The Singleporean: Adult friendships are not that hard...

The Singleporean is an anonymous column by a 30something, female Singaporean writer who’s obviously single (and cautiously ready to mingle). She pens her thoughts on work, relationships, and adulting from the lens of a millennial on the cusp of a mid-life crisis.

Things shrink as you approach your 40s. Some grapple with receding hairlines, deteriorating eyesight, and diminishing libidos. For many of us, our friendships start to plateau, before fading away. Before you know it, you are commiserating on Reddit, asking, “How common is it for adults to not have any friends at all?”

When I set my own personal KPIs this year (meet people, get laid, and try not to accidentally procreate), I didn’t expect to be making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. As I opened myself up to dates, I also started attending various events – lectures, book readings, and parties – where I’ve bumped into long-lost acquaintances.

Sometimes, with a little help from liquid courage, I would strike up conversations with strangers. In the course of my work, I’ve chatted with different women about their romantic relationships for inspiration. It’s always a pleasant surprise when our conversations end with, “Let’s hang out again.”

If I had a question for the Reddit forums, it’d be: What gives? Aren’t new adult friendships supposed to be practically non-existent in your 30s?

You are what you are

In truth, I’m an extremely private person. Some of the topics I avoid discussing include my bank account PIN, credit card debt, and interpersonal relationships.

Over time, this desire for privacy and emotional distance led me to keep most of my interactions superficial and transactional. I started avoiding social engagements outside of work, and my boundaries became a barrier for entry that was a challenge for anyone to pass. I was a flaming, emotionally avoidant red flag.

Intervention came in the form of my therapist, who introduced the concept of reconnecting with my core self. Simply put, it is defined by being grounded in your sense of self: who you truly are as a person, your values, and how you perceive yourself to be.

This journey was by no means an easy one. We walked through a vault of memories that unearthed a painful well of emotions, and each session felt overwhelming with the lessons it had to offer.

She guided me in identifying values that became my bedrock. Honesty, accountability, compassion, integrity and respect are my non-negotiables, and they are what I seek when making new connections.

Being real with each other

After years of unwavering effort and consistent work, I’m no longer ashamed of my insecurities and self-doubt. I let myself feel the sting of failure and rejection. I acknowledge my anxieties, but do not linger on them. When faced with uncertainty, I’m never more certain of my instincts, resilience and experience.

Six months on, it’s time for a mid-year check-in: I’m still discerning about who I let in, and when I do, I’m fully present and vulnerable with those who share my values. So far, this approach has served me well, and I’ve been lucky to add both new and old friends to my social circle.

From encouraging each other in maintaining our new-found obsession with a healthier lifestyle to engaging in spirited discourse, they have been pivotal in enriching my perspective.

If there’s something I’ve learnt from how my year has been shaping up, it’s that life begins when you embrace your authentic self. And guess what? It only gets better from here.

Have a topic you’d like us to explore? Email your suggestions to magherworld@sph.com.sg with ‘The Singleporean’ in the header.