Valentine’s Day self-care guide: How to choose the right sex toy for you

The venerable RuPaul once said, “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love somebody else?” 

It’s advice worth taking to heart – especially on Valentine’s Day. This year, we’re turning that mantra inward with a practical, judgement-free guide to choosing the right sex toy for yourself.

Here, Meryl Lim, co-founder of sexual wellness company Hedonist Tribe, shares her expert tips on how to get started.

Start with the big question: Internal or external?

If you’re choosing your first toy, it really comes down to one simple question: do you want stimulation on the outside, the inside – or both?

For many beginners, especially if you’ve never had penetrative sex, external stimulation feels like the easiest place to start. Small, discreet toys designed for the clitoris are often less intimidating and let you explore without worrying about insertion. They’re simple, effective, and a great way to get to know what you enjoy.

If you’re curious about internal stimulation, the golden rule is: start smaller than you think you need. Look for something with a gentle upward curve – that shape is designed to reach the G-spot, which sits about two to three inches inside along the upper vaginal wall. 

Keeping it small and ergonomic makes the whole experience feel far less overwhelming.

Not sure what you like? Go versatile.

If you genuinely have no idea whether you prefer internal or external stimulation, don’t stress. That’s completely normal.

A versatile toy can be a great starting point. For example, the Dolce Vita – a popular dual-function toy – has an internal thrusting side and an external suction side. You can use each separately or together, depending on what feels good. It takes the pressure off having to “choose correctly” the first time.

Material isn’t optional – it’s crucial

It’s tempting to grab the cheapest option online, but with sex toys, material matters far more than price.

Many lower-cost toys are made from porous materials. That means they contain tiny holes that can absorb lubricants and bodily fluids. Even after washing, bacteria can linger inside those pores, which increases your risk of infection over time.

Common porous materials include TPE, jelly, rubber and latex. They might feel soft, but they’re harder to clean thoroughly.

Medical-grade silicone, on the other hand, is non-porous. It doesn’t absorb fluids and is much safer for repeated use. And whatever you buy, clean it every single time after use. Leaving a toy unwashed for days is one of the most common – and preventable – mistakes.

Bringing a toy into a relationship (without making it weird)

If you want to introduce a toy to a partner, the trick is all in the framing.

Position it as something that adds fun and variety – not something that fixes a problem. When it feels like shared exploration rather than criticism, the conversation becomes collaborative instead of awkward.

Timing helps too. Bring it up during a relaxed moment – maybe on a date or while chatting casually – rather than immediately after sex. You can even reference an article, podcast or social media post to ease into the topic. It makes it feel like curiosity, not a sudden proposal.

Underrated feature: warming

One feature people often overlook? Heat.

While vibration and suction get all the attention, warming functions can dramatically enhance sensation. Gentle heat increases blood flow to sensitive areas, which can support arousal and make everything feel more intense and natural.

Some toys offer targeted warming for the clitoral area. There are also male toys with internal warming features that mimic body heat. In general, warmth tends to amplify sensitivity and can intensify the overall experience.

App-controlled toys: Not just a gimmick anymore

I’ll admit – when app-controlled toys first came out, I wasn’t impressed. The connectivity was unreliable, and constant disconnections killed the mood.

But the technology has improved a lot. Brands like Lovense now offer much smoother app integration. Long-distance play is a major highlight – partners can control each other’s toys from anywhere in the world, and some devices even sync so both respond at the same frequency.

There are playful extras too: syncing vibrations to music or shows, interactive games, even AI-powered chat features. Compared to the early versions, today’s app-controlled toys feel genuinely sophisticated and actually fun.

A reminder: Every body is different

One tiny toy with a stroking function surprised a lot of people. Even though it was small, the Ziggy targeted the typical G-spot depth – around two to three inches inside – very effectively for some users.

Jacqueline, our co-founder, tried it and exclaimed, “My soul left my body.”

I tried the exact same toy and felt almost nothing. And that’s the point.

Sensitivity, anatomy and pleasure vary from person to person. What feels incredible for one body may do very little for another – and that’s completely normal. Exploring is about discovering what works for you, not replicating someone else’s experience.

PHOTOGRAPHY Athirah Annissa
ART DIRECTION Ray Ticsay
HAIR & MAKEUP Benedict Choo
COORDINATION Chelsia Tan