It isn’t wrong to want: Why does asking for what we deserve feel so difficult?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever typed out a perfectly reasonable request, stared at it for five minutes, then added a “no worries if not!”, a smiley face emoji, and three exclamation marks. Or perhaps, “I’m okay with anything” has unknowingly become your standard response in your day to day, even if you absolutely have a preference.

You’re not alone. Somewhere along the way, many of us learnt to soften our asks. We cushion our requests, downplay our achievements, and convince ourselves that we’re asking for too much. So it’s no surprise that for many women, expressing what we want – even when we’ve earned it – doesn’t come naturally.

Joy Chew, a 23-year-old copywriting intern, knows the feeling well. “Sometimes, I feel that I can’t be proud of my achievements because that would seem cocky,” she says.

For 31-year-old Atarah Yeo, who works in business development, a similar struggle shows up in the office. Leading a meeting? No problem. But asking a male colleague to file documents or update data? That’s somehow much harder. So instead, she begrudgingly picks up the slack herself.

“I forget that I’m still the same leader that I was in the meeting room,” she reflects. “When it’s one on one, I realise I just want to be a nice person – someone who makes people feel comfortable.”

She avoids direct confrontation, fearing it will make her unlikeable. “Because what if they see me as naggy? Or someone that adds burden to them? Or what if they reject my request?”

Their experiences aren’t unique. In fact, the reluctance to ask for what we want is something many women have been socialised into, according to human connection specialist Simone Heng.

“As a girl, you’re meant to be feminine and not ambitious,” she observes. “That was considered unattractive and non-optimal.”

Growing up in an Asian family, she adds, she learnt that asking for favours often came with strings attached. Asking for what you want can also feel like exposing your dreams and ambitions, opening yourself up to judgement or ridicule.

However, Simone argues that learning to voice our needs is a skill worth cultivating. Working in the Middle East at the age of 24 taught her that in some cultures, if you don’t say what you want, you won’t get anywhere.

“If people want to work in different global markets and with international people within their organisations, it’s something that we should all get better at,” she says.

Learning to ask for what we want isn’t about becoming louder for the sake of it. It’s about recognising that our needs deserve space too.