How to talk about sex with your partner

You used to enjoy having sex with your partner, but now, not so much. What changed? Has the sex gotten boring or unromantic over time? Do you feel that your guy isn’t fully present during those moments of intimacy? Or perhaps you’d like to take your time making love like you used to, rather than rush through sex. If you know exactly what the problem is, you’ll be able to communicate it to your man. So for instance, if he doesn’t pay attention to you in bed the way he used to, ask yourself how it makes you feel. Unloved? Undesirable? Invisible? Getting specific about how the problem affects you and your sexual pleasure in general, gives you a starting point for raising the matter to him and coming up with the right solution.

You shouldn’t bring up any problems when you and your guy are tired, stressed, in a foul mood or preoccupied with something else. Delicate topics like sex deserve your full attention, as well as his. If only one of you wants to talk about what’s wrong and the other doesn’t or can’t at that moment, then you may have trouble communicating and may even get your signals crossed and create a misunderstanding. The best time to talk is when you’re both relaxed, free of stress and in a good mood.

Starting the conversation with words like “You never…”, “Why can’t you…” and “Your problem is…” won’t get you anywhere. Nobody likes to be blamed, confronted, disrespected or talked down to. Instead, initiate the talk by taking a gentle and positive approach – don’t raise your voice or use aggressive or “blaming” language. Use phrases like “I’d love to talk to you about how to make our sex life better”, “Lately I’ve been thinking about ways we can have more fun in the bedroom” and “I enjoy making love with you but there are a couple of things I’ve noticed that I hope we can address together”. Your guy is less likely to get defensive if he knows he’s not being blamed or attacked.

Opening yourself up to you partner is one thing, but it’s also important to hear what he has to say. Maybe he’s been distracted during sex because he is going through a stressful time at work and has been finding it hard to focus, or perhaps he, too, agrees that your sex life has gotten stale but hasn’t yet figured out how to broach the subject with you or is afraid to tell you. Alternatively, what you consider a problem may not even be the case for him, or he might feel that you are the one who needs to change or improve. That’s why honest communication is key. Remember, It takes two people to create a happy and fulfilling sex life, so if one of you isn’t satisfied, both partners should take responsibility to work through any problems together respectfully and not take things too personal.

Don’t just complain about what you’re not happy about – ask your man for ideas about how to improve your sex life. You might think he’s not romantic enough or that the sex is over too soon; on the other hand, he may think he’s been doing a great job all along. If he recognises that what he’s doing isn’t working for you, then he may have some ideas to do things differently. If you have any solutions, use this opportunity to share them with him, in a kind and open-hearted manner, of course – so, for instance, by saying something like “When you go to sleep straight after sex, it makes me feel undesirable and uncared for. Could we spend some time cuddling after sex? That’ll help me feel much closer to you. What do you think?”

Even if you come up with a workable solution to your sex problem, you shouldn’t assume that you’ll never experience the same problem again. That’s why it’s important to keep checking in with each other and giving each other feedback as time goes on – because it’s easy to slip back into complacency and forget about the solutions you came up with together. By keeping tabs on your progress, you also get to figure out if your solutions have been effective or if you need to discuss the problem again and decide on a different way to make the situation better. Be patient, too – not all sex-related problems can be solved overnight. Some take serious changes to lifestyle or behaviour, and some may even require the help of an intimacy coach or relationship counsellor.

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