“I met Jack* online on OKCupid, maybe four or more years ago, I can’t remember anymore. I think it was his profile picture or whatever he said to me that attracted me to him – he started chatting to me first.
At the time we started off as friends, as he was in the process of breaking up with his ex-girlfriend, and subsequently he met another girl who is now his wife. I can’t say when exactly they became boyfriend and girlfriend; he told me “it just happened,” and we stayed friends, though I soon developed feelings for him.
At the beginning it was more one-sided as I was chasing him, but at some point he developed feelings for me and texted me saying how he liked us both but could only have one. He tried to push me away by not replying my texts as often, and I knew he was trying to let me down gently but I told him ‘By doing this, it’s like you don’t even want to be my friend anymore.’
I think that was three or four years ago, and he continued to see us both, and he made our relationship a little more official last year when he used the word ‘partner(s)’ when texting his friends, meaning his wife and I.
He did tell me he was getting married, and we always knew it would happen as he wanted to get away from his mother, as he was tired of fixing her problems (his parents are divorced). Even when they weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend he would stay at his wife’s place while seeing me.
Their ROM was maybe a year or two ago, and they just moved into a BTO, and through that he’s never tried to break off our relationship.
He’s never mentioned feeling guilty about it and I don’t ask; I don’t really care about the wife. I knew him first and he told me she hated me back when I was just a friend, so I’m just returning the sentiment. I find it hard to empathise with her.
Marriage don’t mean a thing
His wife doesn’t know anything – he tells me everything. Photo: 123rf.com
Nothing between us has changed even though he’s married and I’m happy with him like this. I have thought about whether I should meet others but sometimes I feel it’s easier to stay like this than look for someone, and nobody new has come into my life, nor have I looked. I stopped using dating apps.
I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I have had crushes before but this… this is love, my first love. It’s hard to explain why I love him – it could be his charisma and personality, but a friend told me if you can explain why you you love someone, it’s not love. I know for sure it’s not just infatuation.
When we hang out we do things couples do, such as go to the movies, walk around the shops, and go to hotels, but we have a set of rules that includes no PDA – we can only do that in private.
He’s not worried about his friends seeing us since they know about our relationship and some have met me, though he has thought about what would happen if his wife’s friends saw us – it didn’t bother him too much. His sister is also aware.
I told him I wanted to lose my virginity to him as I trust him, and I believe sex has to be with someone you trust – no one-night stands. A lot of the men on dating apps were only interested in that and I don’t do that.
The night I popped my cherry he had just come out from remedial training, so I invited him over and cooked dinner for him. My parents were away and my brother was in his room with his girlfriend – he never came out, so he never met Jack.
When we did it, he made me feel very safe – he is a source of happiness for me, even though he’s also a source for frustration. I have asked about the future and he always asks why I ask hard questions that he doesn’t have the answer for.
I also asked about why he didn’t pick me as his girlfriend and wife, and he said she’s more ‘wife material,’ but what does that really mean? Everyone has a different definition.
I’ve never asked why he continued to see me after his marriage, as I’m content. We meet up once or twice a month depending on his work schedule – he’s in sales so sometimes when he doesn’t have a job we can meet more often – but we talk almost every day. He vents to me about work, stress – any problems he has. He’s never promised me anything and I don’t ask for promises.
I’m happy where I am
It doesn’t matter if I’m hidden, I’m used to being the other woman. Photo: 123.rf
I don’t think he’s using me as an outlet to fulfill whatever his wife is lacking, as from the start he’s always been more honest with me than her. I know he’s not seeing anyone else, and that the wife doesn’t know half of what he’s thinking or doing.
A handful of friends know about this – definitely not my family. Some friends wish that I could meet a better man and say I deserve better, while some say as long as I am happy it’s OK.
I suppose I’ve thought about what life would be like with a normal boyfriend I can publicly date, but I’m happy with him. He does celebrate my birthday and Christmas, as well as dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I don’t feel sad about being hidden – I guess it’s been like this for so long I’ve gotten used to it. There are moments when I think I’m worth more than this but I love him too much to let him go.”
*Names have been changed