From The Straits Times    |
marry-man-five-years-to-live-true-story

“When I met Joshua* at a fundraising event, I knew right away that I wanted to be with him. Just in those first 20 minutes of talking to him, I could see what a caring, compassionate and thoughtful man he was. He obviously felt the same way about me, too, because he invited me out for coffee the next day. 

I couldn’t wait to meet Joshua again. He was attractive, seemed intelligent and had a heart of gold. I could sense a special connection between us. 

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Credit: 123rf

During our coffee date, we got to know each other a little better. We talked about his work as a school counsellor, my job as a teacher, our families and our hobbies. I was thrilled to have met someone with a similar background to mine and who shared so many things in common with me. We met up twice more after that. After the third date I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. 

But then the next day, Joshua opened up to me about his cancer diagnosis and my world came crashing down. 

He had been struggling to find the words to tell me that he had terminal cancer. He told me he liked me but that he didn’t want to get my hopes up about a future together. Although he was undergoing treatment his doctors told him that he only had five years left to live. He said that the news initially plunged him into a depression, but now, six months after the diagnosis, he had decided to make the rest of his life count. He was falling in love with me but wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with a man who couldn’t grow old with me. 

The news was hard to take. For the next few days I thought really hard about whether or not I wanted to continue seeing Joshua. Just the idea of losing him and having to eventually say goodbye to him, and perhaps even bury him, was too much to handle. 

On the other hand, I knew that walking away from him would destroy me, too. I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying or spending the rest of his life alone. I told myself that I could stay with him for the rest of his days, help him live a full and happy life for the next five years and love him until the end. 

Joshua was happy when I told him about my decision to stay with him, and we agreed to get married. We simply had no time to waste! My family supported my decision; the only thing they feared was how I would look after Joshua in his last days. 

Credit: 123rf

We had a small and simple wedding ceremony a few months later. Before getting married, I learnt as much as I could about Joshua’s condition and spoke to his doctors about the kind of care he would need over the next few years. Joshua and I also listed out all the things we wanted to do together, while he was still able to live normally. I accompanied him to his chemotherapy treatments, took care of him whenever he felt sick or weak, gave him his medication, and comforted him when he was depressed. It was emotionally draining at times but I was already committed. 

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Joshua and I have been married just over a year now. Life hasn’t changed much since we started dating and Joshua seems to be doing fine physically. We don’t know when he will start to deteriorate but we’re prepared for when he becomes too weak to go about his daily life and needs more extensive medical care. Then again, just because he was told he only has five years to live doesn’t mean he has five years. That’s not so much a prediction as it is a benchmark that doctors use. We know many instances where sufferers of the type of cancer Joshua has lived many years beyond the five-year survival estimate. 

We try to maintain a positive outlook right now. We can spend the rest of Joshua’s days being depressed and feeling fearful about the future, or we can continue being hopeful and happy, seizing every opportunity that comes our way and creating new opportunities for ourselves. 

Some of my friends think I’m crazy for agreeing to marry a dying man, but when you love someone the way I love Joshua, you learn to see beyond the fact that they are sick. I’ve even had a few people ask me if looking after Joshua is a burden and I always tell them no. How is taking care of somebody you love a chore? As a wife, it’s my duty to look after my husband. At some point he may not be able to do much for me physically anymore, but that’s okay with me. He’s a wonderful partner now and that’s all that matters. When we got married we agreed to support each other in sickness and in health, and that’s what we’re doing now. I can’t imagine being without Joshua so I treasure the special moments we share. He’s definitely enriched my life, taught me what it means to love another person and shown me that love can be found even in the bleakest times.”

*Name has been changed upon request.

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