Every relationship should be based on a strong foundation of trust and respect. But what happens if your man starts coming home late, working out to get in shape, and is secretive about his mobile phone calls?
Of course, you trust that he will never cheat, but are your suspicions really unfounded? Relationship experts weigh in on seven red-flags, and how much they’re a cause for concern.
1. He starts paying more attention to his looks and wardrobe
Most people are keen to impress when they first embark on a new relationship, and this red flag could be an indication that there is someone else on the horizon.
Life coach and relationship expert, Rebekah Fensome, warns that taking a greater interest in his appearance could be a bad sign. “Maybe he just wants to start taking pride in his appearance, but you have to wonder why the sudden desire to shape up.”
Dating coach, Peter Spalton, also known in the UK as the “Dating Doctor” suggests that you should pay attention to when the attention to detail occurs. “The problem is when he only dresses up to go out without you, either in the evening with “the boys” or for dress-down Friday at work.”
Red-Flag Meter: 5/5
2. He’s cheated before
A leopard never changes his spots, and if he does, it’s usually temporary. Relationship experts stress that a past history of infidelity should be a cause for concern.
People tend to repeat patterns throughout their lives unless they make a conscious effort to stop and take notice of why they are acting this way. Fensome advises getting to the root of the problem by asking him why he thinks that he cheated. She says, “Find out the cause of where it came from – Was he too young? Did he not really want to be with that person? Was it insecurity?” You should be able to decide if this is going to be a recurring issue from there.
Author of Stop Getting Dumped! and How to Date Like a Grown-Up, Lisa Daily says that the greatest indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. “If he cheated on his last partner, it’s only a matter of time before he cheats on you,” warns Daily. “If he’s cheated on you and you stayed with him, you can almost guarantee he’ll cheat again as well, because you’ve basically affirmed that he can get away with it.”
Red-Flag Meter: 5/5
3. His friends are jerks
I once overheard someone advising a friend who let a drunken night get out of hand, “If you were drunk, it never happened”.
Daily explains that people with similar values and backgrounds tend to hang out together, so you can learn a lot about a guy by the friends he keeps. She says, “I would steer clear if his friends all cheat on their partners, or if he has no problem covering for a cheating friend. Of course, it’s a pretty good sign if his friends are good guys who treat their partners well.”
Red-Flag Meter: 4/5
4. He’s spending less time with you
While it’s healthy to have time apart in a relationship, being left out too much isn’t just frustrating and hurtful, it could also be a sign that your relationship is heading for the rocks. Relationships need nurturing and time spent together to create physical and emotional intimacy.
If your partner is spending less time with you and seems less interested in you, it could indicate that they are developing this intimacy and safety elsewhere.
However, it might also be that he is feeling more secure in the relationship and is comfortable enough to allow for more personal space between the two of you. Fensome suggests talking to him to see how he reacts. If he becomes defensive, it probably isn’t a good sign.
Red-Flag Meter: 4/5
5. He’s suddenly become more attentive
I used to know whenever my boyfriend needed a favour from me from the sudden deluge of compliments I would get from him. A man who suddenly becomes more attentive is as much cause for suspicion as a man isn’t spending as much time with you.
While most women dream of having a romantic and attentive partner, it might not be a positive development if this hasn’t always been the case from the start, as it may indicate a strong guilt factor.
However, it isn’t necessarily a great cause for concern, and should probably only be considered a red flag when coupled with the other signs. Otherwise, don’t let your inner cynic get the better of you and ruin your man’s efforts at giving you the attention you deserve.
Red-Flag Meter: 2/5
6. He’s got more reasons for leaving the house
Frequent ventures out of the house could signal trouble. Fensome advises that a frank discussion to get to the bottom of his avoidance behaviour.
If your partner starts to find various reasons to leave the house, it could be a real signal that he is exiting from the relationship. There are many ways that people do this – through work, sport, seeing friends, hobbies – all of which can be part of a healthy relationship.
However, if you’ve noticed that his new behaviour is drastically out of character, it would help if you are able to talk and explore what the reasons are.
Daily agrees that you may have cause to worry about this red flag if there is no real reason for leaving the house, especially if the reasons are impractical or are unusual – like claiming to want ice cream late at night, and then being gone for three hours.
Red-Flag Meter: 4/5
7. He’s changed his phone habits
Becoming more secretive is a big red flag, especially where mobile phones are concerned. If you notice things like him locking access to his mobile phone or being very vague about who he is receiving text messages and calls from, it may be time to become suspicious.
“This is a big sign, unless it’s the week before your birthday, anniversary or a major holiday, in which case he might just be planning a surprise for you,” says Daily.
Red-Flag Meter: 5/5
So if you suspect that your man might be cheating on you, the biggest red flags to watch out for would be significant changes in behaviour – whether in his wardrobe, or in the bedroom.
Just keep in mind to stay alert without being overly obsessed. A single red flag may not be a definite deal-breaker, but if you notice more than one of the signs, chances are your suspicions might be right.