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I wasn’t very sexually experienced when I started dating Nick*. I’d only been intimate with two boyfriends and the sex was nothing to write home about. The only sex position I’d tried with my exes was the missionary, and I didn’t really know what counted as great sex or how to please a man in bed. Nick, on the other hand, had his share of lovers. He knew that I was shy when it came to expressing myself sexually, but he reassured me that he’d be patient with me.

After I married Nick, I was determined to make our sex life amazing. I’d heard of couples’ sex lives going down the drain after marriage and the last thing I wanted was for my sex life to get boring or uninteresting, or worse, for Nick or me to not feel sexually fulfilled.

I also had friends whose spouses had extra-marital affairs because their sex lives had gotten stale, and I was adamant that that would not happen to us.

A whole new world

I committed to learning everything I could about how to have a satisfying sex life and making my husband happy in bed. But first, I had to open my mind and find a way to get over my shyness. I grew up in a religious family; sex was never discussed and if my elders did tell us anything about sex, it was always with a tone of disgust or shame.

It took about two months before I felt fully comfortable exploring my body and discussing my sexual fantasies with Nick. Up till that point, whenever he asked me what my fantasies were, I’d turn red and giggle. But I decided that if we were going to strengthen our sexual connection, I’d have to be able to talk about our fantasies without laughing.  

Nick and I also signed up for sex education workshops. Taught by well-known sex therapists, these workshops taught us how to discover our sexuality and improve our sexual connection with our partner. Nick and I learnt how to stimulate each other’s erogenous zones, turn each other on using ‘dirty talk’, give each other sensual massages, and more. 

We also ordered lingerie and sex toys like vibrators to experiment with. It took a while for me to learn how to use the toys; the more familiar I got with them, the more I enjoyed them.

But what really sent my confidence skyrocketing were striptease and pole-dancing lessons. As prudish as I’d been when I was younger, I used to admire women who could express their sexual side through dance. My classes were fun and we had instructors who helped to bring out our inner seductresses. I’d never felt sexier or more vibrant than during those classes. I got to discover and unleash a part of myself that I didn’t even know existed. At home, I’d show off my dance moves to Nick, who saw me evolve from someone who used to insist on having sex in the dark to someone who was proud of what she could do with her body. 

My newfound sexual confidence led to a happier marriage 

At the end of my year-long journey, I learnt a great deal about male and female sexuality. I also learnt how to shed my inhibitions and fully embrace my femininity. I learnt to accept sexual urges as normal and not suppress my desires.

Most importantly, I learnt that sex should be mindless, playful and fun. Before I embarked on this journey of sexual discovery, I used to believe that sex was a serious act. It is serious in a way, but sometimes people take themselves too seriously when they’re being intimate with their partner. We’re told that sex has to go a certain way. We don’t laugh when something unexpected happens while we’re making love, and we try so hard to avoid doing or saying the wrong thing in bed that we end up not having fun at all.

I had to throw all my old ideas and notions about sex and sexuality out the window and educate myself from scratch – it was no easy task, but I was so keen to overhaul my outlook on sex that I stuck to my plan and continued to keep an open mind.

Needless to say, my marriage benefited tremendously from this awakening. Our sex life thrived. Nick and I learnt how to connect with each other and really appreciate each other’s bodies. Nick recently told me that I was his ‘fantasy woman’ – someone who wasn’t afraid to initiate sex, who liked variety and who knew what she wanted. We still experiment a lot in bed and our sex sessions are always passionate, energetic and fun.

Ultimately, this journey opened my eyes to the fact that being a good lover isn’t about having the perfect figure or having had countless lovers. It’s about owning your sexuality, understanding your body and being open to discovering what makes your partner tick. It’s about loving everything that makes you, you, and wanting to share this authentic self with your significant other.

*Names have been changed.