STEP 1: PICK THE RIGHT TIME
Telling him you want better sex just before or during the deed kills the mood. Telling him after? He’ll be too sleepy. Find a laid-back moment – say, during a stroll in the park – and ease him into the convo with flattery. Tell him how hot he is, or how good he makes you feel (“I love it when you nibble on my ear”).
STEP 2: DELIVER THE MESSAGE
Avoid placing blame. Focus on what you want, not what he’s doing wrong. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements – start with “I feel…” instead of “You make me…” And avoid negative statements like “I hate it when you go straight to the sex.” It’ll go over much better when you say: “I’d like it if you didn’t skip foreplay”.
STEP 3: GET HIS VIEWS
You may learn the real reason you’re not getting great sex. For instance, he may have avoided a certain position because he was too shy to bring it up. Or, he skips foreplay because he assumes you’re tired. If he gets defensive at this point, go into damage control mode – don’t interrupt him and ask follow-up questions to show you were listening. If all else fails, heap more praise on him – compliments will make it hard for him to stay angry.
STEP 4: BRAINSTORM A FIX TOGETHER
See where you can compromise. For instance, if you’re always too tired for sex after work, suggest morning or weekend sex – it’ll make the deed much more enjoyable for you. Or, if one of your complaints is that your sex life is getting stale, do some research together on new sex positions to try out. You don’t have to agree to everything, especially if he suggests moves or toys you’re uncomfortable with – but do suggest alternative positions you’re willing to try.
Expert sources: Dr Angela Ng Wing Ying, family physician at & vice-chairperson fo the Hong Kong Association of Sexuality Educators, Researchers & Therapists, and Dinah Lee-Phua, head of research & development at Focus on the Family Singapore.
This story was first published in Her World magazine July 2014 issue.