From The Straits Times    |

Most people haven’t a clue what contentment in a relationship is. Those striving for contentment do as much as they can in the hopes of finally achieving it.

There are couples who try their best to be “perfect” for their partner, or think they’d only be happy if they were with The Perfect Man. Then there are those who think a baby, an expensive car or a larger house would bring about contentment and keep everyone happy. But this couldn’t be further from the truth.

BLOG The great ‘con’ of contentment DECOR

Contentment is not something you can strive towards. It is not found in a perfect spouse, a baby or material things. Contentment is already present in our relationships, every day. Contentment is present in spite of any emotion we are feeling at the moment – happiness, sadness or anger. All we need to do is to make a decision to grab it and cling on.

We are not perfect, and no matter how hard we try, we will never be. Striving to attain a perfect partner is a mission impossible – you won’t get as far as Tom Cruise did, trust me – and is most likely to bring about more resentment from both parties. It is also rather pointless to try and be perfect for your partner. Instead, relish the fact that you’re both human, and focus on growing upwards, together.

Being able to achieve material gain with your partner – while all well and good – doesn’t help the relationship in any way. You may have a ten storey house and three pools, but you would be nowhere without each other.

And don’t even get me started on the topic of children! Countless couples have told me that a child brings husband and wife together. In fact, they seem to think that this is as a good reason as any to make babies. While I do not disagree that a child would add a fulfilling dimension to the relationship, I hesitate to attribute happiness in a relationship to it. To simplify: if there is no solid foundation in the first place, you would not be able to build on it.

There is only one secret to all the contentment in the world – gratitude. After all, if you’re in a relationship, then you already have the first most important thing – love.

Gratitude is such a simple concept, but many do not practice it. I too, am incredibly guilty of this. There was a time when I whined about everything that went wrong in my relationship. In fact, it was not hard to see all his flaws; and turn a blind eye to everything he did do right. I gave myself no reason to be happy, and eventually, found myself in a foul mood most of the time.

One day, it hit me. I would only be content in my relationship if I was grateful for even the simplest acts of love he shows me. I could also be grateful for the all the character traits I treasured in him, and the many ways in which those traits manifested themselves.

These days, I make it a habit to think of one thing I am grateful for in my relationship every day. Last night, I was grateful that Mr Right took my feelings into consideration, and did not leave his pile of dirty laundry on the floor while he frolicked in the shower. Yes, you can most certainly be grateful for the little things in life too.

So, I’ve learnt that contentment has nothing to do with what is missing; instead, it has everything to do with what you’ve already got. I mean, since you can’t change it, might as well accept it (just kidding).

The same goes for those striving for contentment in life – by putting in twelve hours a day in the rat race, saving for an expensive car and only dating men with prospects – you’ll only achieve it if you’re grateful for what you have in this moment. This mindset would certainly help you more than chasing a dream that doesn’t guarantee contentment.

Alisa Chopard is a writer who appreciates a good man who is able to carry a conversation; picks up after himself and takes her feelings into consideration.