Dear Therapist: I had a second miscarriage, and I think my husband is cheating on me

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

I had a (second) miscarriage recently but the husband has been too busy with work (he's a director at a local attraction) and hasn't been physically around.

Despite the physical and emotional pain, I tried to go about doing my usual routine of dropping/pick-up our preschool daughter and living our daily lives. There hasn't been any text during the day from the husband while my closest friends (who found out about the miscarriage) have been checking in and sending gifts of chicken essence, dinner and flowers. This makes me wonder how much my husband cares.

I've told myself to be the understanding wife to the overwhelmed husband. I even prepared a lunchbox for him to bring to work so that he eats healthier and in case he needs to eat at the desk.

But, I just found two condoms in his work bag. When I asked him about them (in tears), he said he doesn't know that they were there at first. He then said that he brings that bag when we travel too. I rebutted with some other comments all of which he had an answer to. I really don't know what to believe but I let it slide. I cooked dinner and we had it together. I even asked him to press my sore back. I made him lunch for the next day.

I thought I could let it go but the thought is haunting me. I cried to work and at work. I'm just pushing myself to do what I need to at work because of my responsibilities, but deep inside, I'm hurting.

From, Hurting Wife

Dear Hurting Wife,

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m pleased you have had friends close by to care for you.

Miscarriage is a painful experience on so many levels. It can also become something that if we don’t talk about it, goes on to create waves of trauma, both inside us and within our relationships.

Having your husband not talk about the experience with you must have felt very isolating and upsetting. Most likely he does not know how to speak about it and may not be able to process his own feelings around the issue.

It is completely understandable that finding the condoms in his work bag feels hurtful, and even more so that his response was inconsistent. The idea that he may have been with another woman, especially during this time feels like a deep betrayal. Here are some areas to explore for your healing:

Understanding betrayal trauma

Betrayal occurs when we feel that our trust has been breached. It causes us to feel shocked, confused, and feel the need to armour up and protect ourselves. One of the ways it can manifest is that we stop being vulnerable, speaking authentically and reaching out for connection and care.

While this is a valid response, it stops us from being able to build back pathways to trust and intimacy. Healing takes time; however, it needs to begin with honest conversations about our feelings of hurt, the relational agreements that were breached, or expectations not fulfilled.

The bridge back to trust consists of repeated moments of honesty, care and a lived experience of words and actions matching. Once there is honesty between the two of you, you can decide if repair is a path you wish to explore together, or not. This is a complex choice, particularly when there are young children involved. As you go through this process, call on your friends and family for emotional support. It is often the net of care around us that supports us through times like these.

Healing from a miscarriage

Miscarriage takes a toll on both the body and the mind. Making space to grieve lost life is very important. You may find that the grief comes in waves and may be triggered in all kinds of moments for weeks and months to come. It may also take one or more cycles for your menstruation to ‘normalise’ and your body to feel healed.

Take care to be gentle with your body, rest as much as possible, reduce any intense exercise, and eat well. You may also like to engage in a ritual around honouring the lost life inside you. This can be as simple as lighting a candle, a moment of reflection or a warm intentional shower or bath. Self-care is essential to healing.

Just as women grieve miscarriage so do men. Encourage your husband to talk about his feelings with you and his close friends. Learning to heal both together and apart is important for moving through this time as a family.

XO,
Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.