Birthday blues: Why some of us hate celebrating our birthdays — and how to cope with it

Birthdays are supposed to be ‘The Best Day of The Year’ for most of us. It’s the one day where you can count on people to shower you with attention, well wishes and of course, presents. Essentially, it’s the time of year when you’re supposed to be at your happiest. 

But this doesn’t quite ring true for many. For instance, for Asyiqin Musta’ein, who recently turned 28, felt an overwhelming wave of sadness as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake amidst the resounding cheers of her family members.

“It wasn’t a drawn-out feeling that led up to my birthday, but I felt this sudden wave of emotions; a realisation that my special day is just an ordinary day,” she recounted.

While Asyiqin’s wave of sadness didn’t last for too long, 23-year-old Natalie Seow’s case of the ‘birthday blues’ reared its head even before her big day.

The physiotherapist admitted, “As my birthday was approaching, I didn’t know how to celebrate my achievements and being alive because at that point, I didn’t feel like there was anything worth celebrating.”

While the ‘birthday blues’ might manifest differently in individuals, Alexis Reinheimer, therapist at Talk Your Heart Out, says that the mix of difficult emotions that some people tend to feel on their birthday is normal and certainly not an isolated event.

Dreading your birthday every year isn’t exactly the best way to live life, so we asked Alexis to shed some light on why we feel down on our birthday and ways to reframe our mindset to keep the blues away on our special day.

Birthdays as a time of reflection

While birthdays in our society are expected to be a big moment of celebration, they can be a time of profound reflection for certain people, who might think about their past life or what the future holds, according to Alexis. 

As birthdays mark another year in life, it’s only natural to want to take stock of where we are in life. We might think about the goals we’ve set for ourselves or the relationships we’ve had throughout our lives and how that has impacted us. 

When reality doesn’t quite align with the expectations or plans we’ve set for ourselves, it can feel jarring and even disappointing. 

“Sometimes, birthdays can highlight what’s missing in our lives rather than what we can celebrate,” says Alexis. 

Natalie experienced this firsthand last year, when she felt that she wasn’t performing up to expectations career-wise. 

She explains: “If where I am in life doesn’t add up to how I think my life should be… it takes away from that celebratory mood.

“There’s no point celebrating or being happy for one day just to go back to feeling upset again.”

While there’s no specific age at which one might get the ‘birthday blues’, Natalie first experienced it around 18 years old, which is generally seen as the start of adulthood.

Alexis says that for most people, the ‘birthday blues’ might start around adolescence, after we come out of the period of being a child, when birthdays were generally made to feel like a special occasion for us by our families. 

As things change as we get older, she adds that it’s common for people to experience the ‘birthday blues’ more intensely around milestone ages like 30, 40, 50, and so on. 

“Turning a certain age can remind us of where we’re at in life, and that may or may not be an easy thing for people to grapple with,” she explains.

For Asyiqin, who stopped having big birthday celebrations the year she turned 27, approaching her 30s only reminds her of unfulfilled goals.

She says, “You start feeling like you’re not living life to the fullest, and every birthday moving forward is a constant reminder that you’re edging closer and closer to 30, but you’ve not done more than half the things you wanted to do in your 20s.”

As such, birthdays can bring up complex emotions like grief and regret as we reflect on our life and milestones. 

Confronting unmet expectations

The notion that birthdays are supposed to be the day you get showered with love and attention can also lead to unmet expectations.

You might stay up waiting for birthday wishes from friends and family to flood your inbox as midnight strikes, or look forward to dedication posts on social media. When this doesn’t happen, the disappointment can make us feel insignificant and exacerbate the ‘birthday blues’.

“Even when I planned on having a ‘lowkey birthday’, there’s still that inkling of hope that someone is going to surprise me or [make me] feel like I’m worthy enough of having more than just a mundane birthday,” says Asyiqin.

And while she knows that she doesn’t have others’ birthdays committed to memory, Asyiqin says that she can’t help but feel even more unimportant when people don’t remember to wish her. 

“I’m not the type to hold a grudge if people don’t wish me because I’m very aware that everyone has their own things to deal with,” she explains.

“But in that moment, you start being calculative that not as many people actually care that it’s your birthday, and you feel your insignificance even more.”

Alexis says that social media can also make expectations for our birthday skyrocket.

“When we see other people getting really spoiled on their birthday, having big parties or people making grand gestures, we can feel like we deserve that,” she explains.

“But maybe nobody’s paying attention or giving us the love that we really want to feel on that day.” 

And unfortunately, we don’t just compare our birthdays with other people’s. We may even compare them with past birthdays. 

When Asyiqin was younger, she’d receive around 15 Instagram stories dedicated to her on her birthday. But last year, she didn’t receive a single one. 

Although she knows that social media is not a true reflection of the support she has in real life, she was unable to resist overthinking the situation. 

As such, she now turns off social media on her birthday.

Keeping the ‘birthday blues’ away

Clearly, birthdays can be a complicated occasion. But fortunately, there are some things you can do to keep the ‘birthday blues’ away.

Firstly, Alexis suggests focusing on the things we are grateful for and the progress we have made, not just our unmet goals.

Next, it’s important to have an intentional plan for the day; birthdays don’t have to be this huge celebration if you don’t want them to. Take some time to figure out what feels authentic for you — is it spending the day alone or with certain people? Staying in with a good book or going out to a party?

For Natalie, doing something she likes or doesn’t normally do can help make her feel better. This includes going thrifting, painting while listening to music or wearing a nice outfit that makes her feel good about herself.

Asyiqin shares that she, too, gets dolled up and puts on her cutest clothes to go somewhere she really likes.

She also makes it a point to surround herself with loved ones to spend quality time with them, which helps prevent her from overthinking or overanalysing her birthday. 

Last but not least, manage expectations and remind yourself that if your birthday doesn’t quite go as planned, there are still 364 days in the year that you can enjoy and make special. 

After all, who says you can’t stretch your birthday into a birth-week or even a birth-month?