Mum groups: Are they support systems, or social nightmares?

In the age of hyper-connected parenting, mum groups have become either circles of solidarity or exclusion. Few stories captured this tension more vividly than Ashley Tisdale’s account in The Cut, published earlier this year. Her article about exclusion from a mum group quickly sparked debate about cliquey behaviour versus misaligned expectations.

More recently, a Vogue essay published abou ta month after Tisdale’s account also spotlighted this dilemma, describing how the author’s search for a friend group for her child led instead to uncomfortable social dynamics amongst the adults.

Reading these stories, I was curious about the appeal of mum groups. Are they truly toxic, or is the reality more complex?

I became a new mum last year and have not felt compelled to join any formal mum groups. I was invited to a few mum meet-ups but was too tired to attend, and declined a large online mums chat knowing that I would be overwhelmed.

For me, not joining a group wasn’t a deliberate decision to avoid such communities. It was more about not having any capacity for meet-ups or additional WhatsApp chats, especially as an introvert.

However, I never felt that I was missing out or that I needed a mum group for support. Connection with other mums unfolded through individual texts and casual, ad-hoc meetups and playdates. The support was no less real for being informal.

When I struggled with perineum discomfort after my vaginal delivery, I texted a few mum friends on how to manage this. One of them even dropped by to pass me perineum spray and ice pads to soothe my discomfort, and another gave me a stack of maternity diapers for my heavy bleeding.

My non-mum friends were equally supportive too. A friend from church helped organise a play date with my daughter and other kids, which also involved our friends without kids. We had a blast at Jewel’s Canopy Park - both kids and adults alike.

The social politics of mum groups

I spoke to several mums for their perspective. For some, the appeal is simple: connection. First-time mother Hannah, 30, joined her first group to find people who were in the same boat.

Unlike Tisdale, she found solidarity. “The amount of amazing advice that helped me keep sane, feel less alone and become a better mother is priceless,” she shares. “We realised many of us have similar quarrels with our husbands over chores, childcare and finances.”

Hannah acknowledges that it’s normal for big mum groups to have smaller cliques as well. This is something mums can expect when joining a larger group.

“I don’t think all the mums in Ashley Tisdale’s group are intentionally leaving anyone out, but just choosing closer mums to hang out with,” she observes. She also encourages all mums to be inclusive. “A group is inclusive when everyone truly cares for each other and doesn’t let anyone feel left out or alone because we all know how that feels, especially being stay-home mums like myself,” she says.

Another first-time mother, Wen Yan, 31, found that different groups served different needs. A breastfeeding mums’ community supported her emotionally and helped her persevere, especially when her then four-month old went through a period of latching refusal. Her church’s mums group and playgroup also became pillars of support when motherhood felt lonely.

Still, she recognises that personality and expectations matter.

“I have felt left out before when seeing other mums hanging out, but I’m pretty emotionally sensitive,” she says. “My work doesn’t allow me to attend many mum hangouts either.”

Clara, 36, mum of three, also chose not to join formal groups. Instead, she leaned on long-standing friendships. “I have a close circle of friends who happen to be in the same season of life as me — all mums, figuring it out together,” she says.

Listening to other mums share, one thing became clear: mum groups can be powerful sources of support. But like any social circle, they carry the possibility of misunderstanding or feeling left out. I don’t think they are inherently toxic — they are simply human.

“Stories of exclusion are a reminder of how lonely motherhood can feel sometimes,” adds Clara. “Let’s just be kind — motherhood is hard enough without feeling like you don’t belong.”