Why sex education in Singapore needs to get less conservative

In Singapore, Dr Angela Tan, Founder and Intimacy Coach at Academy of Relationship and Sex, feels sex education is mainly based on anatomy and by extension, procreation. “Genitals are not shown because it is shameful,” she says, adding that there is still a sense of shame and hiding around talking about sex. “It’s just about how the anatomy works.”

By taking such a moralistic standpoint, Dr. Tan believes it’s hard for anyone (including parents talking to children) to come at the topic from a more holistic, pleasure-related point of view.

“[Teachers] usually quote consent, boundaries, and commitments from movies. It’s not something that is relatable to the audience.” She believes that as a result of this, when children reach their preteens and start to get curious above sex, they start looking for information elsewhere, often to unreliable sources.

That is the last thing a parent wants. “I don’t actually feel comfortable with the idea that my daughters would learn about sex and what a healthy relationship looks like from anyone other than me,” says Denise* a mum to two girls. “There’s a lot of content out there that objectifies women or disrespects them,” she adds. “That’s not how I want my daughters to understand their sexual pleasure.”

A survey conducted by AWARE, a non-profit organisation focused on gender equality, and Blackbox Research indicated that most parents agreed that they would be the best people to impart sex education to their children. However, many admitted they held back because they were either embarrassed or lacked the confidence to broach the topic, and were afraid that having the conversation would encourage their children to engage in sex at an inappropriate age.

When asked what topics they would like schools to cover in Sex Education classes, 86 per cent among the 564 respondents of the survey ranked sexual consent and sexual self-protection as their highest priority. However, it’s noted that currently, these topics are taught to promote abstinence. Doing so, says Shailey Hingorani, Head of Research and Advocacy at AWARE, fails to take into consideration elements like peer pressure and hormonal changes.

What makes this lack of proper sex education as children even worse, is that as grown-ups, these children do not understand their own sexuality, or sexual enjoyment. “A good number of my clients have not seen their vulva before. There is a lot of shame and shyness involved when I ask them to,” adds Dr. Tan. She has also seen men married for decades who do not know how to pleasure their wives.

Dr Tan says that one of the common questions she gets from parents is when should they start teaching sex education to their children. “They ask me if a good time to start when they are going through puberty. The answer is ‘no’. You should start when you have a child,” she says.

Dr Tan believes that educating children about human anatomy and the differences between male and female sexual organs should begin at home. This can start by calling genitals by their proper terms, which can help them build a positive relationship with their own bodies.

As Hingorani concluded in the report: “Comprehensive sexuality education, which presents information in a factual rather than moralistic or alarmist manner, has been found to produce the outcomes that most parents desire: Youths start having sex at a later age, have fewer sexual partners, use condoms more consistently and contract sexually transmitted infections less often.”

For Denise, whose daughters are still under Primary-going age, this is how she is beginning to teach them about sex, even if it is sometimes uncomfortable for her. “I was raised in a traditional home and we didn’t use words like ‘vagina’ or ‘vulva’ openly,” she says. “But I want my girls to know the names of their body parts as a way to get comfortable with their bodies in the future.”

Dr Tan recommends the following resources for parents to get comfortable talking about sex with their kids.

• Sex with Emily, by American sex therapist, author and media personality Dr Emily Morse – she has a podcast that couples can relate to.
• Dipsea is like a community of likeminded people who share their stories, experiences with related to sex without bordering on pornography.
• Insync Medical covering everything from sexual health, identity and tips on its Instagram, an inclusive, non-judgmental space.
• Sex Ed, Declassified, an online portal by AWARE helps teens find resources based on questions they might have about sex education – it complements the organisation’s Birds & Bees workshops for parents.

This article was originally published in Singapore Women’s Weekly.

Read Next

Is sex painful? 5 positions that may help

‘I was a sex shop salesgirl’

"You've been a very bad boy": Singaporean women spill their steamiest sex fantasies