It’s happened a few times this week already – your hubby is raring for some action between the sheets, and you’re just not in the mood. There was a time when you couldn’t get enough sex, but now, the idea of making love just fills you with dread.
So, where did your lust go? Singapore clinical sexologist Dr Martha Lee of Eros Coaching says that “a low sex drive should not be confused with having zero desire to have sex – they are not the same”.
When you have a lower sex drive than your man, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Martha points out that couples “need to be aware of this difference and together, come up with creative ways to fulfill both your sexual needs”.
Singapore experts share tips on how couples can regain
their mojo in the bedroom. Image: Corbis
We ask Singapore experts – Dr Martha Lee and psychologist Daniel Koh of Insights Mind Centre – for seven common lifestyle and emotional factors that diminish your sex drive; and the ways to reclaim your mojo.
1. YOU’RE ALWAYS TOO TIRED FOR SEX
At the end of a long day, it’s hard to find the energy to even think about sex. Fatigue and/or lack of quality sleep can diminish your desire for sex.
- Plan ahead for a session and rest up for it.
- Ask your husband to help you: He could put the kids to bed, so you get more downtime.
- To feel refreshed on the actual sex date, have a short nap the day before.
- Look at your diet and lifestyle habits – junk food, too much alcohol or tobacco, or a lack of exercise – can zap energy.
2. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY STRESSED OUT
Anxiety over work and the kids consume you all day. You’re so highly strung and worried about everyone and everything that you can hardly focus on anything else when you get home.
- Let go and focus on the present moment.
- Get in the mood: Fantasise about how you want to be touched and held. You can get aroused by slowly caressing yourself or you can take candlelit bath to help you unwind.
3. YOU’VE FALLEN INTO A SEX RUT
Your lovemaking pattern has grown stale and you have become so familiar with each other’s bodies, there’s no excitement anymore.
- Be creative: sexual pleasure does not just mean intercourse.
- Changing things around makes things more interesting and can lead to a huge difference in your sex life. Think oral sex, mutual masturbation, or even sex toys.
4. YOU’RE NOT ATTRACTED TO YOUR HUSBAND ANYMORE – OR ARE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE
According to psychologist Daniel Koh, when a couple does not fulfill each other’s emotional and physical needs, they may be tempted to look elsewhere.
- Determine why you feel the way you do. Is it your husband, or do you just have higher expectations? Do you compare him to other men?
- Once you identify the problem, find out how to solve it.
- Share your feelings with your husband. If the problem lies with him, tactfully explain what it is.
- Work on rebuilding the attraction to bring the passion back to your relationship and sex life.
5. YOU JUST DON’T FEEL SEXY ANYMORE
You’re so hung up about your physical insecurities that you find it hard to connect with your sensual side or even see yourself as sexy.
- Practise feeling sexy: Don’t let a negative body image. Wear something that helps you to feel sexy, be it lingerie, makeup or heels.
- Don’t obsess about what you dislike, think about what you love about your body: Your long silky hair or your soft skin.
6. YOU HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND
You may feel hurt or resentment towards him. Or perhaps you don’t think he loves and cares for you enough.
- Express your thoughts and try to clear up any misunderstandings. It’s important to feel secure, both physically and emotionally. But don’t rush into this as it’ll only cause more resentment.
- Work on re-establishing your sexual connection, once you have resolved your feelings. For instance, you could build up the passion and lust by engaging in foreplay or start ‘dating’ again.
- Let your husband shower you with attention. Slowly, your negative feelings will be replaced with positive ones and your sex life will improve as barriers come down.
7. YOUR SEX LIFE HAS DECREASED SINCE HAVING A BABY
In addition to your new tot, there are a million other things to do and worry about, so it’s only natural to give your sex life lower priority. After giving birth, you may also find it takes longer to feel aroused.
- Get your hubby to help out more at home and with the baby. This will take the strain off from such daily activities and give you the energy for time in the bedroom.
- Take your time and build up the desire – don’t rush during sex.
A HORMONAL IMBALANCE?
A hormonal imbalance could also be the reason for your low sex drive. Most women aren’t even aware they are suffering from it. Martha advises that women should go for a hormonal check “to make sure that everything is in order”.
Martha adds that other medical conditions such as diabetes, heart and vascular disease, neurological disorders, and chronic diseases such as kidney or liver failure, can also contribute to a low libido.
Of course, there are non-medical causes of a low sex drive. Before you see a doctor, take a look at your lifestyle and your relationship with your husband to find out what’s causing your low libido.
Daniel Koh is a psychologist at Insights Mind Centre, a private practice located at 20 Maxwell Road, #07-18e Maxwell House, S069113; Tel: 9363 5815, opening hours 9am to 5pm on Mondays to Fridays and 9am to 12 noon or Saturdays. The private practice provides services that include counselling, psychological assessments and therapy. Email insightsMC@gmail.com or visit www.insightsmindcentre.com.sg for further enquiries.
Dr Martha Lee is a clinical sexologist and founder of Eros Coaching; a coaching company that provides coaching and counselling services on sexuality and intimacy. For more information on Eros Coaching, email drmarthalee@eroscoaching.com or go towww.eroscoaching.com.
This article was originally published in SimplyHer January 2011.
