Dear Therapist: How do I handle a bad boss?

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

My supervisor is always barking orders and not working. She will watch social media videos on Tik Toks, Instagram, etc. During peak periods, she would plan her getaway holidays and leave us juniors to cover the work.

When she had bad situations with other ex staff, I always stuck by her and quietly lent her support. But when there is a new staff onboard, she will create a toxic environment by yelling at me and completely forget my support for her in those bad times. Ex staff members have given their feedback during their exit interviews, but nothing changed. That is because she is a 'protected' species (her friend is working in a higher management post).

I was on the job for nearly 18 months,  I felt I was languishing and not flourishing at all.  Anyway, I am serving my notice now, can't wait to leave after next week. I just need a validation for my feelings.

From, Languishing and not flourishing

Dear Languishing and not flourishing,

Your feelings are 100% valid.

When we have a boss who is disrespectful, cruel and takes advantage or our helping nature, it’s absolutely normal to feel upset, confused and unable to get inspired and thrive at work.

While it’s great you’ve been able to recognise the dysfunction and set a boundary by serving your notice, let’s explore some ways you could proactively respond if you ever found yourself in a similar situation.

Speak up sooner

When you realise that someone is taking advantage of you or your peers, see what it’s like to speak up sooner, rather wait for the experience to become a chronic pattern. This can be tricky when it comes to communicating with our boss. Try setting a meeting to discuss not only your concerns, but also offer some solutions.

In this instance, some suggested solutions could be a) Asking her to arrange her holidays at non-peak periods b) Suggesting extra staff support in her absence. If her responses are disrespectful or rude, let her know that the way she is communicating is unacceptable. Unfortunately, when we are met with people who do not respond to our healthy expression, we tend to stop speaking up and getting steam rolled.

It's important to keep voicing your concerns. I would also suggest in these instances to document them and prepare to escalate the issue to upper management with tangible history of each incident. While you may not be able to change her behaviour, you can ensure that you stay in touch with your voice. Never let anyone keep you quiet.

Better boundaries

Sometimes our tendency to want to help has us overriding our own boundaries. When we give too much and deplete ourselves, we often end up feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful… especially when the people we are giving too are not reciprocating. It’s tricky in the context of a dynamic with your supervisor, because of course you want to prove yourself to be a helpful employee.

Finding the boundary between going ‘above and beyond’, and self-abandonment takes some inquiry, but when you find it, you’ll be able to offer value, yet maintain a sense of well-being and ensure you don’t end up feeling resentful later.

Don’t become a flying monkey

When someone enlists us to be ‘on their side’, speak on their behalf and protect their image, we may be at risk of becoming their ‘flying monkey’. This means that we protect them from other people’s dissatisfaction and enable them to continue treating people in ways that are disrespectful. Again, this is very difficult in the context of a work dynamic because we are often expected to side with the boss. Healing and growth ask us to learn healthy boundaries and speak up so we hold others accountable for their actions rather than getting tangled up in the toxic matrix. Learning to do this in ways that are both peaceful and powerful is what sets us all free from cycles of oppression and harm.

Sending you a wave of power as you leave what was not serving you and walk towards all that empowers you to be your best self.

Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.