Age-gap Relationships: Is it a good idea to date a much older man?

Frowned upon in society?

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Also be aware that age-gap relationships could face societal disapproval. Dr Games cites terms such as ‘cradle robber’, which implies that older men are stealing younger women, and ‘gold digger’, which insinuates that younger partners pursue older counterparts for money and resources. However, these assumptions tend to be far from the truth.

Dr Games says research has revealed that many couples with age differences enjoy healthy, fulfilling, loving relationships. In those relationships which have come together without ulterior motives or emotional childhood issues, many such pairings are strong, stable and able to withstand societal scrutiny.

“We can safely assume that there will always be couples that seek to pair up for ulterior motives, perhaps in pursuit of a marriage of convenience,” she reveals. “But research also seems to suggest that, happily, true love is still alive and well.

“People will ask questions, they'll make comments that are probably pretty annoying, so be prepared with a response. Depending on who the person is, you might actually feel like you can get into an explanation of the relationship, but other times, it might not feel necessary, so just be prepared with an authentic response,” she adds.

Miki Tan, 47, has been with her husband for 10 years. He is 12 years older than her and she reveals that the general reaction she gets when people find out their age difference is, “OMG! He is soooooo OLD!!!”

“My closer girlfriends were worried that I will have to care for him when he becomes older and falls sick,” she says. “But I feel, in any relationship, we should care for each other in sickness or in health. I did not really face any disapproval as this is my second marriage so I guess all rules were relaxed, especially when it came to my parents’ approval.”

The chartered accountant admits that, before they got into a relationship, she was concerned about whether he could relate to a younger person and her thoughts. However, the relationship has turned out to be a happy one.

“Being with a much older man is really different; he is more mature, wiser and handles difficult situations more calmly,” she explains. “He has the experience of having been there and done that. I have learnt a lot from his greater life experience. With all these traits, he brings me a deeper sense of security.

“He also shows much tenderness and care towards me as I am a 'baby' to him, given the 12-year age gap. Sometimes, he can become a little paternal and overprotective but this is not really a big issue for me,” she adds.

Wendy Yan, a 30-year-old events manager, has a 12-year age gap with her partner too. They've been together for nine months and she admits that the age difference never worried her. She reveals that it's a better relationship than her previous ones as he takes care of her more and is more mature. It's also a plus that he's financially stable and doesn't want to play around at his age. In fact, her loved ones have been encouraging of the relationship and say it's good to have a guy who really takes care of her.

But before you pursue a relationship with an older man, regardless of age, it's important to take into consideration whether the both of you are in similar life stages and goals. Priya S, 38, dated a man seven years older than her when she was in her early 30s. The freelance writer found the relationship 'boring' as they didn't have much in common and “he wanted to stay in and watch movies every weekend while I wanted to go out and mingle with friends”. She broke it off after eight months as she felt they didn't have a lot to talk about and were probably at different stages of their lives.

When age gaps are red flags

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A 15-year age gap, for example, seems fine if one partner is 35 and the other is 50, but it might not sit as comfortably with others if one was 16 and their partner 31. However, it might not be wise to just look at ages to determine whether a relationship is an acceptable one. It's not as simple as dismissing every age-gap relationship as veering into grooming territory.

Dr Games says that a “prescriptive, one-size-fits-all rule between consenting adults cannot work because it ignores the complexities of desire and human relationships”. This is because sometimes we are attracted to people precisely because we perceive they hold some power over us. And we can be drawn towards those who are more confident or charismatic than we are.

“It’s possible to find yourself disempowered by someone a similar age to you simply because they have the kind of personality that makes them want to control others,” she elaborates. “Focusing over which age gaps are acceptable occludes the wider range of contexts in which abuse occurs.”

“It’s more helpful to listen to people when their agency is being stymied by someone else, when they tell us they have been treated badly. It’s best we trust people when they tell us that their relationships are abusive; equally, it’s better to trust when they tell us (and we can see from their behaviours and mood) that they’re fine,” she adds.

“If the relationship(s) are healthy then the issue isn’t a moral or legal dilemma,” says Dr Games. “I would wonder what might be happening internally for the person who is only seeking out significantly younger partners – is there some childhood trauma, unmet emotional needs or unresolved attachment issues? However, if the relationship is healthy for both people then that’s the most important factor.”

Red flags and life goals

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Age-gap relationships – like every other relationship – come with pros and cons. Some are a bit different to what you'd expect when dating someone closer in age.

Dr Games lists some of them:

Pros:
* Financial stability – research has shown that the older partner may have accrued wealth due to time of life.
Different viewpoints – both spouses must have different perspectives in life since they were brought up at different times. So, this might help each other in understanding and accepting newer ideas.
Better balance – not both working at the same time, maybe one retires and the other is still working providing stability for both later in the older partner’s life. The older partner can support more within the home.
Friendships – having a range of friends can help with perspective and becoming more open-minded.

Cons:
* Family planning – may impact the ability to spend time building the relationship if there is pressure on starting a family due to the age gap.
Values – usually a coupling is due to having similar values and beliefs.
Priorities – priorities may change as life stages differ and priorities may look illogical to the other which may create a gap.
Friendships – the couple might not have a common friend circle. They might attend gatherings with different age-group people that they might not enjoy.

There are also some red flags to look out for. The couple may experience issues dating because they are at different stages in their lives. For example, while one might want to go out and dance with friends, the other might have no interest in spending time that way.

Dr Games points out it's important to consider what your relationship will look like down the line. While the bigger age differences aren't as noticeable when you're both middle-aged, “what happens once one of you is a senior and the other isn't?”. You need to consider these big-picture questions before you decide to spend your life together.

“If you agree with each other on the big things, smaller things like having different tastes in music likely won't be as big of a deal,” she adds. “Just like in any relationship, you don't have to (and won't) agree on everything all the time. Although it might seem like you're farther apart on some topics than you would be if you're closer in age, other factors besides age might play a role in that.”

Finally, your life goals should be aligned too. “Ask yourself some key questions before diving into something. Things like future goals, where you want to live, if you want a family, if you want religion to be part of your life and if you see this person fitting in with your family and friends,” says Dr Games.