Can you truly forgive a cheater? Here’s what Singaporeans think

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” It’s a saying we’ve all heard at least once, and perhaps even gone through, especially when we’re on the topic of cheating. The pain of betrayal is one that cannot be forgotten, and rarely overlooked and forgiven. Could you ever look at someone the same way after they’ve inflicted such irreversible pain on you? The most popular advice would be to walk away from the relationship, to spare yourself the familiar pain of history repeating itself. Oftentimes, we assume that giving a cheating partner another chance would leave us stuck in a cycle of recurring emotional turmoil.

After all, you’re not obligated to forgive someone who has hurt you before. If you allow yourself to stay in the relationship, there’s a chance you might end up hating yourself more than you ever hated them for placing yourself in that position of vulnerability. Rebuilding that trust, which is the foundation of every healthy relationship, is never going to be simple. In fact, it’s draining, and sometimes even impossible.

In modern relationships, with most Gen Zs echoing the motto of “Here for a good time, and not a long time”, cheating has become more prevalent than ever. In Relish’s 2020 relationship health report conducted by certified marriage therapists, 26% of respondents admitted to experiencing infidelity in their current relationships at some point, with 23% reporting emotional infidelity, 21% physical infidelity and the majority (55%) reporting both emotional and physical infidelity.

The definition of cheating for everyone is different. However, what’s at the heart of cheating is the same. Your partner has overstepped your boundaries, a line that was drawn and mutually agreed on.

As we dive deeper into the topic of infidelity, we spoke to a relationship therapist for a non-biased view, to find out all the answers you need.

Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director of The Relationship Room Singapore, alludes that cheaters can indeed change, although it requires deep personal work and reflection.

A two-timer’s inner transformation cannot be sparked and sought in you, the person you got cheated on with, or anybody else; it has to be found within themselves to strive to never repeat this mistake again.

Theresa Pong emphasises that both parties have to be equally committed towards rebuilding a relationship and restoring shared trust. A relationship goes both ways, and it begins with letting go of any prejudice or resentment toward one another before working together to address underlying issues in the relationship. Genuine change is rooted in guilt and accountability. With time, space and mutual support, one can truly begin to understand their emotions and values, setting the scene for healing and personal growth.

Love is not only about loyalty and respect, it’s also about forgiveness. If genuine remorse and effort are put into rebuilding that trust, shouldn’t love be given a second chance? Would walking away mean giving up on a relationship that could be repaired?

Yet, from another perspective: Would you be reinforcing that mindset and rewarding that negative behaviour if you ever gave a cheater a second chance? Will that spur them to just continue doing the same?

We spoke to Singaporeans for various perspectives on infidelity, and their thoughts on the possibilities of redemption for people who have been romantically disloyal.

A leopard doesn’t change its spots

Cheating is a choice, and a conscious decision. No matter the excuse, cheaters have actively chosen to be tempted. Breaking your trust was a calculated decision.

The suffocating thought of them cheating on you again might haunt your mind, and your tainted perception of them will only leave you feeling miserable and alone, even while in a relationship.

Our love is on a tightrope

For some cheaters, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a pattern. Being deceived twice, 21-year-old Harriet has been battling trust issues after giving an ex-boyfriend one too many chances to remain loyal. Empty promises are a great disguise for white lies.

Their relationship being complicated by marriage and a child, Minnie decided to rebuild that broken trust from scratch, with a willing husband who was determined to change for the better. Through couples therapy, their relationship has emerged as more reliable and healthy than ever, proving that cheaters can indeed change with the right mindset and resources to fix issues in themselves and their relationship.

They’ll change, with the next person

Although the sting of betrayal lingers in the back of Alicia’s mind, their bittersweet relationship has left a mark on Brandon, who seemed to change for the better after being in emotional turmoil. The significance of John’s loss caused him to reflect and transform himself into a more compassionate person, emotionally traumatised by the consequences of his actions.

Protect your peace

If you’re ever in the position where you have to choose between trying to salvage the relationship or letting someone go because of their mistake, it’s important to consider and have your best interests at heart and think about it in the long run. Change takes time, and sometimes, forgiveness can be misinterpreted as permission to repeat the same behaviour, without truly understanding the value of what was nearly lost. Even if your partner does change, ask yourself: can you live with the past? If the answer is no, then don’t stay. Carrying unresolved hurt into the future will only haunt and exhaust you.