlight falls on Tabitha Nauser as she takes centre stage at Jesus Christ Superstar. She belts out Mary Magdalene’s big number I Don’t Know How to Love Him, beautifully and effortlessly. The crowd is silent, captivated by the passion in her voice, a conveyance of Mary’s romantic feelings towards Jesus.

After twelve nights at the Sands Theatre and months of practice, Tabitha has found pieces of herself in Mary, her first musical theatre role in a decade. Her last appearance on stage was in 2016, as Mimi Marquez in Pangdemonium’s production of Rent.

“She very much wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s very empathetic. She loves very deeply,” the 34-year-old says of her character. Yet in this fictionalised retelling of the final week of Jesus Christ’s life before his crucifixion, Mary – a role that Tabitha shared with fellow actor Frances Lee – is also grappling with confusion over her identity and emotions.

“You have a certain image of yourself that you want to hold on to and you’re like, ‘This is who I am’. But change is inevitable,” Tabitha muses.

It’s a feeling that the singer-songwriter knows intimately. Between her 20s and becoming a mother to her now three-year-old daughter Aaliyah, Tabitha is certain that she has become a completely different person. But change didn’t happen overnight. For the first two years of motherhood, shares Tabitha, she still held on to the pre-partum version of herself – a “cool person”, but also a “people pleaser” to her own detriment.

She’s been a familiar name on the entertainment scene for 17 years and counting, following her appearance on Singapore Idol in 2009, where she placed third. She then became a radio DJ, and left the airwaves after four years to focus on her singing career. She also starred in the 2019 Netflix reality series, Singapore Social. Despite all of that, it took years before she truly felt comfortable in her own skin. “I felt like I needed to prove that I deserved to be in this space,” she says, sipping on a matcha latte as she reflects on her early career.

“I would have found doing a project this big very intimidating in my 20s,” she says of Jesus Christ Superstar. “Whereas now, it’s not that I don’t find it intimidating – I know I can do it.”

Finding strength in motherhood

Tabitha’s 20s were rocky, to say the least. She recalls how difficult it was to enter the media industry as a young girl without any connections, which left her vulnerable.

“It’s exciting, it’s fun, it’s beautiful,” she prefaces about the entertainment scene. “On the flip side, it can be a bit exploitative.”

Tabitha candidly shares that she struggled in the earlier years of her career and – looking back at her naivety – wishes she had been more strong-willed. Throughout her 20s, she reveals, she was constantly preoccupied with what other people thought, and worried about being difficult. Navigating relationships was challenging, and accidentally upsetting someone or hearing negative comments about herself could leave her crying for days.

“I was so afraid of taking up space and being myself,” she shares. It was a stark contrast to her online persona, who came off as a confident woman who knew herself well.

“It felt like I was lying, almost. Behind closed doors, I felt like s*** basically. The lowest self-esteem,” she confesses. But when she gave birth to her daughter Aaliyah, whom she shares with long-term partner Louie Salmon-Pansuk, a switch flipped. It pushed her to think beyond herself, which was a marked departure for someone who – by her own admission – was “a little bit self-absorbed”, due to the nature of her work.

“Motherhood has opened me up, but also broken me down into so many little pieces. A huge chunk of who I was then doesn’t exist now,” she declares.

“Now, I just don’t care anymore. I’m OK with being the villain in somebody’s story. I can acknowledge if I’ve done something wrong, and I will apologise. But just knowing that in itself, I feel so much more free.”

And while the Tabitha in her 20s might have clamoured for roles and recognition, the 30something version of her knows exactly where her priorities lie.

“I am totally OK just being Aaliyah’s mum,” she says with a small shrug. “My whole world now revolves around my daughter. And I don’t feel the need to be like, ‘No, I am my own person.’ I don’t care. And I think that makes me a better person.”

Her goals, naturally, have shifted too. She’s now striving to become the type of mother that her daughter can turn to for anything.

“If she’s 60 years old and I’m still alive at 90, if she’s sad and she’s like, ‘Mum, I just want to talk to you for a little bit’ – that would be my biggest accomplishment,” says Tabitha, beaming. “She’s the best project in the world.”

