From The Straits Times    |

Who doesn’t want an awesome, loving relationship? It’s great having someone special in your life to do fun stuff with and confide in, someone who will be there for you when you need support and make you feel better when things aren’t going your way. And of course, being with someone also means that you never have to do anything alone. But are you only with your guy because the thought of going through life sans boyfriend fills you with fear and dread?

How to tell if you are addicted to love DECOR 1

DO YOU GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE WRONG REASONS?
If you have a habit of jumping from relationship to relationship without much of a break in between guys, it’s possible that you just can’t bear to be single. There’s nothing wrong with playing the field after a serious or long-term relationship has ended, but committing yourself and saying “I love you” to a new boyfriend when you and your ex have only recently parted ways, is not emotionally healthy.

“Time is something we all need after ending a relationship,” says Vanessa Marin, a sex and relationship therapist from San Francisco. “Moving from one relationship to another in a matter of days or weeks is not healthy because you need time to process what went happened between you and your ex. You want to understand what went wrong and figure out how you might be able to improve in your next relationship. You may also have some new ideas about what you’re looking for in your next partner. And you need time to let your heart heal. There is just no shortcut for getting over a relationship.”

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF BEING SINGLE?
Is there a way to tell that you’re only in your current relationship because you are afraid of being single? Yes, says Vanessa. Simply put, you have a nagging gut feeling that you shouldn’t be in the relationship. “Most people I’ve worked with have known deep down that that they were in a relationship for the wrong reasons,” she explains. “It can be a hard truth to admit to yourself, but the feeling is usually there whether you like it or not.”

So, listen to your heart. Ask yourself what you’re getting out of your relationship right now, and whether or not the man you’re with makes you happy. Is he someone you definitely want a future with? Do you meet each other’s needs? Do you really enjoy spending time with him, or are you just with him for the sake of being able to say you’re attached? When you’re with him, do you still feel lonely? Do you look at him and wonder why on earth you’re together? These are all important questions to consider, so be honest with your answers!

IF YOU’RE A SERIAL DATER, LISTEN UP …
So you admit to changing boyfriends every few months because you really are afraid of being single and alone. Here’s why this is not good: Your fear can make you forget that you have any standards when it comes to guys or relationships.

You may be so desperate to be with somebody – anybody – that you end up choosing a boyfriend who is bad for you, all because he paid you some attention. And when this happens, you may be so afraid of losing him that you find yourself excusing, justifying, or putting up with his bad behaviour. (We all have that one friend who would rather stay with her cheating or emotionally abusive boyfriend than be single – don’t be like her!). It’s also fair to say that, if you’re spending all your time with the wrong guys, you miss out on opportunities to meet the right ones.

Bouncing from one relationship to another without time off also screams neediness – a trait that’s a turn-off to most men. Top-notch, quality guys like to take their time really getting to know a woman to see if they are compatible, and if they can sense that you’re desperate to be loved and would do anything to tie them down, they are likely to lose interest in you real quick. This is exactly the kind of insecurity that attracts men who are emotionally immature or unavailable, or who don’t exactly know what they want from a relationship. Don’t. Go. There.

How to tell if you are addicted to love DECOR 2

SINGLE DOES NOT MEAN UNLOVABLE
“Being alone can bring up real existential crises for most of us,” says Vanessa. “No one wants to feel like they are truly alone in this world. Many of us also equate being alone with being unlovable.”

Just because your relationship ended and you have yet to start a new one, does not mean that there’s nothing about you to love. It’s something that’s been said to death, but if you are not happy or comfortable being on your own, then how could a potential boyfriend feel good about being with you?

If you are recently out of a relationship and are itching to find a new boyfriend because you hate the single life, stop right there. You should be relishing and cherishing your current boyfriend-less status instead. So ditch the plan to throw yourself back into the dating scene. Work out what you learnt from your last relationship and what you want from the next.

Think of how you can improve yourself to make yourself more attractive to new guys you may meet. Take the time you need to get over – really get over – your ex and deal with your baggage from your last relationship. Make a list of qualities you’d like your new boyfriend to have, and seriously think about certain traits, habits or activities that would be deal-breakers for you.

Come up with your own definitions of “love” and a “strong, healthy relationship”. Once you understand what you deserve and get a clear idea of what you will not put up with, you are likely to be more focused in your search once you’re ready to start dating seriously again – which means that you’re less likely to settle for just anybody.

WHY NOT DATE YOURSELF?
And, while you are looking around for a wonderful guy to have a great relationship with, why not date yourself? “Dating yourself is a lot of fun, and it will help you feel more secure about your single status,” Vanessa points out. So, treat yourself like you would like to be treated on a proper date or if you were in a loving relationship. Shower yourself with love, buy little gifts for yourself, go on that holiday you’ve always dreamt about, or do activities that challenge you physically or mentally.

The more time you spend with yourself, the more comfortable you will be in your own company, and the more in-love with yourself you’ll start to feel – don’t laugh, it’s true! With greater self-love comes greater self-acceptance, which will give you the confidence to make better decisions in all areas of your life, including your romantic relationships.  

Want more relationship advice? Read our top 9 signs he wants to be in a relationship with you; or our tips on what NOT to do on a first date and discover the most unsual place one woman found love