Here’s how it always goes: you see a dress in stores, it looks (insert adjective here – kitschy, interesting, slinky…you get the gist), you try it on and it utterly disappoints. It doesn’t fit well, the colour doesn’t seem to complement your skin tone, it’s too hard to move in…there are ten thousand ways in which apparel can fail you.  

Repeat this process countless times over years of shopping, and you end up with a deflated ego, overworked legs and no motivation to shop. Why shop if you’re only going to be disappointed? If there’s anything good that came out of this process, it’s that years of experience has finally taught me what works on me – this way, I can limit the disappointment incurred on such shopping trips.

So here is my list of 5 fashion items that should cease to exist, simply because they do absolutely nothing for a woman.

1. Harem Pants

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. These roomy pants are unflattering on virtually everyone – it lengthens your mid section, makes your thighs look bulbous, and draws attention to your crotch all at once. I say: anything drop-crotch or baggy crotch is a bad idea. How grotesque can one get?

And forget the “it’s more comfortable” argument – sure, the roomy pants make for more freedom in movement but the same could be said of gorgeously billowy slacks! Why should the bagginess be contained within the nether regions? Comfort can be found in other styles of clothing – and one that doesn’t stab the eyeballs of innocent passer-bys.   

I’m sorry, but looking like Ali Baba isn’t exactly my kind of look, so harem pants have no place in my closet.  

2. Clogs
Have there been uglier forms of footwear? I think not, seeing as how clogs take the cake with its obtusely rounded head that resemble oversized donkey’s hooves. The wooden platform doesn’t help, either, with it’s clippity clop which makes it as irritating for the eyes as it is for the ears.  

I don’t give two hoots even if Karl Lagerfeld defended them in his Spring/Summer 2010 collection – even the models looked uncomfortable in them, walking in these hoof-like devices. It was painful to look at, and it’s a trend I’d gladly toss into a pile of manure.

3. Leather leggings

This looks amazing on some (skinny) people, but on me, it just does not work. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it – time after time, I pulled countless pairs of stretchy PVC over my derriere in the hopes of one day looking like American socialite Olivia Palermo. But let’s face it – leather leggings make my thighs look like breakfast ham in cling wrap.

At the very least, I have the sensibility to keep my wobbly bits to myself. But every time I see a model / blogger / hot lady prancing around in leather pants, my heart cries out in longing.

The way fire and water can never co-exist, I guess some things are just not meant to be. Sob.


4. Shoulder pads

Don’t even get me started on exaggerated shoulder pads. I’m glad the ‘80s are behind us, where crimped hair and shoulder padded suits dominated workplaces and the streets alike.

Women stormed around looking like quarterbacks with handbags, and celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Lady Gaga have in recent years, tried to bring it back. Why would anyone want to have pieces of sponge larger than the size of one’s fist on each shoulder blade?

Consider me baffled.  

5. Lamé miniskirts

There has always been something “special” about lamé. The cheap and stretchy fabric, its metallic gleam and its ability to reduce just about anyone to look like a street-walker. Can someone say, “tacky central”? Gag.

God forbid lamé miniskirts come back into fashion – that thing is a veritable fire hazard. It looks like it’s about to burst into flames if you so much as hover near an open flame.

So there you have it, these are some of my pet peeves when it comes to fashion items. Do you share the same fiery hatred? Let me know what are some of your fashion no-nos and who knows… we could organise a ceremonial burning for all things ugly.