From The Straits Times    |

IN YOUR 20s

SEX CONCERN: NOT FEELING COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY
Address it! You may still be getting used to your more womanly shape, leaving you feeling insecure about certain aspects of your body, like the cellulite on your thighs or your belly roll. You also may not know your way around your anatomy.

This is normal, says Vanessa Marin, a sex and relationship therapist from San Francisco. “It’s hard to enjoy the physical sensations of sex if you don’t have a good relationship with your body. Wanting to have better sex can be great motivation to develop this relationship with yourself.” She suggests exploring your body to learn about your anatomy. Certain activities, like dancing and yoga, can also help you gain confidence and accept your body and the way it moves.

SEX CONCERN: NOT KNOWING HOW TO ORGASM
Address it! “If you want to have orgasms, you have to learn what your body likes, on your own,” Vanessa shares. “Learn what strokes please you and where your erogenous zones are.”

IN YOUR 30s

SEX CONCERN: FEELING UNSEXY
Address it! If you have children in your 30s, you are likely to go through a massive transition in your relationship with sex: Your body will have gone through considerable changes that might take some time to adjust to.

Your relationship may also feel strained from all the changes in your life. Plus, it can be hard to feel the desire for sex when you’re exhausted from caring for your little one. Vanessa says new mums need to cut themselves some slack and allow themselves time to adjust to all the new changes.

It’s also important to make time for yourself and do things that make you feel good, whether that means going for monthly spa treatments, working out or taking a dance class to feel more body-confident.

SEX CONCERN: LOSS OF SEXUAL SPARK
Address it! If you’ve been in your relationship for a while now, chances are you might fi nd it harder to maintain the chemistry that originally drew you to your par tner. Sex can start to feel routine, boring and unenticing.

Dr Ann Tan, a gynaecologist and obstetrician at the Women & Fetal Centre, adds that if you and your spouse are new parents and have busy work schedules to boot, you may not have the energy to make love, and this can certainly have an impact on your sexual desire.

To bring back the spark, Vanessa suggests trying new things in the bedroom: Buy a few sex toys to experiment with, talk to your partner about changing up your sexual routine or attend a sex workshop together to get new ideas.

SEX CONCERN: FERTILITY WORRIES
Address it! If you are having trouble conceiving, it can stress you out emotionally, says Dr Tan. That anxiety and worry, compounded by other challenges in your life, can take their toll, dampening your sexual desire and even affecting your relationship with your spouse, making sex uncomfortable and awkward.

Dr Tan suggests discussing your fertility worries with your gynaecologist to see how they can be resolved. To relieve your anxiety, remind yourself that sex is a pleasurable, loving act, and make it a point to let go of your fertility worries and just enjoy yourself when you are in bed with your husband. In short: Try not to let your anxiety consume you.

Meditation and activities like a massage prior to sex can help you get into a more relaxed state.

IN YOUR 40s

SEX CONCERT: DISCOMFORT FROM PERIMENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS
Address it! Hot fl ashes and vaginal dryness, which result from fluctuating hormone levels, can decrease your sexual enjoyment, says Dr Tan.

You may find that you’re not as easily aroused and are less sensitive to your partner’s caresses. A lack of vaginal lubrication can also make intercourse painful.

Stress, medication, bladder control problems and other health issues like fibroids or endometriosis can also lower your sexual desire.

To tackle vaginal dryness, use lubrication whenever you have sex. While it may sometimes be hard to force yourself to get in the mood for sex, you can still connect with your partner intimately through kissing and hugging, indulging in foreplay or giving each other a massage; you could also try new positions that might make intercourse more comfortable.

SEX CONCERN: DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY
Address it! At this stage of your life, Dr Tan says you may face a range of stresses and problems – your kids’ education and well-being, financial or legal issues, difficulties in your marriage and/or career, and personal problems stemming from your changing body.

All of these can affect you emotionally and have an impact on your libido. If you feel that you are suffering from anxiety or depression, speak to a counsellor who can help you manage your emotions. Getting your partner to understand what you’re going through and empathise with you can also help.

Instead of shutting your husband out, open up to him about your anxieties and try to work it out together or with a counsellor.

This article was originally published in Simply Her December 2015.