Envy: The career emotion we don’t talk about and why it changed everything for me

I didn’t want to admit it.

But there I was, lying in bed at 11:30 pm, scrolling through LinkedIn, when I saw the announcement – her promotion. Her moment. Her photo framed with congratulatory emojis and a caption that read, “So proud to lead this next phase of growth…”

She was younger. Less experienced. I had coached her once, years ago.
Now she was leapfrogging me.

I tapped “Like.” Then I stared at the screen, frozen.

I wasn’t just frustrated. I wasn’t just tired.

I was jealous. And I hated myself for it.

Because envy isn’t an emotion women are supposed to have -  especially not at work. We’re told to support each other. Celebrate each other. Clap the loudest.

But in that moment, I didn’t want to clap. I wanted to disappear.

And then I wanted to be her.

The feeling we don’t name

The truth is, envy is one of the most taboo emotions in the workplace - especially for women. We’re taught to rebrand it as “comparison” or “motivation.”

But let’s call it what it is: That hollow ache in your chest when someone else gets what you wanted. The voice in your head that says, “That should’ve been me.”

Envy is desire wrapped in shame. And it’s not a flaw. It’s a mirror.

What envy really teaches us

When I unpacked what I was feeling that night, I realised it wasn’t about her title. It was about visibility.

It was the way her voice seemed to matter. The way people listened. It was how her success was seen - and mine felt quiet and hidden.

I’d spent months delivering results behind the scenes, and suddenly I felt like I didn’t exist.

That’s when it clicked. I didn’t envy her. I envied the permission she gave herself to be seen, to take up space, and to lead out loud.

Then I realised that envy didn’t make me weak. Instead, it made me honest. It showed me what I wanted, but hadn’t admitted to myself yet.

When envy spirals

Here’s the trap: Envy doesn’t just stay in that one moment. Instead, it loops.

A few days later, I saw someone else post about a speaking engagement I wanted. Then another woman I admire shared a photo with a leader I’d been trying to meet. And just like that, I was in a comparison spiral - measuring my worth against their wins.

I realised that envy isn’t always loud. Sometimes it shows up in the scroll. In the perfectly worded captions. In the curated achievements. In the highlight reel that makes your own life feel like a rough draft.

But I’ve learned that the spiral stops when you stop hiding from it. Envy becomes powerful when you ask it what it’s trying to show you.

Owning my sense of envy

One of the most freeing things I ever did was admit envy out loud.
I said to a peer, “I saw you land that opportunity - and honestly? It triggered me. But also… it taught me something about what I want.”

She didn’t flinch. To my surprise, she nodded. And then she told me the full story behind what appeared to be a perfect win. The doubt. The risk. The self-doubt she pushed through to take the space she now had.

That’s the power of naming envy. It turns isolation into insight. It turns silence into strategy.

What to do when envy shows up

It doesn’t matter if you’re early in your career or decades in – envy can strike in the most surprising ways. And when you notice yourself experiencing envy, don’t judge yourself for it.

Instead, use it to your advantage and let it point you toward your next bold move.

Here’s what I do now:

1. Name it

Say it out loud. Not in shame, but in clarity.
Try: “This is envy. That means there’s something here I care about.”

2. Get specific

Ask yourself, “What exactly am I envious of? The stage? The recognition? The autonomy?
This clarity will turn comparison into direction.

3. Rewrite the story

Instead of thinking “She’s better than me,” ask yourself “What can I learn from how she positioned herself?”

Use it as a blueprint, not a bruise.

4. Reach out

Some of my most valuable insights came from messaging the very women I envied. What I found was that most were willing to share the messy behind- the- scenes. This knowledge that they too had to work hard to get to where they are changes everything.

5. Build your own stage

Don’t wait for someone to hand you visibility. Create it.

Write the post. Start the podcast. Share your work before you feel “ready.” Your voice deserves the mic too.

The real gift of envy

As I’ve mentioned earlier – envy is not a weakness. It’s not a sign that you’re bitter or behind.
It’s an emotional flashlight, illuminating the places you’re still playing small.

These days, I don’t pretend I’m above envy. I listen to it. And then I allow it show me what I want more of. And then I turn that into action.

Because envy, when met with honesty and courage, will always move you forward.

What’s one moment you recently felt envy, and what was it really pointing to?

Uma Thana Balasingam is the architect of RAW Leadership. She is also the founder and CEO of The Elevate Group and the Lean In Network in Singapore, and was formerly Vice President, Partner & Commercial Sales, Asia Pacific & Japan, VMware. For Her World, she writes about embracing emotions in the workplace.