Op-ed: Do we all grow up to become our mothers?

Mother’s Day is often about celebrating our mums, but as we grow into motherhood ourselves, it becomes something more. It becomes a moment to reflect on the relationship we’ve had, what we carry forward, and what we’re still learning to let go of.

If I reflect back on my own mother when I was a teenager, I definitely took her for granted. I took her strength and firmness as annoyance. I took her strict rules as archaic and old-fashioned, and I took the lessons she taught me as downright painful. When I first had children, I was determined to do everything my way to become a mother that was independent of my own. I wanted to develop this unique identity of the mother I’d always wanted to be. And yet, as the years passed, I see myself morphing partly into the mum that I truly am, but also into someone very similar to my own mother.

I got it from my mama

Whether you are a new mother or a mum of older children, it’s a beautiful journey to reflect on how we develop our identity as a mother. My children are now 12 and 16, and more and more I see the strength I give them, the love I bestow upon them, is so similar to the kind of guidance my mother gave me. And now, in my mid-40s, with the realisation, confidence and gratitude I have towards my own mother, I find myself wanting to acknowledge and let my mum know that so much of who she is resides in me.

As a life coach, I speak to so many women about the complex relationship they have with their own mother. And I think there are things we can do to honour our mothers this Mother’s Day. The first is being honest and upfront about the role our mothers have played in shaping who we are today. That means showing gratitude for all those hard lessons, the unwavering support, and the tough love we sometimes found difficult to endure, but that built strong roots within us.

Those roots are what we now pass on to our children, with confidence, not as mothers who speak on a whim or guide blindly, but with intention and understanding. I often catch myself speaking like my mother, smiling to myself, remembering her, and realising that I now carry that same confidence she once had when she guided me.

The mother you choose to be

The second is something I see so often in my practice – women, even later in life, still struggling with the complexity of their relationship with their mother. And as mothers ourselves, one of the most meaningful things we can do is to be honest and open about the parts that were hard. The parts we’re ready to move on from, and to forgive. Motherhood doesn’t come with a guidebook. There are no fixed rules, and no one can tell us exactly how to get it right. So if you feel the need to forgive your mother, or to speak up and advocate for how you feel about certain things that have happened over the years, I encourage you to do it.

What does that bring? Closeness, forgiveness, and the ability to move forward without carrying a burden that we unknowingly pass on to the next generation. One of my clients recently told me that living with her mother while caring for her newborn has been one of the most difficult periods of her life. Not because there isn’t love, but because she’s navigating two identities at once: her relationship with her own mother, and her identity as a new mum. It’s brought up emotions she didn’t expect, and it’s pushed her to reflect deeply on the kind of mother she wants to be. It hasn’t been easy, but it has helped her begin to set her own boundaries and step into her own space as a mother in her own right.

And I think that’s the reality we don’t always talk about – motherhood is hard. And if we can free ourselves, speak up, or simply reflect on these relationships honestly, that in itself is a gift. As we sit with those reflections, we also have a choice – to take action, to move on from them, or simply to acknowledge them. I know for many women, there is a real sense of release when they finally speak up and communicate how they feel towards their mother with kindness and understanding. It allows the relationship to move forward in a more open and grounded way. Is it easy? No, maybe not. But holding on to the challenges, memories, and experiences we haven’t processed can leave us feeling stuck, without even realising it.

The third is simply this – if you are a mother, celebrate it. It is an unknown, often thankless job. It is beautiful, difficult, tumultuous, frustrating… but truthfully, it is a joy. If you are a woman reading this, reach out to your mum. Reflect on your relationship, and give thanks where it’s needed. And for anything that is left unspoken, have the courage, bravery, and respect to share it, to understand, and move forward.

Shireena Shroff Manchharam is a Her World Tribe member, the founder and principal consultant of Sheens Consulting, and the founder and creator of Getting To Happy, a mental health movement to inspire our community and society to live happier, more mindful lives.