The love lessons we learnt about our bodies in lockdown

"I’m not weird or of less value for having a low sex drive."

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Libido is different for all of us, and there’s many factors that have influence over it. No matter our sexual desire, it’s worth remembering that neither our emotional want for sex nor our sexual arousal (the body’s physiological reactions) are stimulated through just the physical act of sex. Exploring ourselves sexually goes way beyond that, and debunking around libido and sex drive is a great place to start.

"Depression 100% impacts how I feel, which impacts how much I self-pleasure."

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In the same way that our sexual health is a state of physical and mental wellbeing; our mental health can contribute to our sexual wellbeing. It works both ways, and sometimes we just might not be in the mood. Self-pleasure is not all about stimulation and getting physical, our relationship to sexuality can be nurtured in other ways that can be just as creative and mindful, too. We can take care of our sexual wellbeing in non-sexual ways!

"Being more confident in myself helps with reaching orgasms."

Credit: Annika Wolter/Smile Makers

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When we stop seeing sexual pleasure as performative, where it’s all about the destination and not the journey, we start to remove the pressure of chasing after orgasms. Sexuality becomes about getting to know ourselves and enjoying our body on our own terms. We shake off the scripts we were given and start writing our own. By doing so, we more fully express our sexual self and reaching orgasm becomes more possible. Confidence trumps climax any day, an orgasm is just a really good added bonus.

"I learned to penetrate without feeling pain!"

Credit: Annika Wolter/Smile Makers

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Smile Makers set out to create a collection of vibrators that are gentle, unintimidating, and perfect for first-timers. Finding a vibrator that you feel comfortable with, has soft and gentle vibration settings, and is shaped to play with internal pleasure is a great step towards exploring penetration. The real key? Taking the time to practice and understand what pleasure feels like for you.

"What kind of pleasure I like! As a woman with PCOS (& therefore low libido) this has been foreign."

Credit: Annika Wolter/Smile Makers

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At least 1 in 10 of us vulva owners are affected by polycystic ovary syndrome, so that’s a whole lot of potential pleasure we might be missing out on. PCOS can have a huge impact on our day-to-day lives and health, but it doesn’t mean we can’t own our bodies. In fact, we say knowledge is power; the more we know about our bodies, the more we are able to enjoy them! Reclaiming our sexuality when living with a chronic illness is possible!

"Where my clitoris is actually located."

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Many of us don’t know enough about our own pleasure anatomy because we are not taught it in sex education. The part of the clitoris we can see and feel in our vulva (on the outside) is called the clitoral glans and only a quarter of the entire thing. The rest is internal and can be stimulated through the vaginal wall. We could talk about clits all day, but instead why not get a bit hands on, and try to map the rest of the vulva!

"That my body can and want to have sex, I just didn’t because of psychological traumas."

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A trauma is often a separation of a part of us, a loss of feeling. We often try to condemn our trauma; we carry guilt from it and don’t want to accept it as part of us. Many of us vulva owners can relate to experiences that bring up feelings of shame around our sexuality, but sexual shame is not a natural state, shame is a learnt behaviour. Female embodiment coach Lisa Welsh talks about there being five stages of sexual healing from trauma; from identifying the root issue on a superficial level, to reconnecting your body to your sexuality.⁠

"Stress affected my libido more than I cared to admit to myself in the past."

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The body needs its stress response to deal with everyday life, but if it is prolonged or extreme, the response can have a negative effect on many aspects of health. For example, hormone balance, which in turn messes up the messaging that contributes to sex drive. We all know the importance of trying to control the body's stress response ie reducing causes, but we can also modify our diets and take certain supplements to get the additional nutrients we need to combat stress. These can help give our libido a direct boost!

"That sometimes I prefer solo sessions to sex with my partner and that is completely healthy."

Credit: Annika Wolter/Smile Maker

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Forget the taboos, everybody needs some me-time and our self-pleasure sessions are not a reflection of our partner or the sex we have with them. Masturbation is an empowering way to express our sensuality and discover our own bodies; in fact, studies show that women who masturbate have higher self-esteem and less anxiety around partner sex. Making time and space for masturbation within a relationship can help strengthen the connection, communication and sex between a couple. It’s a win-win situation!

"I learned to be patient; taking time makes me more sensitive, relaxed, and focused."

Credit: Annika Wolter/Smile Maker

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Quickies are good, but there’s a time and a place for them. During lockdowns, a lot of us have more time to play with pleasure and ourselves. We can indulge in longer sessions and want to feel more connected to our own bodies. Slow sex isn’t just for partners, we can experience mindful, sensual sensations all by ourselves too. Deep breaths can help us feel more relaxed and focused to really enjoy the moment.



This article was first published in Smile Makers. Smile Makers is a sexual wellness brand on a mission to inspire vulva owners to set their own standards for good sex. As a brand, they bring sexual wellness products into mainstream spaces, remove limiting beliefs around vulva sexuality and foster a global, pleasure-positive and light-hearted conversation about sex.