Photograph: dmitrimaruta, 123rf.com
It isn’t always as straightforward as we’d like it to be. Here’s how to deal with the trickiest, most awkward and sometimes confusing aspects of sex.
1. Make putting on a condom sexy
Make this awkward act sexy by getting involved – slowly unroll it onto your man’s shaft, making sure your free hand is firmly gripping the base of his penis. He will love seeing you handle his package this way. Alternatively, ask him to put it on. “Hand him a condom and say, ‘I can’t wait for you to get this on’,” says Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist from the US. Your eagerness is sure to excite him.
2. Use a sex toy
There are numerous creations on the market – from small buzzing vibrators to ergonomically designed dildos and even full-body massagers. Some are designed for solo play while others are made for couples. Whatever you choose should depend on the sensations you’re after and which areas you want to stimulate. Vibrators are great for stimulating the clitoris, while dildos are usually made for vaginal penetration. There are also sex toys to pleasure your G-spot.
3. Tell your hubby you’re not in the mood
It’s okay to say no to sex, but you should express yourself gently and respectfully so as not to hurt his feelings, says Christina Spaccavento, a sex and relationship therapist from Australia. Say something like: “You know how much I love being intimate with you, but right now I’m a little tired.” Suggest cuddling or spooning instead – both are relaxing ways to bond and build intimacy with your partner. And, just because you’re not in the mood at that moment, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be later. Tell your man that if you’re up to having sex later, you will let him know.
4. Apply lubricant
Incorporate this messy task into foreplay. Just when you and Hubby are getting hot and heavy, bring out the lubricant and use it while pleasuring each other. The slipperiness will enhance those pleasurable sensations, so that by the time you’re ready to have sex, you won’t have to think twice about whether or not you’re sufficiently lubricated.
5. Let him know what you like – and don’t like
When your man does something you like, communicate it to him right there and then, either verbally or with your body language, says Christina. After sex, tell him again what he did right and why you loved it. If he does something you don’t like, it’s important to be equally honest. Christina suggests saying something like, “Can you stop that, please? It’s uncomfortable”, “I don’t like that – can we change position?” or “I’m not really into this – can we try something different?” Remember to be tactful and kind when communicating your feelings to him.
6. Feel sexy fast
Your hubby wants to make love, and so do you, but you just don’t feel sexy or aroused. Vanessa says the way to get around this is to touch yourself. Masturbation sends messages to your brain, which then prepares your body for sex and heightens your sexual excitement. “Experiencing just a little physical pleasure will help you naturally crave more.”
7. Propose a new position
You’re keen to try a new sex position but are worried about how your hubby will react. Don’t sweat it. Christina says to just get it out in the open, but keep your request simple. Say something like: “Hey, I read about this position. It sounds like a lot of fun and I’d like to try it together”. “It’s likely that he will appreciate you being honest and direct about your needs, because it means he won’t have to guess,” she adds.
8. Have a quickie – and still enjoy it
You have managed to sneak in a quickie, but the last thing you want is to feel rushed. Instead of thinking about how much time you have, turn your thoughts to the present. “Focus on the sensations coursing throughout your body and revel in the pleasure you’re experiencing,” Vanessa offers. “When you get lost in those wonderful emotions and pay attention to how it feels to be touched, you won’t be as concerned about running out of time.”
9. Have morning sex when you’re still sleepy
It’s nice to wake up all touchyfeely and wanting sex, but what if you’re too tired or sleepy to move? Sideways sex is the best position in this instance. Lie on your side and get your hubs to spoon you. Lift your top leg slightly and drape it over Hubby’s uppermost thigh, or bend both your knees and lift them up towards your chest. Your man then enters you from behind you. This position lets you have slow, intimate sex without too much movement, plus, there’s no dealing with morning breath!
10. Find your G-spot
This refers to a small area of tissue located about 2.5cm to 5cm past your vaginal opening, along the upper wall of your vagina. When stimulated, this erogenous zone is believed to produce incredible pleasure. To locate this elusive spot, lie on your back or squat. Place your palm on your vulva and slowly insert two fingers into your vagina (use lubricant to make this step easier). Bend your fingers in a “come hither” motion. You should feel a spongy or slightly bumpy spot on the inner front wall of your vagina. If you press down on it firmly, you may start to feel aroused or even get the sensation of wanting to pee. The more you stimulate this supersensitive spot, the more pleasure you’ll feel.
11. Have an intense orgasm
When you feel you’re on the brink of an orgasm, don’t allow yourself to go completely over the edge. Instead, hold it back. Keep repeating this step until you cannot delay your orgasm any longer. When you finally allow yourself to release this built-up sexual tension, your final orgasm should feel downright explosive.
12. Have multiple orgasms
After a man climaxes, he needs some time to recover before being able to become erect and ejaculate again. This isn’t the case for women, though. Just because we’ve already had an orgasm doesn’t mean we can’t have another one minutes or hours after. The trick to having multiple orgasms is to maintain a state of arousal after your first climax. So for instance, instead of trying to stimulate your genitals again, ask Hubby to touch a part of your body that’s not hypersensitive, like your breasts and nipples. This will build up your desire and get you in the mood for more action later on.
13. Delay your man’s orgasm
If he is close to orgasm but you aren’t quite there yet, you may wish to delay or prolong his climax. Vanessa says that, before he loses total control, slither away from him and say something like, “You can’t have that just yet”. Ask him to focus on you with his hands or mouth until you are