Becoming Mary

Which brings us back to today. Tabitha admits that being away from her family for rehearsals and performances for Jesus Christ Superstar had not been easy. When asked if she ever imagined herself to be in such a big-scale musical theatre production, she says yes almost instantly, then bursts into laughter.

“I was very deluded as a kid – I think you kind of have to be,” Tabitha admits. “I had fantasies of being on stage and doing all sorts of crazy stuff.”

When she was offered the role after a closed-call audition in July, she said that she felt “very blessed” and jumped at it, despite not being familiar with the musical. Her mindset? “I’m just going to say yes. And then I’ll figure it out as I go.”

The road to the stage, however, has been a little unconventional. Just two weeks after landing the role, Tabitha flew to Hong Kong for rehearsals with the cast, who were in the middle of their run there. She had just two days of stage and face time with them. She didn’t see them again till they came to Singapore the following month, and then jumped straight into performing for 12 nights from Aug 19 to Sept 6.

Tabitha describes her rehearsal experience in Hong Kong as “quite an intense process”. On the first day, the director and musical director talked her through the show from start to finish – no props, just an empty studio space and a whole lot of information to take in. And because the cast were busy with their performances throughout her trip, the planned full run-through with them became more of just a quick practice through her parts.

Thankfully, the cast were “extremely helpful”, she says. She was also able to watch their runs, see the backstage process, and map out her positions on stage. Returning to Singapore, most of her rehearsals had been alone in her room – which she says was rather challenging. She wished she had more face time with the cast.

“Sometimes, this is just how it is,” she divulges. “You don’t ask too many questions. You’re just like, ‘Yeah, I’m up for it. I can do it’. And then you just commit.”

The next episode

For her next appearance, Tabitha is looking at the big screen. “I would love to do a horror movie. I want to have a horrible death,” she says gleefully. “I like something that’s a little bit gory. But I also love thrillers.” She cites movies like Saw and miniseries The Haunting of Hill House as the kind of projects she’d love to sink her teeth into.

“I am totally OK just being Aaliyah’s mum.”

She’s continuing to chart her path in the music industry too, with a long-held dream of going on tour. Just a couple of weeks ago, she dropped her new single Waste The Night – a pop-R&B dance anthem about meeting someone on a night out, realising you’re really attracted to them, and then going for it.

“It’s very confident and assertive,” Tabitha says of the song. It’s a pretty fitting snapshot of where she is in life now. More poignantly, the song is about recognising that there is not enough time, and that life is short, she adds. And if you really want something, you should at least ask or put yourself out there – no matter the answer.

“At this point in my life, I don’t really wait for things to happen,” she says. “I try to see if I can make them happen, because I’m not fearful of rejection.”

That fearlessness, ironically, is the direct result of her turbulent early career. “The sad thing is, I really believed through those experiences that maybe music wasn’t for me,” she shares, her voice faltering as her eyes well up. “I was fighting through a lot of that.”

She takes a breath, then continues: “But I’m glad that I did, even though it was really hard. I’m so proud of that person. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t still be doing this. And I’m so grateful that I still have a platform.”

Today, Tabitha is more sure of herself than ever.

“I feel the most confident I have ever felt; my abilities, my skills, the way I look,” she adds. “I genuinely love who I am.”

And that’s exactly what Tabitha hopes her daughter will see – a woman who never gives up.

“It doesn’t matter how many times you feel like you need to do something to get to where you’re going. But just don’t quit. I want her to be able to take that and apply it to her own life,” Tabitha says.

“I have a dream. And I hope she knows that I just kept trying.”

PHOTOGRAPHY JOEL LOW
CREATIVE DIRECTION & STYLING: LENA KAMARUDIN, ASSISTED BY JEON JAE WON
ART DIRECTION RAY TICSAY
HAIR GREGO
MAKEUP KENNETH CHIA, USING LANCOME
OUTFIT FOR FEATURED IMAGE Wool and shearling jacket, and knee-length skirt, Coach. Knitted long-sleeved top, Longchamp. Josephine Aigrette white gold diamond necklace, Chaumet