Singletons may idealise married sex: They tend to imagine it as “impassioned and emotionally-charged love from start to finish.” Many Singaporean married couples would probably snort at the idea and consider it unrealistic to “have mind-blowing sex all the time.”
Singaporean wives may love their husbands dearly, and vice versa, but at some stage in their marriage, their emotional closeness may have given way to apathy, disenchantment and resignation.
Marriage sex doesn’t have to be dull and repetitive; maintain an emotional connection for an impassioned time between the sheets. Image: Corbis
Is married sex really doomed? It doesn’t have to be, when you and your spouse maintain an emotional connection. Singaporean psychologist Daniel Koh explains that “when a couple has emotional connectedness, sex does not become an emotionless routine.”
When it comes to having fulfilling soulmate sex, you first have to enter an “emotional zone”. Getting there involves shutting the rest of the world out, staying completely in the moment and focusing entirely on the person you’re with.
We ask Daniel and relationship coach Leo Hee Khian for the following expert tips on how you and Hubby can work on your emotional closeness and keep that spark going.
KEEPING THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
1. REMEMBER WHY YOU GOT MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE
Think about what attracted you to each other, and remind yourselves that having and loving each other is a precious gift. “If there is no sense of belonging as a couple,” says Daniel, “then what you have is meaningless.”
2. MAKE IT A DAILY HABIT – YOU WILL FEEL MUCH CLOSER TO YOUR PARTNER
Show appreciation for each other every day. Your husband’s way of expressing his love may be to drive you to work. Yours might be to buy him something special every now and then. Thanking each other for these love gestures will make you want to keep doing nice things for each other, thereby reinforcing your emotional bond.
3. KEEP ANY NEGATIVE DAILY EMOTIONS TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE IN CHECK
“Anger, resentment, jealousy, disappointment and regret are sex busters,” Daniel explains. “Such emotions make you feel distant from your partner.”
4. YOUR MARRIAGE SHOULD COME BEFORE ANY INDIVIDUAL GOALS
For example, try not to take calls from work if you’re on a date with your spouse. Reserve that precious time strictly for each other. This shows that you respect your spouse and care about making him feel important.
5. SUPPORT EACH OTHER
The couples who are closest to each other tend to share common goals, values, expectations and lifestyles, Daniel says. They are also supportive of each other, so there is seldom resentment. They know how to communicate openly and honestly, without judgement or criticism. These couples also understand each other’s needs; they know how to compromise and do not force their ideas or values on each other.
GETTING INTO THE EMOTIONAL ZONE DURING SEX
- Remove unrealistic, inappropriate, unimportant or distracting elements. These include anxieties and expectations, or thoughts about work, money or the kids, says Daniel. Find a way to switch off – a relaxing bath, deep breathing or meditation. Be in the right frame of mind for sex. Feel positive about it, and look forward to enjoying it.
- Being “all there” is key. While you may know what turns each other on in bed, do you really pay attention to your spouse’s facial expressions and body language every time? Says Daniel: “When you touch each other, look for cues, and do it with love and tenderness. Be sure to send the message that you want each other.”
- Sex is not a race, or all about climaxing. Sex in a marriage is the icing on the cake, says Hee Khian. “The cake itself is the fulfilment and intimacy that comes from being emotionally connected to your spouse. This emotional connectedness opens the door to deeper physical intimacy.”
The emotional zone is about giving everything you have to the person you’re with, and being completely emotionally involved. “All great relationships start with vulnerability,” says Hee Khian. “It’s about being honest and open with each other, and about not being afraid to reveal your weaknesses and fears.”
Being able to let go is a sign of true intimacy. “When there is true intimacy between you and your spouse, you will notice the passion in the way you look at each other, in the words you say to each other, and in your touch,” continues Hee Khian. “Sex can be really electrifying when the couple is connected this way – as one.”
Daniel Koh is a psychologist at Insights Mind Centre, a private practice offering psychological services, therapeutic interventions and counselling. The centre is located at 20 Maxwell Road, #07-18e Maxwell House, S069113, Tel: 9363 5815; opening hours 9am to 5pm on Mondays to Fridays and 9am to 12 noon or Saturdays. For further enquiries, email insightsMC@gmail.com or go to www.insightsmindcentre.com.sg.
Leo Hee Khian, director of Wonderfully Made, a relationship coaching, parenting training and youth counselling company. Go to the consultancy’s website or email roxanne@wonderfullymade.com.sg / leo@wonderfullymade.com.sg for more information on the counselling services and programmes offered by Wonderfully Made.
This article was originally published in SimplyHer June 2011.
