“He said he dissociates at the sight of a vagina” –Women share their shocking dating app encounters

In the women’s toilet of a mall along Orchard Road, a notice posted behind the stall doors is causing a stir.

Printed in bold, upper-case letters is a cautionary tale about a man who has allegedly been “luring women with false claims of seeking a life partner” – all while being in a relationship with a woman pregnant with his child.

Titillating as the story may be, it’s hardly an uncommon scenario. But here’s where it gets concerning: accompanying the notice are screenshots of the man’s dating profile on several popular apps, where he had allegedly been targeting unsuspecting women.

The notices, which were put up in February, have since been removed, and efforts to verify these claims have so far been unsuccessful.

However, several women Her World spoke to shared their own experiences with the dark side of online dating, recounting stories of lies, cheating and emotional manipulation.

Linda* was going through a separation from her husband a few years ago when a friend mentioned seeing his profile on Tinder. Curious, she downloaded the app – only to come across profiles of other people she knew who were married and actively seeking dates online.

“Sure, I know some people aren’t in happy marriages, but my question is, why not just get a divorce? There’s always the same excuse: Oh, we have kids, we have responsibilities. But that’s no reason to lead a double life.

“Even if you’re not in a physical relationship with your wife any more, the question is – if other people can see what you’re doing, won’t she eventually find out?” asks the office manager, who is in her 50s.

Linda stayed on the app for three weeks, before deleting it. A few years later, she decided to give online dating another shot. This time, she met an acquaintance whom she had dated briefly before.

“I knew he was married when I went out with him, but he told me he was separated from his wife. After a few months, I realised it wasn’t true. That was when we ended things,” she says.

June*, a 30something interior designer, shares a similar encounter that happened about eight years ago. In her case, she had already been dating the man – a German who travelled regularly to Singapore for business – for three months, before discovering that he was already married with kids in Germany via his Wechat profile photo history.

This wasn’t her first relationship where a third party was involved. Her bad luck with online dating started years before, when she connected with a supposedly single match on Tinder.

“I matched with him because we had a common friend – a close friend of mine who was studying in the US. On our first date, he gave me a bag of gifts and said he had just returned from San Francisco. 

“Inside, there were souvenirs and a postcard with a message, ‘To the beautiful girl I’m meeting later’, along with some other cheesy words. It felt weird. I sent a picture to my close girlfriends, and we laughed about it. It was a bit much,” she recounts.

Despite this, June continued seeing him and even spent time with him alongside her friends – until a meet-up with her US-based friend in Singapore uncovered a shocking revelation.

“I was talking about him and when I mentioned his name, my friend was shocked. It turned out that this guy had recently proposed to his fiancee during his trip to San Francisco – the same trip where he bought me gifts. He had proposed while still actively searching for other women online,” she exclaims.

Furious, she confronted him in person and told him that she knew about his engagement, which he denied at first.

“He started making excuses, saying he wasn’t happy, and that he had been with his fiancee for so long that he felt trapped. He even said he had more chemistry with me. I said I wasn’t going to tell his fiancee, but she would find out eventually. Then, I cut him off completely. I was disgusted,” says June.

Navigating lies and deception on dating apps

A 2018 study by researchers from the Netherlands and the US, which looked at why people cheat via dating apps, found that 42 per cent of Tinder users were either married or in an exclusive relationship.

More recently, a 2023 study in Current Psychology revealed that people in committed relationships who perceive themselves as more desirable partners are more likely to engage in online infidelity. A Forbes article published in 2024 speculates that this could be one reason why people cheat on dating apps.

“Unmet expectations within their marriage may drive them to seek fulfilment elsewhere. These unmet expectations, which can be emotional, physical or psychological, can create dissatisfaction and frustration, and instead of communicating their needs or working through issues with their partner, they seek satisfaction and validation outside of marriage.

“This behaviour often arises from a lack of emotional maturity or an unwillingness to invest in resolving relationship conflicts,” observes Annabelle Chow, a clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology.

More insidiously, such behaviour may even extend to gaslighting, deception and emotional manipulation of women. Iman*, a 24-year-old student, dated a man who spoke about a “crazy ex-girlfriend” from his past – only for the ex to reach out to Iman with a warning after they broke up.

“She said, ‘I don’t know if you’re talking to this guy, but if you are, you should block him. We are fighting in court over his abusive behaviour [during our relationship].’” shares Iman.

