This picture is not floating my boat

Cara Delevingne must be very confused.

Also, fair warning to Michelle Rodriguez: Good luck fending off the legions of loony Zefron fans, yours truly included.

Let’s get you up to speed, shall we. Pop culture pundits are working themselves into paroxysms of glee at today’s literal “money shot” of Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez sucking face in full frontal view of panting paparazzi.

I’ll spare you the gory visuals; a cursory Google search ought to do the trick. You need only know that the dirty deed between Hollywood’s golden boy and Cara’s erstwhile girlfriend was the climax, so to speak, of a weekend’s worth of cavorting atop a yacht in Italy. (Catty aside: Italy? How very cliched of their publicists to use such an unimaginative “romantic” locale.)

The most sordid aspect of this Sardinian scandal? The “romance” between Zac and Mich took place on a boat owned by one Gianluca Vacchi. Who? This Gianluca chap is a flamboyantly tattooed and very wealthy Italian businessman who is wont to shoot selfies such as the following doozy of an Instagram image:

No words.

Indeed, it appears as if their trigger-happy friend is the sole engineer of the Zac and Mich affair, having posted (carefully staged?) pictures and videos of the pair plunging into blue waters, breaking out into impromptu dancing, executing head-stands and other assorted instances of tomfoolery perhaps best left undocumented.

I present as evidence the following (admittedly rather amusing) video:

Now for some key takeaways. First, I don’t believe for a second the two are seriously dating – and I’ll eat my Philip Treacy hat if this dalliance lasts beyond this month.

To be sure, I’m not casting aspersions on the platonic friendship between Zac and Mich – they do look cute together the way a kitten would with its older lady owner– but a romantic relationship? The streets have been talking for years about Zac Efron … if you know what I mean.

Finally, should Cara Delevingne be reading this: Girl, it’s time to move on. Your “omnivorous” companion has made clear her desire to sample the buffet table on the other side of the room!

You can follow Zac Efron on Twitter and Instagram and Michelle Rodriguez on Twitter and Instagram.