Ask The Expert: My 20-year-old daughter is dating a 40-year-old man. Should I be worried?

It’s a scenario that would make most parents feel apprehensive – their child dating someone significantly older. How should one handle this, and is there real cause for concern?

We speak to Julianne Bjork Yang, a counsellor at Alliance Counselling, for advice on how to express your concerns without escalating the situation.

Age-gap relationships are challenging

I hear your worry and understand if your protective instinct is kicking in. Age-gap relationships are challenging because they do involve power imbalances, based on differences in emotional maturity, relationship experience, financial power, and more. Your daughter is still figuring out her identity and what she truly needs in a relationship. Meanwhile, a 40-year-old has likely established their own patterns and expectations already.

As your daughter navigates the adult world, of course you want her to be safe. When children become adults, though, the parent role shifts: It becomes less about telling children what to do, and more about mentoring and helping them to create an inner compass with which to navigate their own future.

Ask open-ended questions

To help your daughter develop her inner wisdom, it’ll help to be curious and ask open-ended questions. Your genuine curiosity will not only help reflect on her own feelings, but also show her that you want to understand her better. I wonder how they met and what keeps her in the relationship.

How does he treat her? How does she feel around him? Also, what is he getting out of the relationship and what is his relationship history? If she’s unsure about him, these are the very questions she can ask him, and herself.

In Singapore, family advice carries weight and family bonds run deep, yet pushing our children too hard might make them hide things from us, out of fear. If your daughter feels she can’t open up to you, you’ve now got two problems on your hands: She’s in a potentially risky relationship and you don’t know if she’s okay.

Listen with an open mind

When talking to her, lead with curiosity by asking questions and trying to listen with an open mind. As best you can, let her know that you love her and that you’re just worried about the relationship, not disappointed in her. Listen out for her uncertainties and keep conversations open rather than forbidding the relationship outright. Of course, if you discover that she’s unsafe and unable to protect herself, you do need to do something and discuss this with her

Keep an eye for warning signs

Sometimes, people seek younger partners because they enjoy having the upper hand, or because someone their own age won’t tolerate certain behaviors. If you know that the man has a pattern of pursuing much younger women, that is concerning. Help your daughter notice warning signs, including if he rushes physical intimacy, dismisses her opinions, keeps secrets, or is unreliable and confuses her.

What matters is that she knows she’s not alone when making relationship decisions. If need be, encourage her to seek professional help from a therapist. This may be an option if she feels uneasy talking to you, but you believe she needs help. 

Ultimately, in saying it’s okay to talk about this issue, you’re helping her build her sense of self. By guiding her now, you are nurturing her ability to make wise, healthy choices for herself in the future.

Julianne Bjork Yang is a Norwegian-Chinese counsellor at Alliance Counselling, who offers culturally sensitive therapy to individual adults/teens and parent coaching. She specialises in helping people navigate relationship issues and difficult emotions, and has a special interest in men’s mental health.