6 relationship red flags that are actually green flags

We’re often sold the idea that a relationship has to be exciting 24/7 for it to be ‘right’. You know, that crazy stupid love where your partner is constantly surprising you and you’re buzzing just from being with each other. The truth is, being in a relationship long-term is (unfortunately) a lot less exciting. It’s also filled with highs and lows. And it’s normal to feel ‘bored’ sometimes – but in a good way. A relationship can turn into somewhat of a routine where you both do the same things over and over again, especially if you’re living together. However, this is a sign of a safe, secure relationship, where you’re happy doing mundane things together, so it isn’t a red flag.

They’ve either never had a partner before or only been in short-term relationships but you’re looking for a lifelong one and aren’t sure if they have the qualities to be in one. Being in relationships teach us what we want (and don’t want) from a partner. We also learn a lot about ourselves and, hopefully, change accordingly to become a better person and partner. But being in many relationships could also result in a lot of baggage. Think of the hurt and resentment we sometimes carry over to the next person we get romantically involved with. This is why not having much relationship experience could be a good thing as they can start with a clean slate and bask in the joy that being in a happy relationship brings.

Your partner doesn’t splurge on gifts and always looks for budget options when you’re on holiday. They might not seem like a good catch but them being careful with their money could be a desirable trait. “If a guy is very stingy on dates, it’s a major turn off,” says Ling*, 34, “but in the long run it shows that he can plan his finances well.”

You’ll appreciate how good they are with money when you’re more settled in the relationship. So as long as they’re not doing any ‘kiasu’ moves like using coupons to buy everything, see this as a positive.

Arguments per se aren’t bad for relationships. It’s what you argue about and how you do this that matters. It’s impossible to find someone who will agree with you on everything – there are bound to be arguments at some point. As long as the arguments are respectful, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Healthy arguments means no screaming matches or blame games. It also means not avoiding whatever it is you’re arguing about by walking away. And not bringing up things from, say, three fights ago. Dealing with uncomfortable conversations together is how couples handle arguments so pay attention to the way you’re arguing decide if it’s a red or green flag.

“We used to argue often and I was upset about it until I realised our fights were about him wanting me to be a better person,” Dinah*, 38, shares. “For example, he would remind me about eating better and I’d get upset that he was ‘nagging’. It was actually him showing he cared.”

Your partner’s nose is constantly in a book or they are always coming up with new art pieces. They enjoys going for language classes or picking up new skills such as painting or photography. Basically, your partner likes doing things that don’t involve you. Just because they enjoys solo activities doesn’t mean that they won’t be good at being in a relationship.

“A guy’s interests could revolve around ‘introverted’ activities like reading but then he’ll turn out to be a great conversationalist as he’s well read,” says Nisha*, 37.

There are lots of skills your partner could pick up from such hobbies. For example, patience is an important quality when doing creative hobbies like art, and who doesn’t want a partner who’s patient? As long as they are fully present when they’re with you, let them enjoy their me-time with these activities. Don’t forget that you don’t have to be joined at the hip to have a successful relationship – having separate lives and interests is a big plus.

Yes, this could be seen as a ‘problem’. Especially if you’re the type who needs to have everything planned. But taking things one day at a time is a less stressful way of doing things. Imagine not being worked up about something not going according to plan. What might seem to some as being ‘too relaxed’ about things is someone who just goes with the flow to others. It’s important to have goals in life but it’s not necessary to have every day planned out so don’t think of it as a bad thing if your partner doesn’t see the need to control things on a daily basis.

*not their real names

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