By then, Iman had already noticed red flags in their relationship, which led her to initiate the break-up. Still, she remained cautious about the truth of the ex-girlfriend’s story and asked for evidence.

Says Iman: “She sent me a Google Drive folder with a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against him, police reports and screenshots. He was abusive, and when she became pregnant, he forced her to have an abortion. She ended up going through with it, but he continued harassing her.”

This confirmed her intuition that something had felt off when they were together. The constant love-bombing – where he would say things like he had never dated a girl like her before – made her sceptical of his words. Like June, Iman found out that the man was also dating other women through a friend.

“My friend messaged me, saying that he was active on Hinge and had just matched with her. We weren’t exclusive, but he kept telling me I was the only girl he was interested in. It wasn’t the fact that he was seeing other people – it was the lying that bothered me,” she says.

Identifying digital red flags

Assistant professor and criminologist Olivia Choy from Nanyang Technological University’s School of Social Sciences, and her research assistants Ng Wi En and Philippa Rae Self from Campus Sexual Misconduct in a Digital Age (Casmida) – a research team specialising in sexual violence – share some warning signs that may indicate one is dealing with a predatory individual online.

“Statements like ‘You’re different from other girls’ or ‘I’ve never met someone like you’ can be manipulation tactics. This approach is also commonly used in grooming, which is particularly relevant as younger individuals increasingly join dating apps.”

The team adds that love-bombing can also be a manipulation tactic, whereas a healthy relationship involves getting to know someone beyond surface-level attraction.

“Ask yourself: Do they truly like you for who you are, or are they projecting an idealised version of you?”

Annabelle points out that secrecy is a major red flag. These men often conceal aspects of their lives, which can signal dishonesty and a lack of real commitment. For example, they might be evasive about their location or daily activities.

These signs are all too familiar to Iman. In another encounter last year, she matched with a 24-year-old army regular who frequently flaked on her at the last minute, or ghosted her for months at a time. When he eventually resurfaced and apologised, she decided to give him another chance.

“We finally had our first date in December, went out four times, and then tried to meet up more – but he kept cancelling at the last minute due to ‘work’. After the fourth or fifth time, he messaged me on Telegram, apologising and saying he didn’t mean to leave me hanging.

“At the time, I was blindsided because he had been lovebombing me. He claimed I was the only girl he was talking to, and even went on a whole rant about how he was ‘old-school’ and didn’t believe in roster dating,” she shares.

After they reconnected, he began showering her with gifts – even sending lingerie to her house, which Iman felt had crossed the line. She later discovered that he had been exclusively dating someone else while he was seeing her, and contacted his girlfriend via Telegram to warn her.

“When she confronted him, he tried to paint me as a crazy ex. He even deleted our chat history, but I had already exported the messages as evidence.”

Unsurprisingly, these experiences have made her more apprehensive about meeting people on dating apps.

“It’s so easy for people to lie online. Since then, I have only gone on one date and take everything people say with a pinch of salt,” says Iman.

Why do online dating platforms attract individuals who misrepresent themselves or even fabricate identities?

Unlike in-person interactions, the team at Casmida explains, online messaging enables perpetrators to carefully curate their responses, juggle multiple relationships simultaneously, and sustain deception without the logistical challenges of face-toface interactions.

“This enables them to delay responses, plan their manipulations, and engage in parallel emotional manipulation.”

The preference for online interactions, whether on dating apps or social media platforms, has made it easier for predators to hide behind their screens and engage in questionable behaviour.

Luna*, a 22-year-old student, recalls a close encounter when she was 19. After texting on Bumble and Telegram for a while, she and her match began voice calling on Discord, a free communication app.

“One day, he told me over a voice call that he had personality dissociation disorder. He explained that he dissociates and essentially becomes another person in certain situations.

“When I asked him to elaborate, he said that during sexual intercourse, seeing a vagina triggers his dissociation, making him unable to understand the word no,” she says.

The interaction made her uncomfortable – Luna told him it sounded like an excuse for rape and sent him a message to end their online friendship.

“I wasn’t afraid because our interactions were only through texts or voice calls, but I felt weirded out,” she says.

Keeping safe online

In 2024, Tinder hit 50 million users, Hinge reached a record high in global downloads, ranking as the second most downloaded dating app in its markets, while Bumble reported a 10 per cent increase in paid users, reaching three million in total.

With more users swiping right on online dating, should dating apps take greater responsibility in ensuring the online safety of its users? A Bumble spokesperson states that it uses a combination of human moderation and automated safeguards to detect and remove comments and images that violate its guidelines.

