Are you friends with your colleagues?

Being friends with colleagues still entails professional boundaries

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“I think professional boundaries would still have to be maintained regardless of friendships. For example, I would not freely share details about my salary or any contractual information specific to me,” says Cleo. “I would also conduct myself in a professional manner when at work. If someone made a mistake at work, while I would help them solve the problem within the capacity of a teammate, I would not help them cover it up from our boss.”

Allie*, 32, business development manager, believes whether or not you can genuinely befriend colleagues and maintain a degree of professionalism would likely depend on your personality and how well you can compartmentalise. Part of the reason why she holds herself back from getting too chummy with colleagues is because she finds it hard to draw these distinct lines. “From past experience, I’ve learned that sometimes you need to make hard calls and give constructive criticism on someone else’s work. But if I’m on very friendly terms with that person and I know how sensitive they can be or how hard they worked on the project, it can cause me to hold back on my true opinions. This might not be the best for the project.”

You could see it as criticising a task for the greater good, rather than putting down a person, but it can also be a grey area and some people might take it personally. Friendships can be messy and unpredictable. Not everyone wants to deal with that on top of what is likely a high-pressure work environment.

Friendships at work can tide you through tough times

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Tough love and honesty is sometimes worth it, especially when there’s no one who can relate to your work life as well as your friends at work. What unites me and former colleagues in some ways is having overcome challenges together – the sort that no one else outside of work would be able to truly understand.

“Having previously worked in places where I've not been friends with my colleagues, I'd definitely say I much prefer being close to them. Having good camaraderie makes a huge difference, especially now that we're back in the office more often. It makes the work more enjoyable and gives you more reasons to enjoy coming into the office,” says Isla*, 30, creative content manager. “You spend 80 per cent of your time at work anyway, so you might as well get some work besties out of it!"

Creative director Mia*, 45, has found that while she didn’t consciously join a team expecting to befriend her colleagues, after working together for many years – under different superiors and through late nights – they grew close as friends within the team. “We realised we could learn from one another and shared many similarities,” she says. She admits however that now that she has joined a new department, she is wary of revealing too much of herself from the get-go and prefers to observe everyone else first. “Being too nice can sometimes lead to the potential risk of being taken for granted,” she adds, which is what makes her proceed with caution.

It reminded me of a comment a friend once made about how in a fast-paced environment, if you’re not firm and assertive enough or give the impression that you’re forgiving, that could lead others at work to not prioritise your needs and the urgency of your assignments.

But wouldn’t being pleasant to work with and possessing a strong work ethic encourage people to naturally want to work with you?

Every friendship is unique and so is the workplace friendship

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I think back to the best managers I’ve had – as level-headed and strong in decision-making as they were – it’s not necessarily about them having known the answers to everything all the time that made me respect them. But rather the friendly, open and supportive team culture they fostered. It was having the sense that they cared about my growth and well-being. They didn’t always come from a place of authority, but there was a sense of authenticity in our interactions; they would give a glimpse of their own personal dreams and struggles, which made me respect them more.

When it comes to superior-subordinate friendships especially, it can be tricky because, unlike friendships outside of work which stand on pretty equal ground, you know you two are on different levels of the workplace hierarchy. What if your boss is someone who calls for personal favours, like asking you to help them run an errand outside your job scope or accompany them to a non-work-related event that you’re not interested in?

It's important to set boundaries from the start to prevent situations like this from happening. And even so, you might have to pick your battles. If it's a small thing like attending an event with them so that they don't have to go alone, and you happen to be free, it might be worth considering accompanying them to preserve the friendship. Of course, these favours should be done in accordance with your capacity, and your friend shouldn't have the expectation that you would cancel plans for this. And if that starts to happen, you might have to have a conversation about it.

“I’d consider some of my ex-colleagues to be some of my closest friends – we've travelled together and I've met their families and significant others,” says Isla. “On the one hand, it's great to have friends who completely understand what you're going through at work; who doesn't want a work wife or husband who can empathise with the challenges of work life? But on the other hand, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to deal with the work side of things, especially if your friend also happens to be your manager.” Isla recalls how when she was younger, she had managers who guilt-tripped her into staying at a job longer than she had intended to, and she stayed because she was nervous her resignation might affect their friendship.

Learning from the experience, Isla entered a similar situation recently – only this time, she was more prepared to draw boundaries. “When a friend and former colleague became my manager, we had a chat to set boundaries between our personal and professional relationship. Not only did this help me – it helped give her the assurance that while I might have seen her let her hair down in the club, in the office, I still respect her as my superior,” she says.

Every friendship’s unique, and in a way so is the workplace friendship as you navigate the professional expectations and boundaries that come along with it. If I really find myself with a superior or subordinate who takes advantage of our “friendship” beyond my comfort or who is petty enough to penalise me for something I’m not willing to do outside my job scope, that sounds toxic. It might make me question whether this is a friendship or workplace that I want to invest my time and effort in. At the end of the day, what I value are meaningful relationships and being a reasonable, respectful person is a part of that.

With that, I’d say I’m team #friendswithcolleagues.

*Names have been changed.