This ‘invisible work’ that women do is known as ’emotional labour’. It’s the unpaid work we do to ensure a household runs well and that everyone in the home is taken care of. The concept of emotional labour was first coined to explain what people have to do in their jobs.
Ms Mok Sin Lai, psychotherapist at Relationship Matters, explains: “Emotional labour was a term originally used to explain how workers needed to regulate their emotions when dealing with customers in the 1980s. Coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, Ph.D., the concept can now be applied to all types of relationships, not just professional ones.
“In the area of relationships, emotional labour has been widely used to describe how women shoulder the load of running the household and keeping on top of chores,” she adds.
It often falls on the woman in the relationship to carry the burden of emotional labour. However much we want domestic duties to be distributed equally, this is, unfortunately, not the case for most of us.
Stella*, 35, admits she does most of the housework and that it has always been this way, without any discussions when she and her husband got married.
“My husband is very chilled and can’t really be bothered to do housework,” she says. “I think it’s expected that I do the housework also because I guess it’s the traditional role of a woman. My mother did housework and his mother also does housework and our fathers don’t.”
When she’s too busy with work, she doesn’t do much housework but her husband doesn’t do it either. He also doesn’t mind if she lets it be, as long as the house isn’t too dirty and he has ironed clothes to wear to work.
“We don’t have children so honestly it’s not very taxing,” adds the marketing manager. “It’s just the two of us and we eat out most of the time or my mother-in-law brings food over. So it never really gets too much that I can’t handle it. And I’m the fussy one, so I will become uncomfortable before he gets uncomfortable.”
Julia*, 38, and her husband don’t have kids either and she does almost all of the cooking and cleaning. The sales director doesn’t mind it as her husband takes care of all the DIY jobs around the house. Plus, both of them aren’t fussy with food so meals are simple and they do get a takeaway every now and then too.
However, for some couples, it can get overwhelming if one party is taking on the burden of emotional labour all by themselves. And, you know that you’re doing too much and that it’s not balanced in the relationship “when you constantly feel unappreciated and a lack of support and understanding from your partner,” says Sin Lai.
This can manifest in resentment towards your partner. And this is regardless of whether they’re genuinely unconcerned that you’re doing too much or if they take on many household chores too. If it comes to this, Sin Lai advises to talk about it.
“Have an honest and gentle conversation with your partner so that resentment will not continue to build up,” she says. “It will be good to speak to him early before you end up being triggered by a small thing and erupting disproportionately. Erupting in anger might cause more hurt to yourself and the relationship.”
