Overcoming the fear and conditioning to start initiating sex more often takes time, but you can become a master initiator, leaving behind old thought patterns that don’t serve you any longer. Here are two techniques to help you instigate sex and feel good about it.
1. The Redirect
Say you approach your partner for some sexy time, and they aren’t in the mood. You can:
- Take it personally, then pout or pressure them.
- Say “okay”, kiss them on the cheek and go masturbate and enjoy your own orgasm and go about your day, no harm, no foul.
- Ask for a raincheck.
- Check in to see if your partner wants some form of intimacy but not intercourse, then act from there.
What do you do? If you confidently answer anything but 1, you win! If you hesitantly answered 2-4 and chose it because it’s the logical answer compared to 1, which seemed childish and manipulative, but you’ve done that before and hope to not do it again but it’s hard in the moment to be mature sometimes… Stop! We’ve been there.
Deep breath, here’s something to consider: You are both unique sexual beings. You have your own wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes you have sex alone, sometimes you have sex together. You are only responsible for your own orgasm. Acknowledge and embrace that.
The thing is, no matter how horny our lover is, there will be times that we want sex, and they don’t…and that’s okay. If they have been the initiator, they have certainly been turned down or redirected before by you, so remember – this is a two-way street!
Learning to simply let go and masturbate, ask for a raincheck, and/or see if there’s something besides intercourse they’d like to do, takes practice if you’ve never approached their “no” that way. Over time, you’ll notice the feelings of rejection subside as you get those rainchecks fulfilled, you enjoy your own orgasms, or you enjoy a little mutual masturbation or kissing session rather than having penetrative intercourse. “No” can become a “not now” or a “what about -fill in the blank- instead”. Our minds like “yes and” or “no but” way better than “no,” but sometimes it’s all about our mind choosing to process it in a positive way (“yes and” or “no but” rather than “no”). Talk to your partner about how you can both redirect when you’re not in the mood.
2. Sometimes You Must “Pop The Clutch”
So, that may be an old reference! To anyone who’s driven a manual transmission car, though, you know that if your battery dies, if you can get the car in motion, down a slight hill for instance, you can pop the clutch and start the engine. Well, vulva owners’ sexual response cycles are sort of like that.
Studies show that the beginning two phases of the sexual response cycle are often flipped for vulva owners and penis owners. What this means is that vulva owners are more reactive and penis owners are more spontaneous in their arousal. Or, more plainly, vulva owners get turned on after sexual play begins, penis owners get turned on before it begins.
For this reason, I recommend that vulva owners try initiating even when they have the quick thought of “eh, I’m not turned on right now.” There are times where you may find after you make out, cuddle and smell them, or they touch you in that one spot, you’re ready for action! And consider how this helps balance the sexual equity in your relationship. If they have been approaching you more often, the reciprocity will be appreciated. That makes them feel desired! You have been the benefactor of their initiation. Watch over time how initiating can help connect you more deeply to your partner as they feel more seen by you as a sexual being and what it will do for your erotic connection.
I also recommend you allow the space for all types of physical intimacy. It is possible for couples to kiss for a few minutes then go about their days! Or to have a quick oral session or mutually masturbate and get back to work. Sex isn’t just about penetrative intercourse – these moments of intimacy matter for couples and should be an integral part of your sexual connection to keep your sexual batteries charged.
Kristen Thomas is a certified sex coach, clinical sexologist, and the owner of Open the Doors Coaching. She helps people nurture their love lives as a relationship, dating and sex coach. Follow Kristen via TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Need help with your sex life or relationship? Striking out on dating sites? Email her at Kristen@openthedoorscoaching.com.
References: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-015-0611-4
This article was first published in Smile Makers. Smile Makers is a sexual wellness brand on a mission to inspire vulva owners to set their own standards for good sex. As a brand, they bring sexual wellness products into mainstream spaces, remove limiting beliefs around vulva sexuality and foster a global, pleasure-positive and light-hearted conversation about sex.
