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I’m almost 30, and into my fourth year of singlehood. I’m at the stage in my life where my friends tell me reassuring platitudes like “just be patient”, “there are so many great things about being single” and, the most annoying of all, “just go out there and find him!” (Please. It’s not Pokemon Go.)
Here’s my status quo: I’m in no rush to find a partner. I do find a lot of happiness in pursuing my hobbies, spending time with my friends, and snagging a boyfriend isn’t a top priority. That being said, there are moments where I wish I had someone. Namely, when my laptop has frozen and I don’t know what to do, special occasions like Valentine’s Day or long weekends, or when I’m alone in my bed with my multiple stuffed animals. #datsinglelyfe.
My lack of a plus one is not for a lack of trying. I’ve road tested every suggestion that has come my way, but this bounty hunter is still empty handed. Still, I learnt a couple of interesting things along the way.
The dating apps
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This is the most obvious and commonly used option. Technically, it should work. There’s a whole cyber world of men out there! Surely there has to be at least one who tickles my pickle? But as anyone who has swiped left will know, it’s also an abyss of men who want hook ups, men who are covertly spoken for, or, dare I say it, people who are just plain desperate.
I’ve met with men who have discreetly altered their profile picture (yes, even men push in their pictures to look slimmer), men who texted me daily for two months before ghosting (ouch), and men who spent six hours with me on a first date and I never heard from them again (double ouch – you can read more gory details here).
It’s a bit bleak, but my matches are slim pickings. The few who do initiate conversations aren’t stimulating. Case in point: there’s a picture of me dressed as a mermaid on my profile pictures, and hardly anyone asks me about it. Call it bad luck, or poor curation of my profile pictures (maybe men aren’t into fish), or not diligently swiping enough – apps are a barren wasteland for me.
The one good thing? I’ve managed to get a couple of good friends from my Tinder nightmares. They made terrible potential boyfriends (commitment phobes to a fault), and after giving dating a go we figured that it would be better to keep things PG.
The matchmaker
via GIPHY
I’ve also become that person where well-meaning friends eagerly try to set me up with Mr He’s-Such-A-Good-Guy. Perhaps it doesn’t help my friends that I don’t have a type – if you lined up all the men I’ve been into, it’s a mixed bag. The result: my friends throw any decent guy my way, hoping that their offering will somehow check the boxes.
There have been awkward double dates with my friends (the poor man struggled to make conversation with our mutual friend looking at him pointedly), and dinner dates where I’m discreetly looking at my watch so I can make an escape after paying my dues for an hour.
The best attempt of setting me up was done by my colleague, who really took the time to plan our meet up. Over a month, she dropped hints about me to the man in question (let’s call him J), even enlisting her friend to similarly bring me up in conversations. She introduced me in passing when he stopped by our office to drop something off, and a couple of weeks later, finally gave him my number. If that’s not effort, I don’t know what is.
J was the only one of my friends’ guinea pigs where I felt like we had a genuine connection and I wanted to see him again. While nothing romantic has transpired (yet), we occasionally text and hang out.
PSA: If you ever want to play matchmaker, don’t just throw two friends together. I’m sure the man in question is a great guy and a good friend, but chemistry relies on more than just good nature.
The common friends group
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The romantic in me loves stories where old friends discover each other is The One. It’s an “I didn’t realise what I was looking for was right in front of me” feel good moment, which happens enough times in real life to give me hope. But alas, thwarted once again.
I have two groups of close male friends, one of which is off limits because they’re pals with my ex. The other group consists of friends from my school days – that’s a decade’s worth of friendship. Within this circle, two have dated each other and broken up, one had a teenage crush on me, and I briefly dated another, before we decided that the friendship was too valuable to risk jeopardising. If my life was a sitcom, it would be Friends.
When it comes to dating an old friend, I’d say you have to accept the risk of things not working out. Not everyone can be Ross and Rachel, so proceed with caution if you think your friendship might not survive the fallout.
The interest group
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As the theory goes, if you’re in a community of like-minded people, you’ll find a guy to hit it off with. And hit it off with someone I did. The problem was that as luck would have had it, he was our activity coordinator and felt uncomfortable with dating the newbie of the group. So it was close, but no cigar. It also doesn’t help that most of my hobbies are female dominated – I dance, attend barre classes and am a recreational mermaid.
