Are you friends with your colleagues?
Studies have shown that a happy work life is linked to the friendships we make along the way. But can we genuinely say we have friends at work?
By Kimi T -
I was having dinner with friends when one – who’s in between jobs – said now that she’s leaving her previous workplace, she is cool with adding soon-to-be former colleagues on social media.
Wait, what?
That led to a poll around our table of five to see who regarded their colleagues as friends. Split three to two, the results were divided, with most in favour of saying “no”. To the three, this meant only connecting with colleagues on LinkedIn but not on Facebook, Instagram or TikTok.
Social media friendships are hardly the indicator of deep meaningful relationships but the reluctance signalled a few things, including a lack of willingness to connect on a personal level and reveal too much about one’s personal life. “I want to be known first and foremost for my good work, and sometimes giving too much insight into my personal life can cloud another’s judgement or unknowingly make an impression that I don’t want to,” said one friend.
This is notwithstanding that The Good Life: Lessons From The World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, by psychiatrist Robert Waldinger and psychologist Marc Schulz, which draws on more than 80 years of data, suggest that the connections people have at work are critical. In fact, the happiest man in the study never achieved his dream of becoming a writer but became a teacher due to family circumstances, and the relationships with his students and colleagues made him so happy that he turned down several promotions. A study by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Minnesota also found that close friendships increased workplace productivity, as friends are more committed, communicate better, and encourage each other.
Perhaps it had to do with what we prioritise at work, the industries we’re in, and company culture. I’ve found that in my past experiences as a magazine journalist, it’s precisely having a strong sense of camaraderie and being open to discussions with my colleagues that have enabled us to pitch and strengthen story ideas. (Not going to lie, sometimes it does feel like we’re mining our personal lives for stories.) I am also someone who values diversity of thought, whether when problem-solving or coming up with ideas. This requires vulnerability to a certain extent, but it does elevate the quality of our work and makes us feel closer as a team.
“I have been lucky to have many former colleagues who I consider to be my close friends, even ten years from our first meeting,” says Cleo*, 34, who has worked in the media industry for a decade. “I have had many lunch conversations with colleagues where we freely chatted about our dating app dilemmas, conflicts with parents, and our hopes and dreams for the future. I don't see these as an issue because they do not hinder our job performance – I would draw a line on anything that does!”
27-year-old Erin* who works in fintech says she wouldn’t hide the fact that she has a life outside of work, be it in conversations or on social media, because she thinks it should be considered a good thing. But she can imagine someone else feeling more self-conscious if they are slipping up at work and don’t want to make it apparent that they are prioritising other aspects of their lives.
“I think professional boundaries would still have to be maintained regardless of friendships. For example, I would not freely share details about my salary or any contractual information specific to me,” says Cleo. “I would also conduct myself in a professional manner when at work. If someone made a mistake at work, while I would help them solve the problem within the capacity of a teammate, I would not help them cover it up from our boss.”
Allie*, 32, business development manager, believes whether or not you can genuinely befriend colleagues and maintain a degree of professionalism would likely depend on your personality and how well you can compartmentalise. Part of the reason why she holds herself back from getting too chummy with colleagues is because she finds it hard to draw these distinct lines. “From past experience, I’ve learned that sometimes you need to make hard calls and give constructive criticism on someone else’s work. But if I’m on very friendly terms with that person and I know how sensitive they can be or how hard they worked on the project, it can cause me to hold back on my true opinions. This might not be the best for the project.”
You could see it as criticising a task for the greater good, rather than putting down a person, but it can also be a grey area and some people might take it personally. Friendships can be messy and unpredictable. Not everyone wants to deal with that on top of what is likely a high-pressure work environment.
Tough love and honesty is sometimes worth it, especially when there’s no one who can relate to your work life as well as your friends at work. What unites me and former colleagues in some ways is having overcome challenges together – the sort that no one else outside of work would be able to truly understand.
“Having previously worked in places where I've not been friends with my colleagues, I'd definitely say I much prefer being close to them. Having good camaraderie makes a huge difference, especially now that we're back in the office more often. It makes the work more enjoyable and gives you more reasons to enjoy coming into the office,” says Isla*, 30, creative content manager. “You spend 80 per cent of your time at work anyway, so you might as well get some work besties out of it!"
Creative director Mia*, 45, has found that while she didn’t consciously join a team expecting to befriend her colleagues, after working together for many years – under different superiors and through late nights – they grew close as friends within the team. “We realised we could learn from one another and shared many similarities,” she says. She admits however that now that she has joined a new department, she is wary of revealing too much of herself from the get-go and prefers to observe everyone else first. “Being too nice can sometimes lead to the potential risk of being taken for granted,” she adds, which is what makes her proceed with caution.
It reminded me of a comment a friend once made about how in a fast-paced environment, if you’re not firm and assertive enough or give the impression that you’re forgiving, that could lead others at work to not prioritise your needs and the urgency of your assignments.
But wouldn’t being pleasant to work with and possessing a strong work ethic encourage people to naturally want to work with you?
I think back to the best managers I’ve had – as level-headed and strong in decision-making as they were – it’s not necessarily about them having known the answers to everything all the time that made me respect them. But rather the friendly, open and supportive team culture they fostered. It was having the sense that they cared about my growth and well-being. They didn’t always come from a place of authority, but there was a sense of authenticity in our interactions; they would give a glimpse of their own personal dreams and struggles, which made me respect them more.
When it comes to superior-subordinate friendships especially, it can be tricky because, unlike friendships outside of work which stand on pretty equal ground, you know you two are on different levels of the workplace hierarchy. What if your boss is someone who calls for personal favours, like asking you to help them run an errand outside your job scope or accompany them to a non-work-related event that you’re not interested in?
It's important to set boundaries from the start to prevent situations like this from happening. And even so, you might have to pick your battles. If it's a small thing like attending an event with them so that they don't have to go alone, and you happen to be free, it might be worth considering accompanying them to preserve the friendship. Of course, these favours should be done in accordance with your capacity, and your friend shouldn't have the expectation that you would cancel plans for this. And if that starts to happen, you might have to have a conversation about it.
“I’d consider some of my ex-colleagues to be some of my closest friends – we've travelled together and I've met their families and significant others,” says Isla. “On the one hand, it's great to have friends who completely understand what you're going through at work; who doesn't want a work wife or husband who can empathise with the challenges of work life? But on the other hand, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to deal with the work side of things, especially if your friend also happens to be your manager.” Isla recalls how when she was younger, she had managers who guilt-tripped her into staying at a job longer than she had intended to, and she stayed because she was nervous her resignation might affect their friendship.
Learning from the experience, Isla entered a similar situation recently – only this time, she was more prepared to draw boundaries. “When a friend and former colleague became my manager, we had a chat to set boundaries between our personal and professional relationship. Not only did this help me – it helped give her the assurance that while I might have seen her let her hair down in the club, in the office, I still respect her as my superior,” she says.
Every friendship’s unique, and in a way so is the workplace friendship as you navigate the professional expectations and boundaries that come along with it. If I really find myself with a superior or subordinate who takes advantage of our “friendship” beyond my comfort or who is petty enough to penalise me for something I’m not willing to do outside my job scope, that sounds toxic. It might make me question whether this is a friendship or workplace that I want to invest my time and effort in. At the end of the day, what I value are meaningful relationships and being a reasonable, respectful person is a part of that.
With that, I’d say I’m team #friendswithcolleagues.
*Names have been changed.