Should you get a joint bank account with your partner?

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good conversation. Whether it’s about work, a lack of work, my kids, my kids being annoying. The only thing I don’t like talking about – and which I am very bad at – is money.

My parents never talked about money – only about the importance of saving. Which, while a lofty goal, is not the same as financial literacy. My husband (ironically a maths graduate) and I have largely kept our finances separate because it’s worked for us, but as the kids get older, I’ve begun to wonder if a joint bank account would be a better way. I spoke with Jessica Peh, a financial advisor with finexis, a financial advisory firm, and Kiki Mohan, a psychotherapist with Alliance Counselling for their thoughts on how couples' should navigate conversations around money.

The mistakes we make

In a Well newsletter from the New York Times on couples and money issues, having different values stood out as one of the main reasons couples’ find themselves in conflict about money. “We tend to internalise financial lessons from our families,” Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist says, “But conflicts arise when romantic partners assume that their point of view is the only point of view instead of taking the time to explore each other’s financial stories, she said. “This leads to sometimes vicious fights, arguing over whose perspective is the ‘right’ one”. 

“Money tends to have a polarising effect on partners as it is seen as emotional, and personal and it can lead to power and control dynamics in a relationship,” adds Mohan. She notes the topic is one of the top three issues that couples bring up in their sessions. “They don't always refer to [money or finance] directly. Many a time it's brought up as a matter of safety, power, control, existential worries, privilege, parenting, relationship roles, etc." she says.

Adds Jessica, “Many of these issues come up silently. I had this couple who were both working. But after having a baby, the wife decided to stop and be with their child. She was spending money from their joint account during this time and started to feel very stressed about spending on herself, for a new haircut, for example.” Peh believes these are the types of conversations couples need to have, especially when opening a joint account or considering to fully combine their finances. 

Mohan acknowledges that these conversations can be very tricky for couples when their financial earnings are different. “For a partner who may not be the primary financial provider, it can be tricky to raise conversations around transparency and the financial future. It can also be hard for them to express their own needs towards role expectations when it comes to housework, childcare, contributing towards the finances and more broadly their overall needs in the relationship due to these dynamics.” 

Talking through your life stages

Both Mohan and Peh stress the importance of communicating regularly and checking in whenever life changes. “Financial goals can be impacted when families expand to include kids, or if one of the partners takes time off to raise their kids or care for elderly parents or if a partner loses their job,” says Mohan. She suggests couples' ask themselves these questions:

• What does money mean for me? (It is power, safety, independence, freedom, luxury, etc)? 
• What does financial stability mean for me? 
• What does it mean for me to continue to have my own identity and independence alongside my relationship identity with my partner?  
• How much financial information am I willing to share with my partner and how much do I expect my partner to share with me? 

She adds couples should set healthy boundaries for themselves individually and then work together to form clear ideas of what financial transparency means for each other.

Peh has had clients in such situations. “Let's say at the beginning, the man is earning more than the woman, so the man contributes more. But because of that, the woman might feel pressured if she spends on herself from the joint account. But who knows, in the future the woman might earn more, or they might decide to have children. So it’s important to keep discussing it.” One of her suggestions is to use a joint account for only certain events. 

Answering the difficult questions

Talking about money is tough. So Mohan encourages couples to be open and collaborative when it comes to discussing it. “It helps to remember that conversations about money have symbolic meaning, and to approach [these conversations] with curiosity about their partner’s experience and dreams around money and financial stability, as much as towards building a shared financial vision.” 

She offers three tips to keep in mind when talking about money:

1. Set aside time for the conversation: Both of you should be prepared and available for this. It's important to create the space for these difficult conversations, rather than rush through it or try to fit it into a busy day.
2. Ask and be prepared to answer open-ended questions – no matter how uncomfortable: These questions can include “What was the conversation around money and finance while you were growing up?” “How do you see our financial future?” or “What does financial transparency mean for you?”
3. Create a shared financial vision, towards current spending and life plans: This can include dreams, healthcare, retirement, parental care etc. Reaching out to a professional who can help with expert advice on money matters like a financial advisor. 
4. Have regular, “state of union” check-ins to keep track of the progress towards the financial vision you both have set up. 

As a financial advisor, Peh is adamant about the importance of the latter. “People have this misconception that if they see a financial advisor, they have to do something with them. But it’s really more about gaining knowledge and knowing what’s to come. These advisors are meeting so many peopl on a daily basis, they’re speaking to so many couples with different profiles, and so they are able to give you a quick view about a potential situation.” She recommends seeing one on a yearly basis, touching base and just finding out what other people are doing in the same situations and what they can potentially prepare for. 

Good groundwork means a solid foundation 

It’s never too late or too early to start planning your money as a couple. Whether that means opening a joint account for investment or keeping your finances completely separate, as long as it works for you and your family that’s all that matters. More importantly, it's about making sure there’s an open line of communication between you and your partner and that it stays open.

Says Mohan, “Having conversations around money can provide a solid foundation for the relationship to surf through these life changes. It’s important to keep in mind that the solution you arrive at caters to your unique relationship needs and goals and may be different to others' circumstances and needs.”