But I do believe that I’m an aberration – I reckon that this would be the best way to meet a significant other. There’s something to be said about finding your tribe (whether it’s a book club, gym buddies or scuba enthusiasts) and being surrounded by people who speak your language. And if something more blossoms, you’ll have a built-in partner in crime to share your pursuits with.
Hey, I’ve done my homework
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But the point of this article isn’t just to list all my failures at attempting to find love. Oddly enough, it’s almost a relief – because I know that I’ve put myself out there, I’ve taken risks, I haven’t been hiding in a hole playing All By Myself on loop. If I’ve already done what I can, then it’s not on me. He will come, eventually. Plus, I gained a few friends and gotten a clearer picture of the guy that’ll eventually come my way.
So I’m down, but not out. I’m still keeping my beady eyes open.
Single this V-day? Here are 10 tips to find love…
https://www.herworld.com/wellness/sexandrelationships/i-tried-getting-boyfriend-still-single-lessons-learnt/
10 tips to help you find love if you're single
1. Focus on the here and now
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It’s easy to spend your spare time stuck in your own head, reflecting on bad life choices and bad men from the past. Or focusing on your future and the dreaded idea you have to live a life without a man around. Instead, train your mind to focus only on the present and what you’re experiencing right now.
Be happy with your current state, understand the past had to happen to get where you are now and trust in the future to serve you what you need, when you need it. For now, you are single. So be single! Your ‘live in the moment’ energy will soon attract someone who wants to live in it with you too.
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ALSO READ: 5 DATING MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE ACCORDING TO DATING COACHES
2. Negative thought patterns need to stop, pronto
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When we’re lamenting about our single status and scrolling through social hating on all the #relationshipgoals images, we’re creating a huge negative aura about ourselves and our current single state. This negative mindset is only going to harm yourself and project negative energy into the universe, which we all know, means you attract only negative back.
So that bad man? More bad dates? Yeah, you’ll get them all flooding back. When you sit and think “but why me, why does nobody love me?” you’re focusing on all the bad parts – which in turn only attracts the bad. You have to train your thoughts (it’s hard, for sure, but keep going) to switch to positive points about yourself and your life, every time you find your mind wandering down this vicious path.
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ALSO READ: MANY MEN STILL FEEL INTIMIDATED BY SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMEN
3. Learn to accept your flaws
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Have you ever thought that, maybe, your bad points are required to make you exactly who you are, and that someone will heart you as a whole, good ‘n’ bad? When we’re desperately looking for our soulmate, we try become this ‘perfect’ human we think we have to be to bag our man. Newsflash – perfect doesn’t exist.
All that happens when you do this, is you create an ideal about yourself that you cannot sustain and resent yourself when you inevitably fall off this ladder. Once you accept everything about yourself, nay, embrace it, you’re more open to finding someone who will do the same.
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ALSO READ: MANY MEN STILL FEEL INTIMIDATED BY SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMEN
4. Accept their flaws too - perfection doesn’t exist
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Moving nicely on from the previous point, you can’t hold out for your dream man and refuse any potential suitor who comes along because they don’t fulfill all of your 20 tick boxes. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps your standards are unachievable?
More to the point, wouldn’t you be hurt if your ‘soulmate’ decided to call it a day with you because you didn’t earn the required pay bracket he was looking for (but he loved everything else about you)? Throw that tick list away, and every time you go on a date – take him for who he is, as he comes, and work out how you feel from thereon in.
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ALSO READ: 5 DATING MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE ACCORDING TO DATING COACHES
5. Drop the desperate
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Even if you tell everyone you meet (including the postman) that you are categorically not desperate – if you are desperate, everyone will know anyway. It’s a ‘vibe’ you give off. Men always sense the desperation and it puts them off – sorry but it’s a fact. Whilst it’s insanely hard to try not be desperate when you are, actually, tired and bored and desperate, you have to learn to be okay with whatever outcome you receive.
