When a man dates a younger woman he is congratulated. But when the roles are reversed and a woman is dating a younger man, it is not so easy. She is often called a “cougar” who has found herself a “toyboy”.
But why be embarrassed? You are not alone if you date a younger man, or decide to start dating again after a divorce. Movie star Hugh Jackman is 13 years younger than his wife of 25 years, Deborah-Lee Furness. And after six years of on again and off again romance Hong Kong movie star Nicholas Tse is still with singer Faye Wong, who is 11 years older.
Most recently, Korean actress Gong Hyo Jin just announced her marriage to singer songwriter Kevin Oh, who is ten years younger than her. Gong Hyo JIn is called the “Queen of romantic comedies” thanks to her roles in hit serials including “Master’s Sun,” “It’s Okay, That’s Love,” “The Producers,” and “When the Camellia Blooms.”
Fans were sent into a fluster when Kevin Oh announced the wedding on his Instagram page with a sweet message. He called Gong Hyo Jin his “soulmate” and “best friend for life.” He added, “Two years ago , I met a girl. Our love was full – yes, daunting at times — but we proved to each other that we need each other,” he said. “And soon, I’ll be able to call her my wife.”
You don’t need to be a celebrity to be open to the idea of a younger man. In Singapore, more women on dating apps are swiping right to accept a younger partner. Statistics from dating agency GaiGai reveal almost 60 percent of new female members say they are open to dating a younger man now, up from 56 per cent in 2016.
So times are changing… but there are still some delicate issues to handle when you date a younger man in Singapore. Let’s explore.
Real talk – relationship counsellor Dr Gabrielle Morrisey says society may be less accepting when a woman dates a younger man. But a lot depends on your own attitude. “If you are embarrassed or self-conscious about it, you are self-sabotaging. You are making it seem like a negative experience. If you are going to date a younger man you have to be prepared for some suspicion.”
When an independent woman dates a younger man, she is showing she has freedom, and that she enjoys her sexuality. Some people will find this reality shocking. TBH, you may have to develop a slightly thicker skin to deal with a few unkind comments.
Deborah Lee Furness says she sometimes feels irritated when people say she is “lucky” to be married to superstar Hugh Jackman. She says, “It is like I won a raffle!” For his part, Hugh says he feels annoyed when people bring up Deborah’s age because he feels “emotionally older” than her. He told People magazine, “I feel I am the adult in the relationship. I am always the one saying things like, ‘Babe, this is not a legal parking spot.’ And she says ‘Mr Goody Goody’.”
Every relationship is unique, but there are a few perks that often come when you romance a younger man.
Being with a younger man can bring a fresh enjoyment of sex. “It’s exciting to be with someone who is attractive, who also finds you attractive,” says Dr Morrisey.
“When you are older you also have more sexual confidence. You know more about what you want in bed. And it can be empowering teaching a younger man how to be a better lover.”
A younger man may also have less emotional baggage than an older man and encourage you to try new things in life. “He may expose you to new activities, different points of view, new hobbies and people.”
Meeting his family can be the time when the age gap between you becomes most noticeable. “You might find you have plenty in common when you are alone. But the relationship becomes harder when you are with each other’s family and friends.
“He might not like hanging out with your older friends. And you may find some of his friends immature. So you may have to be selective about which friends you meet, when you are together,” advises Dr Morrisey.
If you are divorced and have children, they need careful handling. Your kids may struggle to accept your new relationship. “If you feel this relationship is important, and you want them to know, it is better to tell them privately. Give them time to process the information,” says Dr Morrisey.
What if the age gap is significant or you have only ever been with your children’s father?
Be prepared for the possibility of negative reactions. You will need to give your children time to get used to the arrangement.
If you feel this relationship is more than casual, you need to have a conversation about the future. Before you make a long-term commitment you need to be very sure how you both feel about important life topics. Are you both on the same page?Does he want children? Do you want to have more children? Would you consider IVF or adoption? Other issues such as religion, money and where you both plan to live will also need to be discussed.
It can be scary asking these tough questions – because there is always the chance that he does not see things the same way as you. You may realise this relationship was a fun fling, but it cannot last much longer.
And that’s sad… but you need to ask the questions to save yourself from possible future heartbreak. You deserve to maximise your chances of happiness. Because you deserve to be happy, whatever your age!
This article was originally published in Singapore Women’s Weekly.