Each of us has a different libido – that’s our desire for sex. This sexual drive, as libido is also known, ebbs and flows throughout our lives and can be impacted by many things. It’s also a thing no matter whether we’re talking about solo or partnered sex. Our urge for sexual activity comes out in lots of ways; erotic thoughts, masturbation, kissing… Libido isn’t just about how much you want to have sex with somebody else.
Libido and our partners
Learning about our own libido, and how it can change regularly, can help us own our sexual script – the more we understand about ourselves, the more we can create our own expectations rather than those put upon us by society or others.
If we consider just how unique our sexual selves are, it then makes waaaay more sense that when two or more of us come together sexually, we might not literally come together. Furthermore, that our libidos will perfectly match and we’ll live in sex drive harmony. It’s just not possible to always be on the same level.
Sometimes the libido differences are more obvious, and can cause frustration between partners and those in relationships. Mismatched libidos are so common; for those coupled up, one in three have desire differences. But, there’s one really important thing sex therapists want us to know: your sexual desire is no indication for your love or attraction for your partner.
Sexual wellness brand Smile Makers asked sex therapist Kaycee Polite to break down the limited thinking around libido, and share tips and advice to improve a sexual relationship when you and your partner have different sex drives.
Questions to ask your partner
Every month, sit down and do a check-in by asking yourselves some questions so you can review and see where you are at when it comes to partner sex. Think about taking notes, because the answers might change from month to month.
- What can I start doing that would make you feel more loved and appreciated?
- Are there any mental health or medical issues that are impacting your ability to fully experience sex, pleasure and intimacy?
By asking each other these questions on a regular basis, you’re strengthening your communication and bond. Also, you are creating an open and honest dialogue about what you each need in the relationship.
Rethink sex together
Sex is not confined to penetration. There are so many different things that you can do to engage in sexual activity with your partner. For instance, sexting, mutual masturbation, sensual touch of erogenous zones, playing with sex toys, reading or listening to erotica… Broaden your horizons together.