Dear Therapist: How can I start loving myself?

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In this column Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

Basically, I feel inferior deep down. I am not pretty, nor do I have a good figure nor am I smart nor rich. I don’t feel that I am good enough deep down. On the surface, I seem to convince myself that I am ‘happy’ with my current self.

So even when I try not to let others’ opinions of me weigh me down, I still get affected deep down. Even if it’s on the surface, I try to brush it off.

From, Validation Seeker

Dear Validation Seeker

We all need love and validation. It’s a basic human need. So first and foremost, it is important to stop shaming yourself for having a really valid human experience. Seeking love and validation can be a problem when we are doing it to mask feeling unworthy or unlovable. This usually takes us away from being our authentic selves, developing healthy relationships and doing the healing work required to learn to be both self-caring and compassionate.

The truth is, we are all worthy of love. And we all need validation. No matter our appearance, skill, wealth or status.

If we don’t believe it, it is always because we have been taught we are not worthy or invalid by external influences.

This may have been learned through our parents/family unit, our culture, our community, commerce & capitalism or media. In many cases the incoming messaging teaches us that we have to tie ourselves in knots to receive a semblance of the validation and love that we deserve.

Healing asks us to learn to externalise all of this false messaging and learn to orient towards love and validation.

Here are some important things to know:

Our early days imprint our capacity for self-worth

As babies and young children, ideally, we will be shown how valid, worthy and lovable we are by our parents. We learn through mirroring and reflection. If our parents haven’t reflected and affirmed our inherent value to us, we will likely be unable to develop into adults who truly know how to love ourselves or be self-caring and self-compassionate.

Healing asks us to engage in a process of re-parenting which means giving ourselves the kind of love and care we needed early on, as well as setting boundaries with ourselves when we start to be self-shaming or orienting to people/relationships that will perpetuate the feeling of being unworthy.

This is a long, complex journey that will have ups and downs. It will also likely demand that we get in touch with feelings of both grief and anger as we realise that we did not get the love we deserved and needed to give us a self-loving imprint.

Relationships can harm or heal

If we have been shown that we are unworthy early on, it’s likely that we will unconsciously seek out relationship dynamics that feel similar and re-affirm feelings of low self-worth and re-trigger self-abandoning behaviour where we either lose authenticity in order to receive love and approval or become anxious, needy or demanding.

As we heal, we have to take stock of our relationships in the present and ask ourselves if we are surrounding ourselves with people who don’t value us. It may be that you need to start setting boundaries with people who don’t value you and boundaries with your own tendencies to seek or demand validation from people who won’t give it to you.

At the same time, you may start seeking out new relationships with people who respect and care for you as a bare minimum. You deserve it!

Tune out the self-help junk

There’s a lot of self-help junk out there that claims you need to love yourself before you can love others or be loved. This information is untrue and damaging. As you continue on your healing journey, it’s important that you embrace connections and intimacy along the way. There’s no healed state that will make you ready for love and connection. You’ve been ready, deserving and worthy all along. Open yourself to receive, just as you are and tune out any more messages that tell you that you need to be changed in order to love and be loved.

Sending you affirmation and validation as you continue on the path to love in every direction.

Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.