Are you in a situationship? Here’s what you need to know

You’ve heard this term pop up multiple times, but do you know what it actually means? For the unacquainted, a situationship is basically a romantic or sexual relationship that isn’t considered formal or established. According to Andrea Tan, Bumble Relationship Expert, she says “Situationships by nature are ambiguous, so I tend to generally classify them as romantic and/or sexual.”

Now, situationships aren’t exactly for everyone. Depending on what your focus on life is right now, according to Dr. Angela Tan, intimacy coach and Founder of the Academy of Relationship & Sex, a situationship might be the right fit for you if you’re: a) focusing on your career or developing your passions, b) want more flexibility when it comes to dating or c) would you like to connect with someone emotionally and romantically, but keep the freedom outside of a committed relationship.

However, unlike your usual friends-with-benefits situation or booty calls, a situationship usually involves some form of emotional connection, but the status of the relationship remains ambiguous in most cases.

More often than not, people are less likely to boast about their “situationship”, and prefer not to have any labels to avoid having to confront their feelings towards one another.

“Based on my observations, I wouldn’t say people prefer situationships nowadays. In fact, due to the ambiguity of each party’s commitment levels and/or nature of interactions, most do not prefer situationships,” Andrea Tan explains. “ If both people aren’t on the same page, the relationship can become confusing and can also lead to one or both people getting hurt due to mismatched expectations and things left unsaid. What stops many from moving out of situationships is the fear of rejection or vulnerability. Perhaps, they might not have the tools they need to engage in conversations around what each party wants out of a relationship, and ultimately from each other.”

If there’s one thing we have learnt from our previous experiences when it comes to situationships, we can’t emphasise how important it is to set your boundaries with your partner so you can manage each other’s expectations.

Dr Angela Tan explains, “When you are sure that situationship is a good fit for you, make sure that the person you’re dating feels the same way. Set expectations upfront: from your preference around regular communications and date schedules, to whether you’ll be seeing other people and how to navigate that. Situationships at their best can be empowering and offer more autonomy and flexibility, but misunderstandings occur when the expectation isn’t clear.”

Situationships are not necessarily a bad thing when you find yourself in one. For those who are in, or considering entering a situationship, Andrea Tan suggests a few tips on how you can maintain a relationship with your partner.

– Establish boundaries and be clear with your partner through healthy and open communication about what you want from the onset. It would be good to have a mutually agreed upon timeline for how long the situationship stage should last before re-evaluating whether you should enter an official relationship, for example 3 or 6 months. A situationship starts to get unhealthy when it looks to infinitely roll along with no clear direction, which could potentially build resentment in either or both parties. If you do not want the setup between you to develop into something serious, make sure you communicate that clearly so there is no room for confusion.
– Check in regularly with your partner to ensure that you both still feel the same way and are comfortable with the boundaries that have been set.

Ultimately, keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing in any relationship. At the end of the day, whether you choose to be in a situationship, relationship, or something else, you should feel empowered to pursue the type of connection that feels right to you.

Situationships can be based on convenience or short-term circumstances. However, in some cases, it can also turn into a more traditional relationship when your feelings for one another start to develop. Dr Angela Tan says, “If you catch yourself getting attached and wanting something more, just say so! The worst that could happen is that they don’t feel the same way and things end sooner than they would have otherwise. But, at least, you would have had the chance to pursue something more if that’s what you really want.”

Whether it is you or him, if things start to go south with the two of you or feelings start to change in the midst of your situationship, then you will know when it’s time to end it, especially when both parties want different things. For instance, “when one party wants to stay in a situationship, while the other does not,” Andrea explains. “Another instance when it would be ready to end the situation would be when the ambiguity becomes a cover for lying or cheating by either party.”

We know, having to come to terms with what both parties want can be such a daunting situation for most of us. But we all know that there will come a time when it has to be done. Now the big question is: how exactly do you go about it and what’s the right thing to say?

Andrea Tan says, “Let me state upfront that we do not do this by “asking to have THE talk”, which is a sure way to not actually have any constructive conversation afterwards. If you do enjoy spending time with each other and want to see whether the other party feels the same way about engaging in a formal or committed relationship, my suggestion is to invite the other party to have an open discussion.

The biggest danger of situationships is that one person’s feelings will develop at a different pace to the other, and the lack of communication can make it even more confusing and difficult to navigate. If you are feeling insecure or don’t know when you stand with a romantic connection, try and bring it up in conversation in a low-pressure setting. You might not find a label that works for you at that time, but what matters most is that you and your match are clear on the boundaries of your connection.”

So if you’re the one who’s interested to invest in a committed relationship with your partner you can probably start the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “I really like spending time with you these past few months. I would like to be closer to you. Do you see us having an exclusive relationship with each other?”

Remember, it’s really important that you remain honest with the person. And it’s normal if one party doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them. Dr. Angela Tan says, “Feelings change, that’s completely normal. If you find yourself in a situationship that isn’t working for you, don’t hesitate to walk away. Likewise, if you “catch feelings” and find yourself wanting something more, be sure to say so!”

Ultimately, it’s imperative that you keep an open mind and take things at your own pace. If a relationship or in this case, a situationship doesn’t align with what is best for you, don’t be afraid to let it go. The most important thing at the end of the day is that you put your own needs and boundaries first.

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