Women aren't asking for perfection, but emotional maturity is becoming non-negotiable

Not too long ago, “emotionally unavailable” was just another dating buzzword. Today, conversations around emotional maturity, emotional labour and healthy boundaries have become part of everyday relationship discourse, thanks in part to social media and therapy culture.

As more women become vocal about what they want from a partner, some have questioned whether expectations have become too high. Are women becoming less tolerant of emotionally immature behaviour, or are they simply no longer willing to settle for relationship patterns that previous generations accepted?

According to clinical psychologist Dr Annabelle Chow, it may be less about women becoming “intolerant” and more about changing relationship expectations.

“I would be careful about saying that women are becoming less tolerant, as this can make healthy boundaries sound like impatience,” she says.

“A more balanced interpretation is that many women are becoming less willing to accept relationship patterns that previous generations may have normalised.”

She points to factors such as changing gender roles, greater financial independence and increased awareness of emotional wellbeing as reasons why many people now expect stronger communication, accountability and mutual support from their partners.

She is also quick to point out that emotional immaturity is not exclusive to men.

Emotional maturity isn’t about never getting it wrong

When asked what emotional maturity actually looks like, Dr Chow says it has little to do with always staying calm or never making mistakes.

Instead, it’s about recognising your emotions, taking responsibility for your actions and communicating without blaming, punishing or intentionally hurting your partner.

“A common misconception is that emotional maturity means never feeling angry or upset, or that it comes automatically with age,” she explains.

Healthy couples, she adds, will still disagree. The difference lies in how they manage conflict, apologise when necessary and repair the relationship afterwards.

Women say they’re no longer willing to settle

For Kiara, who has been with her partner for three years, emotional maturity was something they had to work towards together.

“When we first started encountering problems in our relationship, he would avoid having the hard talks with me,” she says. “He would either joke about it when I brought them up or tell me I was overthinking things.”

It wasn’t until she ended the relationship that things changed.

“I told him the only way I would take him back was if things changed. It took him a couple of weeks, but he did come around.”

While difficult conversations still don’t come naturally to him, she says he’s made a genuine effort to improve.

For Ai Ling, however, walking away was the right decision. Single for the past five years, she says she’d like a partner but refuses to settle.

“I’m happy the way I am now. I don’t have to deal with partners I have to nag, babysit or mother.”

Looking back on her previous relationship, she realised arguments often ended with her apologising, even when she wasn’t at fault.

“It took me two years to realise what was happening. The moment I did, I left.” She says she’s still dating, but has yet to meet someone she considers emotionally mature enough.

Neeta, who is also dating, believes women aren’t asking for perfection.

“I don’t think women’s standards are set that high, to be honest,” she says. “It’s the small things that make the person and, subsequently, the relationship.”

For her, that means being reliable, treating others with kindness and being willing to communicate.

“If guys can do that with their friends, why can’t they do that with us as partners?”

Healthy standards or unrealistic expectations?

Social media has undoubtedly made conversations around emotional intelligence more mainstream. While Dr Chow believes this has helped people better understand concepts like boundaries and accountability, she also warns that online advice can sometimes oversimplify relationships.

“Complex behaviours may be quickly labelled as ‘toxic’, ‘narcissistic’ or a ‘red flag’ without considering the wider context,” she says.

She adds that healthy standards are built on respect, honesty and accountability, not expecting a partner to read minds, heal past trauma or always know the perfect thing to say.

“A useful question is: ‘Am I looking for respect, willingness and progress, or perfection and control over another person’s emotions?’”

After all, emotional maturity isn’t about finding someone who never gets it wrong. It’s about finding someone who is willing to listen, learn and grow alongside you.