If he stops texting? Be okay with it. If he cancels the date? You almost forgot you had it planned anyway. If you learn to step back from the situation and understand that ‘what will be will be’, your desperate vibes will soon disappear, which in turn makes you more attractive to the opposite sex.
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ALSO READ: MANY MEN STILL FEEL INTIMIDATED BY SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMEN
6. Say yes to the dates...just say yes
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Dating can be tiring. When you have a bad date after bad date you think, why am I even bothering? But the issue with this is, that one man you cannot be bothered to go meet because of the previous bad seven – that one could be the one who will change your entire world. Put it this way, true love isn’t going to trip into your front door unannounced and sweep you off your sofa.
Also, say yes to the date that you’re not overly sure on. Not because you should be wasting even more of your time, but because you can never predict real life chemistry, nor do you ever know what you actually need, you only know what you want. These two ideas are usually completely different. Example: You may think you hate short men but that one guy who is cute and sweet but definitely shorter than you could be your perfect match. So…say yes.
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ALSO READ: 5 DATING MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE ACCORDING TO DATING COACHES
7. Dating apps - re-evaluate your profile and your match choices
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Okay, dating apps are a whole new dating maze and it would take me an entire article to delve into this world. Dating apps are not a bad thing and I know many who found love on there – but you need to ensure you’re putting out the right vibes and choosing the right candidates.
For a start, take another look at your profile. That drunk photo of you – does it say ‘girlfriend material’? The one with a low-cut top, are you giving off the vibes of someone looking for love, or looking for one night of fun? In your bio text, do you dictate all the things you hate about a man and in doing so, make the good men swipe away from you? Do you show off your best qualities? Do you even bother to fill in your bio? Take some time to look objectively at your own profile and make the tweaks needed to attract the person you are after.
On top of that, start to really look at who you swipe yes to, and who you reply to. Is there a common trait of man? Do they all seem to say same thing, or want the same thing? Start addressing ‘your type’ and look beyond your norms to see if you’re the one keeping yourself stuck in this vicious cycle.
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ALSO READ: MANY MEN STILL FEEL INTIMIDATED BY SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMEN
8. Learn to walk at the first warning sign
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Given how much we all want to be loved, if we’ve been single for a while it’s very easy to ignore certain warning signs in light of keeping the man around. So he has a short temper – we all snap sometimes right? He seems to hate how you dress – you should probably tone down anyway. He gets angry if you touch his phone or hides it when you’re around – he’s just a very private man, yeah?
No. You must start to ‘see’ the warning signs when they first appear, and learn to walk away there and then. The reason you’ve had such a bad run previously is often due to your own submission to keeping bad men around you. If you struggle to ‘see’ it for yourself, instead try picture your best girlfriend telling you about her partner’s behaviour like this.
Once you are able to dispel the bad as soon as it’s spotted…you’ll find yourself able to spot the good and keep hold of it.
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ALSO READ: 5 DATING MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE ACCORDING TO DATING COACHES
9. Give yourself a makeover
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Okay, so superficial stuff isn’t exactly going to help you find true love, but I do believe in the importance of self-love and confidence in yourself first and foremost. When you feel good about who you are (we’ve got rid of the negativity already, haven’t we?) and how you look – your confidence will be sky-high and this is hugely attractive to a potential partner.
So, now’s the time to give yourself a mini makeover and pampering session. If it’s booking yourself in for a much-needed facial at a top salon or buying a face mask to do at home, it doesn’t matter as long as you feel good at the end of it. Maybe you want to try a new hairstyle or a hair colour? Or maybe you just need to invest in a new mascara and make some sartorial swaps. Refresh your image to match your new single mindset.
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ALSO READ: MANY MEN STILL FEEL INTIMIDATED BY SEXUALLY CONFIDENT WOMEN
10. Don’t consider a bad date or a short fling ‘a failure’
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Finally, if you do continue dating this year and they all still end up horrendously wrong – learn not to consider this as a failure or worse, blame yourself for the outcome. Everything is a lesson to learn, even if it is a painful one.
Keep on going, keep positive about every new experience, keep an open mind to every new man and trust in the universe to deliver what you deserve and need, exactly when you need it. With an open mind and an open heart, love will soon come flooding in. We’ll keep our fingers crossed for you!
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