Ask the expert: What is narcissism and am I a narcissist?

Narcissism, or the all-too-human desire to see ourselves as special or worthy of recognition (“Hi… it’s me… I’m not like the others….it’s me…”), is a personality trait that everybody has to some degree. Dr Lim mentions that while we all “need to maintain our sense of self-worth”, narcissism does not wear the same face on everyone. 

On one end of the spectrum, we rely on it to regulate our emotions and identity, while on the other, it can present as narcissistic personality disorder, or N.P.D. But somewhere between the therapy-speak of pop psychology and people wanting the final word for a bad date, boss, or ex who was the worst, the term has lost some of its edge today.

“We stop asking what is driving the behaviour, whether it is insecurity, stress, trauma, or relational dynamics, and instead reduce the person to a single label,” Dr Li adds to this satisfying way to end a conversation, but not a very illuminating one. Here, he explains what narcissism actually is and what it is not.

Not every difficult person is a narcissist

People usually equate narcissism with simply being selfish, difficult, or inconsiderate. Clinically, narcissism is not just about behaviour. It is about how a person regulates their sense of self-worth. Not everyone who is hurtful or frustrating has a narcissistic personality structure.

Therapy-speak, stripped for parts

Social media has played a significant role in increasing awareness of psychological concepts, including narcissism. However, the way these ideas are presented has also led to a great deal of oversimplification.

One of the main issues is the rise of listicles and short-form content, such as “10 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist” or “red flags you should never ignore”. The problem is that many of these behaviours are not specific to narcissism. Being self-focused, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable can occur in a wide range of situations, including stress, depression, trauma, or simply poor communication skills. When presented in a list, these behaviours can feel definitive, leading people to overidentify and draw conclusions prematurely.

The label, thus, usually comes first

Another issue is the lack of context. Personality patterns are shaped over time and need to be understood across different situations and relationships.

Over time, this can shift how people think about relationships. Instead of asking what is happening between two people or what factors may be contributing to the behaviour, there is a tendency to assign a label quickly. While this may feel validating in the moment, it can limit deeper understanding and more constructive ways of responding.

Narcissism can speak softly, too

Narcissism does not always present as overt confidence or arrogance. While some individuals appear dominant, entitled, or attention seeking, others may present in more subtle or “covert” ways. These individuals can be highly sensitive to criticism, prone to withdrawal, or struggle with a fragile sense of self. They may appear insecure rather than self-important.

Ironically, in some cases, the outward display of confidence, achievement, or even superiority can function as a way to defend against underlying feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. This is why narcissism can be difficult to recognise. The same underlying issue, a fragile or unstable sense of self, can present either as obvious grandiosity or as quiet vulnerability.

Sometimes self-protection is healthy

A healthy degree of narcissism is not only normal, but it is essential. We are, first and foremost, aware of ourselves, and this naturally gives rise to a sense of self, or ego. Narcissism, in this context, can be understood as part of how we maintain and protect that sense of self.

In a healthy form, it allows us to feel confident, take pride in our achievements, and assert our needs and boundaries. It also serves a protective function. A stable sense of self helps us withstand criticism, recover from setbacks, and maintain psychological balance.

Without this, individuals may struggle with low self-esteem, excessive self-doubt, or an over-reliance on others for validation. The issue is not narcissism itself, but when it becomes fragile, rigid, or overly dependent on external validation. At that point, it can begin to interfere with relationships and functioning.

What looks narcissistic may be something else

Many behaviours that people experience as hurtful or frustrating can look like narcissism on the surface, but may arise from very different underlying issues. For example, a person who constantly seeks reassurance, becomes defensive when criticised, or talks excessively about themselves may not be grandiose, but rather trying to stabilise a fragile sense of self.

Trauma and attachment difficulties can also shape behaviour. Someone who has experienced inconsistency or hurt in relationships may become guarded, controlling, or emotionally distant. This can be perceived as a lack of empathy, when it is sometimes a protective response. Depression and burnout are often overlooked. 

When a person is mentally exhausted or low in mood, they may withdraw, become less responsive, or appear self-absorbed simply because their capacity to engage with others is reduced.

Not caring and not coping are not the same

In addition, immaturity or limited interpersonal skills can lead to behaviour that feels inconsiderate. This is particularly relevant in younger individuals who may not yet have developed the ability to take another person’s perspective consistently.

Even neurodevelopmental conditions such as ADHD can be misunderstood. Difficulties with attention, forgetfulness, or being easily distracted may be interpreted as not caring, when they are in fact related to how the brain processes information and maintains focus.

The key point is that while these behaviours can feel similar to narcissism from the outside, the underlying motivations and mechanisms are often very different. Understanding this distinction is important because it changes how we respond, whether with clearer boundaries or better communication. 

Narcissism is always clearer from a distance

People tend to interpret their own behaviour in context, but view others’ behaviour as a reflection of personality. For example, we might explain our own reactions as being due to stress or circumstances, while seeing the same behaviour in others as a fixed trait.

There is also the issue of insight. Recognising one’s own patterns requires a capacity for self-reflection, and this is not always easy, especially when it involves uncomfortable truths about how we relate to others.

In narcissism, this becomes even more pronounced. Individuals with more entrenched narcissistic traits often have a reduced ability to see their own behaviour as problematic. Their sense of self is organised in a way that protects against feelings of inadequacy or shame, so acknowledging fault can feel threatening. 

Narcissism versus Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic traits are common and exist on a spectrum. Most people, at times, want recognition, feel sensitive to criticism, or focus on themselves under stress.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different. It involves a persistent and inflexible pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and difficulty with empathy, leading to significant impairment in relationships or functioning. This distinction matters because labelling someone too quickly can oversimplify complex behaviour and lead to misunderstanding or unnecessary stigma.

The two big myths of narcissism

The biggest myth surrounding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is that narcissists are fundamentally in love with themselves, often portrayed as having extreme self-confidence or high self-esteem. In reality, experts describe individuals with NPD as having a fragile, defensive facade designed to shield them from deep-seated insecurity, shame, and a sense of inferiority.

Another common myth is that narcissism is caused solely by poor parenting, whether through too much or too little praise. In reality, it develops from a complex interplay of factors, including temperament, attachment experiences, early environment, and life stressors. There is rarely a single cause. 

Start with the pattern, not the label

A more useful approach to handling narcissism is to focus on patterns and impact. How do I feel in this relationship? Are my boundaries respected? Is there accountability or repeated defensiveness? Is this dynamic sustainable for me? These questions shift the focus from labelling the person to understanding the relationship.

Dr Lim Boon Leng is a private psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness, and he specialises in Psychiatry and treats youth, adults, and the elderly. He has special interests in depression and other mood and anxiety disorders, as well as ADHD in children, adult ADHD and youth psychiatry. Dr Lim is also the co-author of Handbook of Common Mental Illnesses in Singapore, a layman’s guide to mental illnesses.