“When I met Andy* I knew that he was already engaged to someone else, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love with him. Andy was handsome, smart, funny and gentlemanly. He had it all and I was hell-bent on being a part of his life – and making him a part of mine. Because my company worked quite closely with his, we got to see each other quite frequently, and after just one month of working together, we began a sexual relationship.
A forbidden affair
Dating an engaged man went against all the values I’d been raised with, but I couldn’t stay away from Andy. We had the most amazing conversations and the sex was intense and passionate.
His fiancée, Jen*, travelled a lot for work, so whenever she was away, Andy would stay over at my place or we would book a hotel room. I cherished all those nights we were able to spend together.
But Andy made it clear to me that he would never break off his engagement with Jen. They’d already bought a flat and their families were close, and Andy told me that he couldn’t see a future without her.
I didn’t tell my friends and family about my relationship with Andy because I knew they would not approve. This period was actually the loneliest I’d ever been in my life – I couldn’t talk about Andy with the people I loved the most and I couldn’t be with Andy in the way I wanted.
I spent many nights crying, wishing for this man to tell me that he loved and wanted only me. I hated the fact that I was in love with him and that he was emotionally unavailable, but what disgusted me even more was that he seemed not to take our relationship – if you could call it that – seriously.
For the two months that Andy and I were involved with each other, I prayed that something would happen to make him break off his engagement to Jen and make me his girlfriend, but nothing ever did.
Then, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
Decisions to make
It was cruel, crazy and manipulative of me, but I stopped taking my birth control pills. I was hoping that I would get pregnant with Andy’s baby.
My plan worked. Within six months, I learnt that I was going to be a mum.
Andy turned pale when I revealed the pregnancy to him. He blamed me for being irresponsible and urged me to have an abortion, but I refused. ‘I’m keeping this baby whether you like it or not,’ I told him. ‘And I expect you to support him or her financially, since you’re definitely the dad’.
That left him speechless. Andy knew that he was the only man I’d been sleeping with so he didn’t challenge my assertion that he was, indeed, the father. I also told him that he had to come clean with Jen and his parents about my pregnancy.
Andy was mere weeks away from tying the knot with Jen. He was in a tough spot: If he didn’t tell his fiancée and family the truth, then I would. He also knew that if he told them about the pregnancy, Jen would leave him.
Andy accused me of entrapping him, but what made me especially angry was when he said he never loved me and that he didn’t want to keep seeing me. ‘If I can’t be with Jen, I don’t want to be with anyone else,’ he told me. I was crushed; here was the man I loved telling me he had no room in his heart for me.
It took awhile for me to get over the sting of what Andy said, but in the end I had to accept that I was never going to have a future with Andy.
Still, that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to have his child. If Andy didn’t want to help me raise it, I told myself I would do it on my own.
The truth comes out
Andy eventually came clean to Jen about his months-long affair with me, as well as his impending fatherhood. As expected, Jen called off the wedding and broke up off with Andy – she wasn’t going to be made a fool of.
I didn’t hear from Andy for a few weeks after Jen dumped him. According to a colleague who knew about our affair, Andy went away to Bali to get over the end of his engagement and come to grips with the fact that he was about to be a father. This colleague told me that Andy was extremely depressed and wasn’t sure what to do next, because he still loved Jen and regretted ever getting involved with me.
When I was ready to give birth, Andy contacted me to say that he wanted nothing more to do with me, but that he would help me out financially and make sure that our baby had a good education and future. He added that he didn’t want to meet the child and made me promise not to tell her about him until she was old enough to understand the circumstances under which she was conceived. I agreed.
It’s been over a year since I had my daughter. I love her so much that the feeling sometimes overwhelms me.
But when I think about my affair with Andy, I am filled with regret: I made some bad choices, stayed with him longer than I should have, and fell pregnant on purpose. It makes me feel sad and helpless. But, when I look at my child, the negative emotions disappear and my heart is filled with a love that I know no one will ever take away from me.”
*Names have been changed