“This includes harassment, identity-based hate, and other inappropriate content in over 100 languages. As soon as it has been established that an account has violated our community guidelines, they will be sent a warning or banned from the app. Repeat violations may result in a permanent ban.”

Users seeking advice can access online resources like Bumble’s support service, Bloom, which offers in-depth video courses on dating, relationships and boundaries, along with one-on-one web chats with its global, trauma-informed team.

In 2023, the app partnered with local women’s organisation Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) on an anti-abuse tip line for organisations to report harmful or dangerous individuals to Bumble’s dedicated Member Safety team.

Reported individuals who attempt to use the app will receive a warning from Bumble, and have their profiles permanently removed from the platform.

Corinna Lim, Aware’s executive director, shares that the non-profit is developing a new workshop for young people that explores dating as a context where issues of safety, consent, boundaries, communication, and red flags often arise.

“We realised that dating is one of the key spaces where gender norms and power dynamics play out,” she says. “This workshop isn’t about teaching people how to date – it’s about helping them understand how social conditioning shapes their experiences, recognise unhealthy behaviours, and build healthier, more respectful relationships.”

The programme is currently still in development, and Aware is actively seeking funding and partners to bring it to life.

In addition to offering anti-harassment prompts and the option to report and block problematic users, Match Group – the American tech conglomerate that owns and operates Tinder and Hinge – established the Match Group Advisory Council in 2018.

This council includes anti-human trafficking and sexual violence non-profits, as well as experts in online safety. In 2024, Match launched Tech Against Scams, a global initiative that brings together companies from the social media, cryptocurrency and financial industries.

Most recently, the group announced a collaboration with AI deepfake detection platform Reality Defender to identify AI-generated photos across its platforms.

Still, Annabelle recommends closer collaboration between dating apps and psychologists to introduce safety features that help users recognise red flags and navigate manipulative behaviours.

“Psychological safety features can equip users with the knowledge and confidence to protect themselves from potential harm. For example, apps could incorporate tips on recognising patterns like gaslighting or understanding emotional manipulation directly into their interface,” she suggests.

Don’t dismiss your instincts

Ultimately, common sense and sound judgment remain the most effective deterrents against these bad actors. The timeless adage – if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is – serves as an important reminder for women when meeting people online.

According to Casmida, social support is key, as friends can often spot red flags more easily due to their outside perspective. If something feels off, seeking a second opinion is always a wise decision.

Annabelle warns that ignoring feelings of discomfort can lead to missing important warning signs. Setting clear emotional and physical boundaries while maintaining strong support networks is essential.

“Rushing into deep commitments too soon can make it harder to spot red flags. It’s important to take the time to get to know the person and observe their actions over time, rather than relying solely on their words,” she says.

Iman agrees, adding: “A lot of the time, if you notice that their actions don’t match their words, it usually means they’re either lying to you or simply not self-aware.”

Linda, who has since found a partner through Tinder, insists on meeting potential connections via video calls before taking things further.

“There are so many scammers out there. I’ve connected with people and thought, ‘Okay, maybe this person might be alright.’ But when the video call finally happens, you can hear their voice, yet the video doesn’t match. There’s no cohesion between the audio and the visuals. At that point, I immediately know – it’s definitely a scam.”

Another sign, she shares, is when the person becomes defensive as the conversation turns more personal.

“When you communicate with someone, you want to be able to talk about anything – whether it’s completely silly stuff or deeper conversations. A genuine person won’t take it personally if you ask them something. But if they respond with, ‘Why are you asking me that? I already told you X, Y and Z,’ then that’s a red flag.”

For June, she now makes sure to conduct a background check on the men she meets online, whether through social media or Google.

“There are a lot of married men pretending to be single. Some even claim to be in open relationships, but their wives had no idea. One time, I matched with someone and looked him up on Facebook. He had a newborn baby. His profile wasn’t private, so I saw everything. Social media is a powerful thing,” she says.

Finally, never underestimate the power of intuition, emphasises Linda, who firmly believes in trusting her instincts.

“No matter how badly you want to be in a relationship, no matter how lonely you are, if you have even the slightest doubt, don’t dismiss it. You might think, Okay, I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe I misheard. Maybe I’m overthinking it.

“But the one takeaway I can share is this: Trust your gut, because it is never, ever wrong.”

*Names have been changed

ADDITIONAL RESEARCH Latisha Sonia Shaymentyran
DIGITAL IMAGING Adeline Eng