Dear Therapist: How can I get over a cheating partner?

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In this brand new column Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

Two years ago, I found out that my partner was cheating on me. We had been dating for five years and seriously contemplating marriage when I received a call one day from the "other woman". Breaking up was difficult, but I have since moved on and started dating again recently.

However, I have realised that I have started gatekeeping my feelings/emotions. I cannot get emotionally vulnerable with anyone — forget a new partner, I have also started distancing myself from close friends, and can't seem to let my guard down. I rarely talk about how I feel and never ask for help unless the situation is dire.

I have an inkling that it has to do with my scumbag ex. But it’s been two years already, and I should be ok by now. What is wrong with me?

Single And Supposed To Be Loving It

Dear Single And Supposed To Be Loving It

There is nothing wrong with you.

Vulnerability is scary

Vulnerability can feel hard, scary or impossible for many of us… particularly if we have been hurt in the past. When we are vulnerable, we open ourselves up not only to intimacy, but to rejection, abandonment, betrayal or harm. When we shut down or put on the ‘strong woman’ armour, we protect ourselves, but we also block ourselves from what we really crave… each other.

Unlinking Past from Present

When we have been betrayed in the past, we will naturally put a guard up to protect ourselves to make sure we don’t get hurt again. While it’s important to protect our hearts, it’s also important to learn to be vulnerable again with people that we trust. Sometimes it can feel like we don’t know whom to trust, because any sign of intimacy or any time we think about sharing, we simply shut down or run.

Healing asks us to learn to unlink the present from the past. If there’s someone we want to learn to be vulnerable with, we can ask ourselves, "Where does my fear of vulnerability come from, and is it needed here? Is this person a safe person or not?"

Learning to discern if we trust someone can help us begin to feel safer with our vulnerability, which will lead to authentic sharing of emotion, stories and support.

Dipping our toes in

Vulnerability isn’t an all or nothing experience. We can slowly dip our toes into the waters of vulnerability to inquire "Am I safe here? Am I welcome?" Through repeated experiences of learning that our vulnerability is not only welcome but cherished, our trust will build again and our heart will begin to open at the right time with the right people. There’s a certain safety that comes with knowing we can choose how much we share, and with whom. Our choice gives us power!

Processing the past

Your instinct that your break-up is blocking you is likely right. When we don’t process past experiences they may stay inside us and affect the way we perceive, express and relate. They go on to become trauma. However, we can always heal.

There’s a saying that says "Time heals all wounds" but this isn’t always true. Sometimes in order to move past something that has hurt us, we need to process it. This means making sense of how it has affected us, the emotions that it stirred and what it’s stopping us from experiencing now. As we process, we begin to heal. You can try to do this on your own by journalling about the experience or talking to loved ones. You may also want to consider working with a therapist. When we share our stories with a safe person, healing is inevitable.

Sending you a wave of courage as you learn to open your heart again,

XO,
Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.