The only good thing to arise from the Internet’s implosion over Nicki Minaj’s (very NSFW) “Anaconda” video? It’s renewed my appreciation of an oft-neglected womanly asset.
In any case, the latest raunch-fest from hip-hop’s reigning provocateur is well worth a watch, if only for the delectable derrieres on display. Feedback from a fellow beauty buddy? “Man, this is making me want to do some squats.”
Because ain’t nobody got time for the gym, here’s how to buy your butt. First, a crucial caveat cum disclaimer: This doesn’t sub for a proper sit-down with a qualified doctor, and whatever you do with your body is well, entirely your business.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, it’s time for the fun stuff – needles and bloodshed!
For starters, Dr Karen Soh, medical director of Prive Clinic, says you should always check and double-check that your aesthetician of choice uses HSA-approved macrolane filler: “This contains hyaluronic acid which is safe and naturally found in the body. Once injected, it is slowly digested in the body and broken down into bio-compatible products. The quantity, which usually ranges from 200 to 400 ml, is dependent on how big the patient wants the butt to be.”
I know what you’re thinking because I’m thinking the same thing: Does a “fake” butt look like a real one forged from flesh? Dr Soh says leg lunges can tone your tush, but a filled fanny “shows volume not achievable by exercise.”
Now, crane your neck and look in a full-length mirror. The good doc says there’s a world of difference between the pleasing perkiness we’re gunning for with fillers, versus the unwelcome wobbliness one associates with a big butt: “It’s important to differentiate between a firm butt and one that has a lot of volume but looks saggy. As a general rule of thumb, if you have more volume at the lower half of your butt cheeks, it will look saggy, whereas evenly distributed volume at the upper half gives a desirable, lifted effect.”
Which is where fillers come to the fore. An experienced (and artistically inclined!) doc should be able to chisel away at your cheeks like Michelangelo molding David.
Raring to go? Sadly, us humans aren’t stripped of sensation like the slab of granite David was sculpted from. Sans anaesthesia, the two-hour procedure will be a literal pain in the butt, so mild sedation is usually administered. You can also expect some swelling and bruises at the injection site for a few weeks.
Other bits and bobs to note in the fine print? You’ll have to be over 21, and the results will typically last a year or so.
Oh, and cost? A cool $16K – but what price a posterior like Nicki Minaj’s, really?