Dear Therapist: How can I be there for a grieving friend?

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

I have a question about dealing with grief. My friend lost her mum to cancer two years ago, and I think she is still finding it hard to deal with the grief particularly because she has been the main caregiver to her mum. She is, however, resistant to seeing a therapist. In her case, is it even possible for her accept/move on from her mum’s death?

From, Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

Grief is a complex and non-linear process. The journey is unique for everyone, and it cannot be rushed or forced. The loss of a loved one is often traumatic, and the loss of our mother is one of the most existential experiences we can go through. While therapy can certainly be helpful, the person needs to want to explore their grief. There are many other ways to heal and there are also many ways that you can show up as a friend that supports her healing. Here are some concepts for you to explore:

Meet her where she is

We tend to find it hard to sit with grief – our own and each other’s. So, when we see someone we care about grieving, it’s as if we want to mop up the grief ourselves or quickly move them to the other side of it. Healing asks us to learn to sit with grief and move within or alongside it, in order to give it a chance to truly heal. The kindest thing we can do for someone who is grieving is to meet them in it, rather than try to get them out of it.

This may mean that the vibe of the relationship changes for a period. It may also mean we need to learn to get comfortable with grief ourselves, and perhaps to get really honest with ourselves about how much support we can offer. We may find that we have our own healing work to do in the process. In order to meet your friend where she is, ask yourself: ‘What does she need from me in this moment?’, rather than ‘How can I make her grief go away?’. This is a paradigm shift in relational healing and will allow you to show up as a force of healing in her world.

Maternal loss and existential grief

When we lose our mother, it is as if we lose our tether to the world. No matter how good, bad or complicated our relationship with our mother is/was, when she is no longer living and breathing, we will be affected on the deepest level. If you consider that our mothers gave us life, for some of us, their passing can feel like the life has been taken out of us, or we don’t know how to exist anymore.

This existential experience exists on a spectrum and can be intensified if we have been parentified at an early age or taken on the role of carer later in life (like your friend). As a friend, being able to empathise with the enormity of this existential experience is really important. You can try validating her experience with words like ‘I can imagine you might feel really untethered right now.’ Sometimes simple validations of the existential grieving experience can really help bring someone down to earth and feel less alone in the world. Showing up consistently with kindness, care and connection will help her slowly find new ways to tether to the world and reform to ‘life after mother.’

Redirection of care

Because your friend was a caregiver for her mother, she may now feel like she is overflowing with a strange mix of both love and grief. The sentiment is something like: ‘Where do I put all my care now?’ You can help your friend to find ways to offer her care both to herself and to others.

Encouraging acts of self-care, and even engaging with them as part of a girl hangout session could be really helpful. You may also help her engage in some form of ‘acts of service’, which may range from volunteering, to simply cooking a meal for friends and family. Finding the balance of self-care and caring for others is helpful through and beyond the grieving process.

The loss of a loved one is never easy. It’s important to know that we are designed to heal. And when we tap into our innate human intelligence we can show up as a source of healing for others. Your intention and your presence are the greatest gift you can offer your friend.

Sending you and your friend compassion as you heal.

Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.